What do you want me to say, I'm not okay.

What do you want me to say.

When I happen to glance at the moon I can no longer look that away without thinking of you. 

When I see the night sky I can think of nothing but your eyes.

Okay you got it, my feelings written on an invisible piece of paper in my mind that will live forever but with no happy ever after.

You were the one I wanted by me as I played my music whole heartedly. 

This is no happy lovesick story, to anothers eye and ear its rather boring.

So what do you want me to say - That when I smell that pepper scented spray I cant help but push myself away from my humanity. 

When I see you smile with that little dimple, everything in my mind just seems so simple. 

That I want you, that I want to want you. 

That I want you to want me, but its okay don't worry I can see. 

I can see, the no longer smiling on your face when we embrace. 

The no more looking into my eyes with longer and deeper sighs. 

The constant tone ringing that my voice makes in your mind that just makes you want to rewind it all back to september and make you remember what made you see something at the start, before we got attached at the..

Heart.

Life is so weird.

Life is so bloody weird, that thought that everybody lives a life. 

In my families life I play a big role, as do we all within our families. 

In my friends life I play a smaller role but never the less its still a role. 

In that girl who works in Starbucks who served me a caramel latte yesterday. I play the tinniest role, but I was still a part of her day, no matter how insignificant I was.

But yet she goes home and has her own problems and her own roles. When she was making my latte, what was she thinking - about how to make the latte or about how busy it was that day or even what her plans for the evening were. 

We coexist in each others life and it completely baffles me, this was never really bought to my attention until Sophie once mentioned it. Since then I hadn't thought of it too much, until I started travelling back and fourth to London a lot. I was see so many different people on trains, that I started to realise I wanted to make a difference to peoples days. 

(I haven't told anyone this yet, but here it goes.) 

I did that thing, where you tell someone you don't know that there beautiful, or that the fragrance there wearing smells great. Something, just to make them feel special. Hell I have definitely got some funny looks from it, but the response is great. I'm not doing it for a reply, I don't want a compliment back its not about that. For me it was about making someones day different. 

The reason I started doing this, I was in London about two weeks back meeting someone in central to go watch a show, when a boy approached me and told me he'd been reading a book and that it changed his perspective on life anyway what it made him realise is that he wanted to just take risks. Unfortunately for the guy he picked the wrong girl, being gay I told him would mean although I am flattered by his gesture to want to wine and dine me, I would have to decline, hell it would of been great to get to know this guy and we did chat for approximately twenty minutes before he briefly hugged me and scuttled off. 

It made me realise though that he had faith to take a leap after he spotted me on the street, to then ask me on a date. I love that concept of just going for it and swore I would do the same. 

For me it isn't about dating but just taking that leap, I guess in some ways I am quite reserved so for me this has been so beneficial, it makes my train journeys a lot more pleasing when I have a girl or guy sitting opposite to me, I'll just start with a smile and if they respond and smile back, I'll go on to say something about them that I notice straight away be it.. a beautiful set of blue eyes, or the way they smile. 

So if there is anyone reading this that likes the idea, then do it.. I cant begin to explain how pleasing it is to here that smile in someones voice when they realise a stranger thinks beautiful. 

Hell you might even meet someone from it. 

A Love Letter.

I probably would of wanted you to open the letter today.

Dearest Chicken, 

So I write this letter a month before you get to open and read it, so what do I write considering its a month away. 

I think I’ll start with I’ve probably watched the new season of Orange is the new black at least twice already. Depending on when you get this my gig in London will be coming up very soon and I’ll most likely be freaking out. A possibility is that you could come back from thailand and I could be a star aha i’m clearly kidding. 

I’m probably missing you quite a hell of a lot (as if I’m trying to kid myself with the probably) I am most definitely missing you.

I hope the trip has been a blast so far, which I do not doubt for a second. You’ve got through a month and you’ve more than likely done so much. You still have another month left, before you come back to the UK. 

Hope you like the necklace, I have two thoughts about it (that I will probably have said to you already but still..) If you turn the moon on its side, its kind of like a smile, smiles are the same in every language so keep lifting up that gorgeous smile like you always do, show off them cute dimples, because a smile suits you aha. The other is that no matter where you are in the world, we look at the same moon. 

Talking of missing you, I hope you miss me to otherwise yep I’ll probably be bitter :) Believe it or not, I actually probably will miss your witty remarks or sarcastic comments, and even your long talks about aliens and the theory of life! I will most definitely be missing a sophie rant about something or other. 

I hope the no eating crisps and crap is going well, you’ll be feeling fresh if you are. Hope the food out there is good also, plenty of fresh fish and veg, mm!! 

It’s your birthday soon.. well kinda!! are you excited yet.

Letters are hard to write in advance, I don’t know how Gerry did it for Holly (I wonder if you get that, because I probably wouldn’t!!)  I’ll just steal something he writes aha!! 

Give me a message when you've finished reading this, if you can, so I know when charlie gave this to you!! 

I don’t want to write too much, because I know you get bored of reading for a long period of time, so I don’t wanna bore you. Talking of boring bet your missing my story telling haha.

I wonder what you’re doing today other than you know getting kissed by the asian sun. My day probably consists of working if i got a job, to be honest the likeliness of that is slim. Sitting in the ever so beaming english sunshine :| or some sort of music be that writing, busking or rehearsing. 

I feel on this trip you're having an insane time and I hope you and the girls are having loads of fun, with laughter. Memories to share with your children and friends through the years.

Awh I miss your meow sound.

Also btw my back hasn’t been properly cracked for a month!! 

If you haven’t gone for a massage already (which is highly unlikely) and you’re not doing anything today, then go and get one, try and get as many as you can, because if you come back and I offer to rub your shoulders for a bit and there tense as hell, its going to take me ages to sort them out!!

Anyway I just wanted you to write you this letter, to let you know that I miss you and canny wait for you to get back and give me a present haha only kidding chicken. 

I also wanted to write you this letter because you mean a hell of a lot to me. How could I not write you a letter, when we don’t get to see each other for two months.

You are loyal, trustworthy and caring, your smile lights up a room and you carry yourself in such a way. I think you are amazing, how I feel for you is quite simple, theres no confusion. You drive me insane but a good insane, and you make me smile and laugh so much. I love being around you. 

When you get back another month and you’ve then known me a full year!! The new first years will be starting, you’ll be doing some proper work, and I’ll be doing my final work. Don’t worry I’ll keep slipping your name in there with my year from now and over the summer, with the dissertation pieces. 

A part of me was quite nervous and scared about writing this letter for you, I don't know why, I just got scared about what you thought about me doing this for you. 

I sat here writing all of that and then I felt the need to write something more about you and not about the trip. 

I still remember the very first night you stayed at mine an I lay there still and completely fixed to my side of the bed, because I was so damn nervous being around you!! I still vividly remember you in that velvet dress you always used to wear, it feels like only yesterday I was coming round and fixing your tv!! 

I really enjoyed going to see Charlie and the chocolate factory with you, you are someone that truly makes my 100happydays.. Most people just ask me or I take a picture of them. But you are someone that when I spend time with you I always laugh or smile!! 

Yet here we are half way across the world and you're still on my mind. I write this in advance obviously because I dot doubt for a second that you'll constantly be on my mind. 

----------- you truly are something special, I love so much about you, you have this way with me that I can explain. Each and every time I look at you, I always think you look so beautiful, you say I say that too much, but it's because it is how I felt. But take the things on the outside of you that I love away and you’re still lovely like, the way you have so many different types of smiles and the way your dimples, cheekily imprint on your cheeks, or the way you smell in the mornings that made cuddles the ever more pleasing. You have a brain, and a good one at that, sometimes you have me really questioning my beliefs due to what you say, and that's quite powerful!! You have such a way with words which is great considering your an acting student. You're such an intelligent girl, regardless of how your theory work is. 

My life really has changed since meeting you, I mean fuck if it wasn't for you pushing me I would never of got that bloody toe sorted ;) I also wouldn't of pushed myself as much musically, because I don't know if you ever knew but, before you got here yes I played guitar a tad and sung but only really started to really sing and play more when you used to record me and love it. You're the reason I started singing more. I'm a lucky person to have you in my life. 

You have a place in my heart. I'll still be waiting here when you get back. 

P.s I love you.

Where is you writing?

It's a weird concept to me. 

Somebody like myself - I am dyslexic, like a lot of people nowadays but I'll never let it hold me back or use it as an excuse to not hand work in either at all or a belated deadline. For me it is weird though, I hate writing essay they are the ban of my life, but writing, damn I love it. 

The by far weirdest thing for me though, is being asked by someone you don't really know why you haven't been writing much recently, I simply had nothing to say than wow you read my blog. 

I won't lie sometimes I feel a bit like Barney asking my friends to read it to tell me what they think but I never thought one would take me up on that and actually regularly read. 

So here is my answer - 

Why haven't you written as much at the moment? 

The reason why is because of LOVE.. I wrote a piece not too long ago asking what everyone though about love. This time of my life I was coming out of a relationship to girl who held a big part of my life and an even bigger part of my heart. 

Now, I am single, and although she does still hold a bit of my heart its a substantial amount smaller, I would say she's also a big part of my life but she's been away for a little while and we've not really spoken. 

So I haven't written recently because I've been getting over a heartbreak. Some say writing is the best therapy, but for me I didn't want to do that because although I agree I didn't think it was fair too write about a breakup with this girl, because she is still special to me. She's an ex, and I know how I feel about ex's (which I don't think anyone will truly understand) but I'll always have her back, even if I did so secretly hate her for a little bit.