I'm paying too.

I am a university student and have been for over a year now. I enjoy uni, I like the life I am living, not completely but I wouldn't change it as its the right road for what I want to do.
I've studied drama, acting and singing for as long as I can remember. I have always had the biggest passion for it and loved it. So obviously I come to uni to further my knowledge for the arts see what I can learn from my lectures and directors. Take down notes, that will help me overcome my boundaries and weaknesses.

That's fair enough right, so when a teacher isn't in what should the do?
Get us cover right, find a teacher that isn't doing anything and get them to cover our class, so we actually learn. Okay okay were not at school we can do individual work, I don't mind doing that, going off for a couple of hours doing some research. Taking in something you didn't originally know.

Well, my university doesn't do that know instead I, myself gets asked to cover the lesson with another peer in my group.
What!?
So I'm paying £6,000 a year to teach my peers. no. I don't bloody think so, I am hear to learn just as much as them, I don't care if I can sing and have had training, because I did that in my spare time. I'm just as much annoyed about having no teacher as them, what am I going to get out of teaching my class. Okay i'm honoured you chose me, thats nice, you trust me clearly.. but theres no way in hell i'd like it if someone younger than me was telling how to do what.

Stopppppp.

How do you stop yourself from making the wrong actions, why do I keep looking back on the last few days and regretting all of my choices.

I feel I don't give my girlfriend enough justice, I talk about how I feel for her and etc but I never explain what she's like and how she's this fucking amazing.

It's no lie I can be such an annoying lil prick sometimes, I even annoy myself at times, so when you're close to someone you annoy them most, and sometimes I can see on her face that, that day isn't the day for me to be annoying. I see that and yet I do it anyway, and she still loves me for it no more no less.

Sometimes I can just be a downright miserable little bitch, and she has to put up with it, which isn't fair.. why is it her fault that I'm being a grump. I snap like a mother fucker and just say things that I don't even think about if they might hurt her feelings. I'm just being stubborn and pissed off. When I think about it now, I'm like no thats not being pissed off or stubborn that being plain rude and stupid. I wanna go back and say don't be an arse or you'll lose one of the best things that has ever happened to you.

Never did I think this girl laid in bed next to me right now would be here by my side, making sure that my drunken ass self doesn't get in trouble or is drinking water after being sick. She's here with everything she has, pushing over that half way mark to grab me.

I have this tendency for when things start to get a bit more serious to push, for some reason my self conscious mind doesn't like me to be happy so I push people away, my heart is literally screaming at me for doing it, as I don't think I could go through not being next to her. But there this thing in my body that just tells me over and over 'she'd be happier without you, you should let her go.'

It's fucking hard to sometimes feel that, that I shout at her and tell her to leave. My whole body wanting her to stay and cuddle me and tell me everything will be okay.
I don't wanna be mean to her, and I don't wanna hurt her, but this thing in my body is really starting to take control of all my actions in life, and its sabotaging everything for me, pushing away friends and family. Even her.

Will I ever see this?

This morning, I have thought about life and then death.

How we have a set time, that we don't know. Our future is undecided. 

I could die tomorrow and if that were to happen, things that I've wanted to do so much, I wouldn't of done. 

I wouldn't have got to see, travel the world, go diving in the Caribbean sea, finished uni, see my sister/brother get married, or even me get married. 

I wouldn't get to spend time with nieces and nephews (who will eventually come.) 

I wouldn't get to see my friends children grow up to go to school. 

Then there a substantial things like I'd never see full acceptance of the LGBTQIA Community. 

But then even being alive in my lifetime, will we ever get full acceptance. I am not someone that sits here and says we don't get equal rights bladda blah. But its true, yeah we've come a long way from what it used to be like. Hell we've done well, we have fought for our rights and we finally got some of what we feel is right.

But still in this day and age, racism is high. I am firm believer in not fully judging a person until i've spoken to them. Well who doesn't say that, but always judges without meaning too. 

Am I addicted to her?

Its like this whirlwind blowing and pushing me higher and harder, like i'm spiralling out of control. that indescribable feeling that nothing could take you down. You're not just on top of the world but instead on top of the universe. Shouting from the rooftops, whispering from the gutters. 

When i'm around her its like I'm on some sort of E. This constant buzz, i just wanna touch her, feel the electricity that I can sense. 

Tonight when she came in we didn't kiss for ages, but when we did kiss, it was really intense and I felt that butterfly flutter all the way up my centre and coming out of the top of my head, like i was bursting with a greater passion I'd ever had. I always get butterflies or goosebumps when she's around, her gentle touch, the faces she does, her she just sends me high. 

I've come to this conclusion of am I obsessed with this feeling, like it makes me feel so good, its like exercising. When you start to exercise again, after not doing for ages, you get this goal this buzz, to better each time. Just keep going keep going and every time you go to the gym you feel pumped and ready to fuck shit up. 

Well thats exactly how i feel when she's around, it feels like I'm running and each time i see her i get further and further from where i originally started.There are always bumps or diverted routes so sometimes getting to that place is harder but i get there. 

I guess you could call it the climax. Finishing. I actually don't mean this in a rude way, but sometimes climx can mean anything, finishing a book you've been reading for days. Or finally finish an essay you've been writing all night 9this my life at the moment!! with which I should be doing an essay now.) Climax with her yes can be sex, like I seem to hungry for all the time, like some sort of savage beast thats never had meat. Thats not a nice image but thats kind of what I feel like at the moment. :/. Sometimes though climax with her, can be cuddling or giving her a massage so that i send her off on a good sleep. Lame some might say, but just the way she snuggles and buries her head into your neck is just the best. 

I guess I am kind of obsessed with just being around her.

So much as just smelling her or having her hand my leg, can send me places I have never been. That aftershave she wears, that is sort of peppery but just makes me want to grab her and slam her against a wall. 

:) 

fuck. shit. love. yes. 

Be warmer, give me eyes.

Writing on here isn't for the views, in all honesty no body could visit it and that wouldn't bother me. I'm not here to interest people with my life or enlighten them about myself. You could hate every ounce of shit I write, but I'll always still keep writing.

I come on here to vent, that can be either good or bad. Majority of the time its bad, but recently its been better.

The reason for my sudden more positive writing it because I met someone. wait, not just some ole anybody, I met this beautiful girl. Which if you are a reader of my blog, then hell you'll probably know a hell of a lot about her already.

I simply don't have the time to explain what makes her so amazing, well I do but i better not make you all envious. I sound like such a sop which is a feeling I've not really been used to. Being the sop was never my thing, being that one that doesn't really give a toss about whether you come or go was more my style.

There were a few girls that yeah I regret getting with, I would take back all of them but this one. Okay I wouldn't, they made me grow and each person taught me a new thing every time, I don't mean in the bedroom, I mean in life, everyone has a different story. I got to know lots of stories, i found out about lives that I could only imagine or not imagine in my head.

Girls that I thought would never even look at me, would look. Now that feeling is amazing, having a hot girl approach you in a bar. But above that is having the hottest girl I've been with be with me, and want to spend time with me that isn't just based around drinking and (sorry about this) fucking.

This girl, likes me. Loves me, for me, and thats pretty damn cool. The best thing is she's not a fuck up, she's really smart, okay she doesn't think this so. Which is frustrating because she can't see this spark I see that will push her far, a lot further than I think i'll ever go, but yeah. She's a nice funny decent girl, who doesn't play with my head. Yeah she annoys me at times as I do her, thats normal.

So i've been really down this past week and a bit, and instead of sitting there and just asking me whats wrong, she just acts normal, treats me how she would any other day, which at first I was like "wahh give me something, anything" but after a while I'm glad she hadn't been all whats wrong, talk to me.. that clingy annoying thing girls do sometimes. She let me get on with it and dig myself out of it. We all know the only person who can help themselves, is themselves. I don't know if she did consciously or not, but I wanna thank for it.

So all in all.

My girlfriend is whey much better than of yours.
Even if she points the obvious sometimes. slag.

what?What?WHAT?

What do you do when all you can think about is how far you are going to sink?

What do you say when you feel yourself coming to the final brink?

Do you not say it allowed for fear that someone might hear and tell the wold of your miserable tale.

How do I become?

What do you do when you think the person you love isn't sexually attracted to you, that there is no urge to want to kiss you all the time.
Maybe it's just me and I'm over thinking things, but how do you tell your girlfriend whom you adore that you don't think that they find you hot cute attractive anything. Am I just an average joe that wouldn't matter.

What girl doesn't like a compliment from time to time or something nice to be said, I do believe in being honest, for example I won't tell someone they look nice or pretty or whatever if I didn't think it. So maybe that's how she feels, like it doesn't take a genius to figure out I'm not the good looking one in the realtionship or even the funny one. I've shot way out of my league.. Maybe that's my fault
I like her. All I can think whenever I'm with her is, is she jut comfortable now, not in the sense of wearing whatever and talking about whatever I like that comfortable kind of thing, but I mean.. Has she settled for me. Like does she want to have sex with me.

She was intrigued by me because she thought I was cool and funny. To then later realise I'm a boring stress head!! Who gets nervous even now when she's around. I don't wanna fuck up, and it feels like I am.. I can feel myself pushing away even though I wanna pull her closer.

I like attention who doesn't, someone to tell me I look nice or I smell nice, something to remind me that I am worth spending time with.

Sometimes my insecruties override all my other feelings and it just makes me feel down.

I don't feel attractive, it's not my girlfriends fault, so I shouldn't write things where it sounds like I'm blaming her. I need to overcome them soon or I'll just pity myself.

All in all, my girlfriend is amazing and I do really love her to bits!! 

It's a bright start..

I wanted to come into this new year, with my head screwed on, knowing what I need to do, and instead of being lazy and procrastinating too much actually do it. I guess you could say i have kind of done that. Today instead of just realising i have too much work to do, I actually did it, i sat down for a long period of time, and wrote out a few things, watched a few things and spoke about a few things. Hell it was tedious, but having got about a quarter of my stuff learnt i'm happy.

I somehow have to manage learning a monologue said by another person for 5-10 minutes in an american accent, I don't know if anyone has ever heard my accent work but there is only one word I can subscribe for it. TERRIBLE!!

I promised to myself that this year what I wanted to do was be truthful not just with the people around me but also myself. I'm not an liar, I don't make up stories (how can you make up boring stories) so exactly what sparked this on well..
My girlfriend happened to say something really quite interesting the other day whilst we were talking about university feedback from out tutors. She said she slates herself in a way that out tutor thought she was self conscious with which she simply replied "no, I just believe you can improve on everything that you do." So with that in my brain, i wanted to tell myself that everything i do can be improved. Either loads or a little bit.

My Work Schedule -

Voice :
2 - Finish writing out and marking Brid's mums speech
4 - Learn it
6 - Write Logs

Movement :
3 - Decide on a play to get a monologue from
5 - Learn both monologues
8 - Write a character profile for the scripted one

Screen Acting :
1 - Learn duologue
7 - Screen Acting Logs

Medea :
(ONGOING) - Just polish on my lines
9 - Final Log