Tiffany Robinsons Cover of Royals by Lorde.

Such a sop.

When I talk about my girlfriend I have to refrain from saying how I really feel for her, for fear that I may be called soft or look like a massive loved up sop. Today I am going to write, it will most likely be feel of similes and metaphors as I love writing with them, but yeah, it will show you all how I see and feel about my girlfriend. 

Hearing laugh is out of this world, and seeing her laugh is even better, her eyes completely light up and she just oozes this sense of ease and comfortableness. When she laughs I can never work out whether I am finding it sexy or cute but it just makes me smile. Especially when she finds something really funny, she has this different laugh that you don't hear unless its down right hilarious!! When she bites her lip it sends a ball of fire through my body, because her teeth coming on showing is amazing, they remind me of the glow in the dark stars you used to stick to your ceiling. When she just smiles that too is also amazing, it makes her dimples jump on to her face and show everyone that she's happy. It makes her look so much taller when she has a smile on her face, and it makes me fall completely in love with her. Her hair perfectly crafts her face no matter the colour it always suits her and whether its up or down, it will always look so nice.  Her voice just soothes my soul and wraps round every bone in my body stopping me from shaking uncontrollably. Even when she cries she has such elegance and its beautiful to watch, to understand her and know her is getting better each day and night. I have never met someone so caring for others she doesn't even talk to, constantly defending the weaker, never letting anyone to be bullied or shamed. She is constantly looking out for people, it doesn't bother her, it isn't a chore. She is just naturally a leader who won't be led astray by anyone. She has such strength and I don't mean just physically. She has got so much love in her. That I am so happy and glad to be receiving, from such a magnificent creature. 

I'm gonna stop before I get too carried away aha. 

Broadened by her.

They say you learn something new about yourself with every partner you're with. 

I guess with each partner you're with you find that you become stronger and stronger, you get over the heart breaks and over the disagreements you have. You know you no longer care in a relationship when you feel numb to everything they do. 

You can care about what someone does, but trust them enough not to do it. I am also a firm believer in trust is earnt so you can start a relationship with a new slate, and the trust gets bigger with the more you feel comfortable and the more they show you how comfortable there getting. Sometimes things happen and you think damn I don't trust them but then you realise you do. 

I learnt a lot from a few of my most previous relationships. A lot about myself but also a lot about different people circumstances I saw more when I was in relationships. 

I can sit here and say though, that my current relationship has made me realise things about myself, that I didn't think to be true, or i disregarded and ignored. I've really opened up to myself and slowly I'm opening up to her. 

She has made me really open my eyes and realise what is in front of me. I am so lucky with how I live in a world like today. I'm reasonably healthy, but in all I'm more healthy than not. I am 19 and already in my second year of university, I live in one of the most popular cities in the world. I have the biggest support system behind me, starting with my family!! I have friends, although sometimes I feel alone she has made me realise just how many I have got. Most of all though through her showing me how much I have got from other people it made me realise that her, she was a massive part of my life now. She has fully got my back, that sounds weird, saying yeah my gf has my back. Well of course she would thats kind of what she's there for. My gf really out does her self sometimes, and I can never full believe such a genuinely lovely girl like her can be with such a relationship klutz like me. 

I am lucky, so luck to have her. She's shown me so much in the way I feel about things, she has definitely also changed my opinion on certain things and I know look at life as a larger picture. 

I hope that I have done the same for her and have shown her things. 

I just wanna say thank you to my girlfriend for being truly fucking amazing. 

I love you.

me.

Why pick me when you can have anyone you want. 

Are you scared to lose me?

Does it scare you to think about losing her? 

Does it hurt to think of her with someone else? 

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to see her kissing another girl or guy? 

Does the thought of her calling another girl or guy baby destroy you? 

The thought of her cuddling and spooning someone else hurt your gut? 

Knowing she's having sex with someone else literally make you want to die?

That someone is getting her attention and your not? 

Do you ever just think about things like this, you see that person you are fully wrapped up in with someone else. They could be doing nothing but smiling, talking, laughing but knowing that it isn't you she does that with anymore, man its a horrid thought. Sometimes I sit and wonder if she ever has feelings like this about me, like does she sometimes think about maybe what the future holds for us, will she ever see me with another person and will it hurt her as much as it would hurt me. In my last relationship sometimes I felt I gave too much and I think we had a mutual agreement that we both loved each other equally. I do genuinely feel like the one in this relationship that loves more. 

This girl, who name I don't even need to mention if you know me, but yes this girl I am completely infatuated with she seems to just be there for all the time. I guess you could say emotional I've a train wreck recently and she's been here through it all. I want to say thank you and I did. 

But tonight something happened 'That someone is getting her attention and your not?' This was it, this is what happened, I watched her for about 15-20 minutes laugh and joke and smile around with some random guy giving him her attention and no one was gonna stop her. She has said sorry, and I have to forgive her, after all in technicality she did nothing wrong. I'm not going to sit here and lie but it hurt, it hurt to watch the girl you are completely in love with give her attention and time to some fucking guy that meant nothing. I sound pathetic, but sometimes I guess you put yourself out there to get hurt, and tonight was one of those nights. I don't think she will understand how tonight made me feel, but you can get a hint it was low. 

The worst part is this guy that meant nothing, that she only wanted drinks off, she gave him her number and he gave her his. I think thats what stung most, why would you give out your number to some guy you think is "ugly and disgusting, with a massive scar down his face." The worst is he rang her three times after that when we were at mine, clearly wondering where she had gone. How do I make her see that I won't be taken for a fool. I don't wanna be that person to be running out of the club nearly in tears. I don't wanna be that person again, I've done that before and yeah it hardened me up made me a tad wiser but it hurt like fuck in the meantime. I know she isn't like "her" so I need to stop putting them in a similar category but how I can I not when so much of what she does is much like "her." 

Im scared of losing her so I guess I'm a little funny about things. 

The only things going through my mind at the moment is does she feel the same for me. 

Is she as scared about losing me as I am her. 

Tonight I had never felt so alone even though she was laid up right next to me. 

Spiral Fucking Staircase.

What do you do when you can feel yourself tumbling down a staircase that seems to be never ending. It would be grab a hold of the bars and pull yourself up right, but if your hands were wet it would be pretty fucking impossible right. 

Well at the moment thats life for me. The worst thing though normally I see people saying tiff were here come on get yourself out of this dark place were a trusting friend lean on us and in sense were dry your hands so you can grab those bars and walk back up those stairs. 

This whole drying hands thing is weird, but its a metaphor that I've very much gotten used to. I am a very sensitive person, and things do affect me a little too much maybe. 

Who am I nowadays, I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore, I just want to be me again. 

I just want to smile and be happy at least for a whole day. 

Jail of judgement.

Fat - Ugly - Boring - Uninteresting

Bitch - Slut - Tramp - Whore

Cunt - Prick - Twat - Knob

Arsehole - Queer - Dyke - Faggot 

Disgusting - Fake - Stupid - Shit

'You're a training actor, you must hear things like that all the time' - Anon

Do you think just because we put ourselves out there for the world to see that its fair to be scrutinised because we are showing people what we do, something that they enjoying sitting and watching. 

Just because I'm no Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Lawrence, what makes me different from them, you idolise them and treat them with respect. Just because they have been acknowledged by the media that they are good. 

Okay I haven't got that gorgeous body, or amazing hair. Hell my teeth aren't sparkling white and my face will sometimes all too often show people that I have a double chin.

What gives someone the right to think they can abuse you because you're not there idea of perfect. Sorry that I don't perfectly fit in your criteria, but don't mind me being rude, I don't want to. 

Acting is for the I don't care kind of people. 

Because frankly I don't care what you think. You are not me and will never see life through my eyes and I will never through your eyes.

Am I easy to read..

I thought I was someone who at first was easy to read but then as time went on got harder to read. Which then made girls attracted to me because they couldn't read me. I like being an unreadable person, where people don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. Sometimes yeah I like being readable it makes times easier.

My girlfriend, seems to manage to read everything, even to the point when she turned round a couple of weeks ago and said the words 'I've missed you' which would sound normal if i didn't see her everyday, so i said 'but I'm here' and then said 'yeah but i mean you've not been you, you've been sad.' So we continued to talk about it for a little while, and she said she knew i was down but didn't want to be asking me all the time what was wrong, which for made me feel so weird. She know's when I'm going to cry and whenever I am in certain moods.

The only other person that can read me like this is my mother, who turnt to me and uttered the words you're gonna cry in a minute, how did she know that everything instead of me was tearing down and failing. I said no I'm fine, I'm not gonna cry and I didn't. I've put up a barrier to my mum, I didn't want her to see me down anymore, because it hurts her to see me down. I can't see her crumble, I need to be stronger and stop feeling so shit about anything, sometimes I'm too sensitive to what people do and say. 

Welcome to me.

Hello? I am Tiffany Patricia Robinson, I am nineteen years of age. I am gay (but don't want to label myself too much so I am still open to one day I might fall in love with a guy) and have a girlfriend who I love dearly. I currently attend University in London where I study a BA (Hons) Acting for Stage and Media. I constantly worry about the future instead of thinking about the here and now. I'm undecided if I am where I want to be in life. I try and surround myself with supportive and funny people, but sometimes I don't succeed, which can be hurtful and can rip a part of your spirit down. I would call myself a strong person, I think I've been through a lot to only be nineteen, but I also appreciate that sometimes my worries are nothing on someone's who has a life threading illness. I try and be positive about most things, and I like smiling. Some say I am easy to read and some say I'm impossible to read, I think if you know me well enough then everything I do is quite simple. I sometimes thrive for an easy life where everything will be handed to me, but then I understand I'd learn nothing from that.
Sometimes I can be quite absent, in my mind and body. I like to come home and just release all the anger and pity I feel and just start fresh. I like to go to Beachy Head and just scream at the top of my lungs. Just to release as much as it as I can. It makes me sound a little crazy, but if you've never done it, then go to an isolated field and just scream it will let something out sometimes that you've never realised you had.
I like to write music, but art never comes from happiness, so sometimes the anger and sadness that I feel I bottle to make something truthful in what I write. For example I recently wrote a piece called 'Woman Like You' which is about strong women. The reason for that are my role models.. Strong Women.
I like singing, singing is such a release for me also, and it had suddenly made me start to wonder that maybe I am on the wrong course, maybe I should be doing a music course, as that is most definitely something I want to be doing more than acting. But I don't want to grow a hate for it by doing all the time.