8am/2pm.

Mornings are better when i wake up with you, you make me feel safe. 

I have never..

So here is a list about thing I havent done that I want to do most people call it a bucket list but these are just quite small general things so I am going to call it the I have never list. Some of it I cant actually do, but I still want it to happen.

I have never 

- Been kissed/kissed someone in the rain.
- Been kissed/kissed someone in the snow.
- Had someone run after me to say sorry or confess there love.
- Run after someone to say sorry or confess my love.
- Used handcuffs.
- Fallen asleep in the cinema. 
- Skydived.
- Donated blood.
- Shaved my head.
- Bun-jee Jumped.
- Protested against something.
- Jump in a pool fully clothed.
- Been kissed/kissed someone in a pool/sea.
- Proposed to someone/be proposed to.
- Had a lap dance.
- Told you to your face just how much you truly mean to me...

Getting back on the excer... cba.

So I hyped myself up again and told myself I will get fit again, so I will run and eat healthy. 

But I honestly just cant be bothered. 

Can I get fat for christmas now. 

Hard to hear.

"Drunk minds speak sober thoughts"

This is a saying I've heard too much of. When I try and justify my drunk actions this is what I link it with. I wouldn't of done certain actions if I didn't want to get some sort of reaction or outcome from it.

So when someone else says something to you when there drunk then what do you think. What kind of outcome and reaction are you looking for. In what way do you want me to act. Sometimes signals are so hard to read, it completely confuses my brain.

"You need to find someone better"

What does anyone mean by this, in what way do you want me to react? Tell you no I can't find much better, because you're as good as they get. Or is this a sly way of telling me to leave you alone and just completely back down and stop giving you so much of my time and attention.

I like you, why would I want to find anyone that maybe be better, I'm someone that likes to live slightly in the moment, in this current I like you. So just let me do that, or if you don't want me to then make it quite clear thats how you feel. I'll leave you alone if thats what you want. I wont sit there and mourn of whatever has been and gone or could of been, I just get over it. 

"Why do you like me?"

Again, what the hell does someone mean when they say something like this. Why do you like me, is that you fishing for compliments, for me to give you reason upon reason of why I like you, of the reason that your smile sends me completely weak and I fall deep within your eyes. Or is this a rhetorical question and you're saying all this as I kind of, look at me why the hell do you like me.. You often say how confusing you are. But I couldn't care, let me make my choices. 

If you think the choices I am making, by sitting and spending time with you or trying to think of more ways to make you smile, then tell me. I don't want to keep being told by the person that I'm utterly falling for that I am making the wrong decisions by deciding to get with you.

Let me make what you think are bad decisions by myself, just let me make them. Stop trying to protect me from getting hurt by it all, I'm a big girl, its not like I've never been hurt before.

In the all, these two quote lines were said in a drunken conversation. So sober would you say these same things to me, would you turn and ask me why do you like me.. or say You need to find someone better.. than who, better than you. I don't want to, thats why. I don't want to look for something that could be better, I've got you here now, and I'm enjoying whatever ever this is. I don't care what it is. 

At first I wanted some sort of label, but I just enjoy spending time with you, I don't want to put a name on that, just to signify it for everyone else. I'm happy with where I am at the moment, a little bit of clarity would be nicer, but I'm fine.

I dont want to ruin what we have just by sticking something to it. When I know what you mean to me, why should I have to prove that to anyone else with something that pretty much is just a word.

It's the little things..

It's the little things that counts.

Sometimes it's just the tiny little things, like a message hoping your okay or a hug to make you feel better.

Even though it takes five seconds to do such things, they hardly ever happen. People in this day age are so unaffectionate and unaware of other peoples feelings. 

I dont think others think about what the say. Okay to themselves they might think there just being truthful and upfront.

Sometimes the little thing is someone saying nothing at all but just knowing and sensing whats wrong. They haven't got to sit there and ask you question after question, they just know. 

It's a strange world...

We live in a world with another 7,162,119,434 people. Within Europe it's 742,452,170 and in the united kingdom alone there is a whooping 63,136,265 others. 50.7% of those being female and a 49.3% being male. Which is only #22 in the list of populations.

Our population is insane and it's constantly growing. I sat on (http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/) this website for about ten minutes just watching the number, go up and down. It was insane, just watching the number of deaths getting higher and the births around the world jump up and up.

Now where I live the population is 8,308,389 which is a hell of a lot of people still. 

So tell me why, in a world/country/city that I live in, full of so many people, surrounded by absolute thousands. Why do I feel so lonely. Where I feel like I don't fit in. Uncomfortable in my own body and home. 

Constantly looking for some kind of comfort from someone. 

Sick.

Perfection.

I cant help but be obsessed by the idea of perfection. 

I understand I'll never be someones idea of perfection and I'll never feel perfection in my self. 

The idea that sometimes, the simplest of things can hold utter grace and perfection, it just drives me wild. To me I can never define perfection but yet I thrive to try and get it. I guess perfection is acceptance. 

For arguments sake - I do what I think is a smashing acting performance, I'll come off stage, hoping that I hit perfection, but until I get that approval then I can't say. 

I use perfection on a lose term, I find that it is down to a persons opinion about whether I think someone/something is perfection. How does one define perfection without sounding a little obnoxious and over pretentious. 

For me perfection is something simple. 

as simple as -

'waking up to a cold day, but a warm house, snuggled in your duvet at 11am.'

'the position and warmth of a cat when it is napping' 

'at home with your family, legs on the sette, watching a funny film together'

The one that completely signifies perfection for me is that little crease someone get by there eye when they smile, right there in that moment there so much richness within a person. Something simple can show so much emotion.

The build up for sex.

You know when your sat with someone, and all that passes through your mind, is the thought of them and you, just wrapped in each other kissing and exploring. 

Fucking senseless. 

You just have such a belly full of fire, you want to pounce on them and go crazy. Hearing them moan in so many different ways. That gasp of air, your name or a whimper. 

Insanity.

You can feel your blood boiling under your skin and your body shaking with such anticipation and sexual frustration. Just for them to touch you on the neck, ear, back, legs.. Anywhere!! To feel that electricity between you both. 

Temperatures rising.

Every inch of the body just sweating and tensing. The hot against cold as your lips meet. Scratching, pulling and biting, feel yourself tightening. 

Teasing.

Pulling back and fourth. Slamming against a wall or thrown on to the bed. The utter thought of someone taking full control and using that power to make you become there bitch. 

My current situation. 

Hmm

I have the most beyond beautiful girl next to me in bed. She wants cuddle and go to sleep, and I just downright refuse to cuddle her for the pure fact that all I can think about is..

Her flawless soft skin, and her gentle/rough touch. The way her body's looks so delicate yet so tough. The pure femininity that oozes from her, yet the tom boy edge she has bouncing off her. 

I can't help but just lay next to her and stare into her eyes, and just watch the world escape me, at the same time of having this fire in my belly I have this!? This.. Gentle nervousness, in the very depths of my mind. Shouting at me for letting myself so stupidly fall for someone again so quickly.

I can't help but get butterflies when I see her, and she most certainly can get me smiling when I'm being a miserable little fuck. I love waking up knowing she's there, when I set off for my runs kissing her on the head and just feeling such a sense of ease. 

Fuck.

I think I'm really falling for this girl, and I don't know how to stop myself from falling to deep. 

Like I want to but I'm just so scared. 

I don't want to turn to her and say how I feel. 

That just the other night she turns to me and repeats a conversation she had with someone 

- "nope no girlfriend, nope no boyfriend, I'm not seeing anybody" - 

I guess it hit home that I'm nothing more than just someone she likes to spend time with.

Which is nice that she likes spending a lot of time with me, but for her to say she's not seeing anyone.. Does that mean this isn't exclusive? and I have the wrong impression. 

If that's the case, and I found out she'd even kissed someone I don't know what I'd do, I can't be mad, but I wont be able to keep in how much it would aggravate me that some random or not so random boy/girl has touched her or kissed her in the way that I do.

Fuck life. 

I said I wouldn't think about it all too much. Clearly I don't listen to myself. Just stop. 

Stop. 

Flutter by like a Butterfly.

I remember being in reception at Moira House Girls School, I had my hair up and it was really hot summers day. I got into school early on this day, and two of the older girls came running up to me and my dad. "Come quickly they said the butterflies are hatching" 

I went running up to my reception room, and then without even hanging my bag and coat up, flew into the room, bursting with excitement to see a caterpillar finally make its last lap to becoming a butterfly, the hatching. 

Then there in front of my eyes it came out and just fluttered round the little box we had made, I couldn't contain myself, and smiled uncontrollably. Then the rest of my class filtered in and we just stood there and watched, one of my class mates expressed that we should let them free and they could fly round our class whilst we work. My teacher no we have a plan for these. 

Later that day we went down to the field and we took the box full of butterflies, my teacher brought sugar and we sat and spoke about the butterflies for a little bit, then my teacher undid the box and out the fly.

The butterfly is the most elegant and soft creature, there is nothing I do not LOVE about the butterfly. So I sat there sugar on my hand as still as I could just waiting for one to land on me. 

It did, this red/orange/purple butterfly landed on my hand, I was squirming with excitement. I studied that butterfly as much as I could looking at every inch of detail. In pure amazement and shock that it had landed on me.

This is one of my earliest memories, and one of my favourites, I was so naive then, there was not a single trouble in the world, but I just sat and waited with utter patience for something so delicate to land on me. 

Butterflies and caterpillars remind me a lot of relationships.

The caterpillar stage is the prior crush, its you discovering yourself, or re-discoveing yourself, getting fat eating to much. You feel quite lonely and isolated from everything. You cant find another like you, another caterpillar. Then you spot something, something you like. You grow older and wiser, you go into a love coma. (infatuation) Where you spend all the time thinking of someone and you just want them. 

Then you start talking to this person, casual flirting, laughing, dates.

Then that first kiss, its the butterfly moment it the hatching. When you sat in excitement, your belly feels like its going to drop. But its just pure anticipation waiting for it to happen. 

it finally happens and its the first flight, you're not really sure where you are going but you're flying and fluttering everywhere. 

You settle down for some food or some rest, you don't see them. 

Then every single moment following is the flight.

There smell sends shivers down your spine and there smile makes you completely light up. 

As they crawl towards you in bed, you feel your body become electric. Every single touch is just insane.

The flight is the main part of a butterfly, the beauty of something so simple.