Hitting it hard..

In just a couple of days we embark on a new year full of laughter, shame, upset, and down right shit times!! But we know that, so why do we get so annoyed at the end of the current year saying stuff like "it's been a shit year and I've realised all I can count on is myself" I swear you've said that two years on the trot.

So I've never been a big fan of quotes or saying but I've especially always hated when people have said the saying new year new me, no because you will always be that neurotic arsehole that nobody likes. I've never said this saying, it's been such a weird thing for me.
2014 coming up though.. I've never thought and felt the way I do right now, I turn 20 next year (that's not old, I know, but that's a quarter of my life, gone. Vanished vaullah!!) I also start my final year at uni.. There are so many events next year that I can't wait to see.. Some of my friends even turn 21.

Now I always swore I would never say the saying 'New Year, New Me.' But this year I can't help but feel a little like that, I wanna hit hard into 2014, go in to the next year with a better outlook on life, I always thought I was quite an optimistic person, to my surprise I was recently told that's not actually the case. Sometimes your own thoughts and perception can fog up what you actually see and do. I sat here basically thinking I was a happy, laid back girl. I found out I was a bloody stress head, who over thinks and over worries!! Like heck yeah!!

I have however noticed that some of my senses are heightened for example I can pretty much see a lesbian a mile off, which yes did help me a lost in the last year. But also, I can pretty much tell when anyone and everyone's lying. If there trying to test me I don't normally notice, but if someone's actually trying to hide something or bend the truth I can always tell. I never voice that I think there lying I feel in time they will tell me, but till then I never truly trust them. Which can be really frustrating when you want to put your trust in someone but you have that barrier.

Most of all out of everything I'd say this year was a lucky one. Yeah shit happened, like everyone has but I have two parents who are alive and well, siblings who are also the same, myself I am finally making a better recovery with my kidneys, it's been 4 months since the pain, so that's good!! I finished my first year at uni, I moved into my own house with friends, I had a fun year, an to end the year off I leave 2013 with a girlfriend.

I wouldn't say I'm a sop, but damn. This girl makes me feel and say things that make me feel weak. I ain't ever had feelings like this before. I thought my past relationships were something special, but this girl proves that this isn't the case. I can actually sit in pure silence with her, and not even be bothered. I can't go into detail too much, because she's in bed next to me all snuggled up and I'd much rather go back and snuggle her than write more.

THANKYOU 2013. 

Still that growing butterfly.

So, when you start speaking to someone, you get all these rush of feelings and emotions that you didn't think were possible since your previous relationship. You start to feel invincible again like no one could bring you off this high. Yet you still feel a tad un easy about trusting someone intimately. You put this barrier, this block up to protect yourself from whatever you think may harm you. When really the only thing harming you is you. You eventually over time have that wall taken down. You start to open up and trust this other person you have spent so much time with over such little time. They make you laugh and smile, and you could swear you'd never laughed this much. 

They create this special bond, that emotionally lifts you out of this world, and you know what physically as well!! You could fit a thousand wars for this person, and you would get in the way of anyone harming them, regardless of how big they are and how little you are. 

You begin to realise, that these feelings, this little caterpillar thats been squirming away in your stomach for the last two months is growing, and it come out of that cocoon and has learnt to fly. These tiny seed has blossomed. Before you know it, you've found that you are starting to fall for this other person. You want to just look at them all the time, to see them smile or hear them laugh. That smell (you know what I'm on about) You cannot describe it ever, but its just them in everything. On there clothes, on there skin, on there sheets.

I recently have had this, a flourishing new relationship that makes me feel so alive. Not so much though when i haven't seen her for near three weeks, yeah that sucks!! 

I guess this post is to let my readers know, that I found someone who really cares about me, I've never had someone talk about me the way she does. I've never felt so special to someone, and someone has never felt so special to me. 

It's early times, we haven't really been going long, but I know, that this time, this life i'm living doesn't feel like a waste with her. 

My reflections on myself in a relationship is maybe that I don't talk enough, but I'm trying to force myself to do so. 

Her, yeah she's probably the best thing to happen to me in the year of 2013.

I've fallen in love with a perfectly, imperfect, geeky, funny and beyond beautiful girl. 

How do you know..

How do you know when its time to put your phone down and stop texting someone, or put your laptop away and stop chatting to them on skype. 

How do you know when you walked too far or spoken for too long. 

How do you know when you've spent far too much time in bed being lazy or you haven't given yourself enough time for rest. 

You feel its right. 

You know when that is because you feel it in your gut yeah?

So why is my body telling me to give up spending time and effort on someone who cant decide wether they want you in there life. 

Okay they start spending more time with you and there texting more and you feel like your connecting more and laughing. But if it takes someone over a month to tell you what they want surely they know. Do they know they don't want something but cant bring themselves to stop whatever it is you have. I'm scared, scared of what i'll become when they leave. It sounds silly as I have only known this girl for a maximum three months. It sounds like a small amount of time but when you spend so many hours and so much effort on someone.

A blast from the past.

You grow up briefing knowing someone, you don't talk to much. But as you get older you start to realise maybe you have more in common than you thought. 

It's not until someone is there for you that you really notice them massively. When someone listens to you rant and they help you with your problems do you really start to appreciate someone. 

You go through similar situations in life, it would feel.. 

I 've know this girl for quite a long time, and only really recently over the last few months have i really started to sit up and appreciate who she was. A genuine nice person, now you don't get many of them around so how was it I am only noticing now. 

Maybe I have been blind before about who actually cares about peoples feelings and who doesn't. So it would be stupid for me to pass up, talking to someone and getting to know someone better if I find them awesome to talk to. Never mind the fact that growing up, they were always a bit of a role model. 

They finished school with good grades and continually does well in everything they seem to touch. So talking to them will do wonders for my mind right. 

I never write personal posts about people, well unless its bad normally, because my blog is kind of where I rant. 

But today I write a post about a beautiful strong woman. Who needs to be told, not to let anyone bring her down, trust yourself. I don't know situations in you life, but go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then someone isn't right, you didn't make it up in your mind. You are the best judge not anyone else. 

Dont let anyone push you around and take advantage you are too much of a nice person to let people do that. You are stronger than you think.

8am/2pm.

Mornings are better when i wake up with you, you make me feel safe. 

I have never..

So here is a list about thing I havent done that I want to do most people call it a bucket list but these are just quite small general things so I am going to call it the I have never list. Some of it I cant actually do, but I still want it to happen.

I have never 

- Been kissed/kissed someone in the rain.
- Been kissed/kissed someone in the snow.
- Had someone run after me to say sorry or confess there love.
- Run after someone to say sorry or confess my love.
- Used handcuffs.
- Fallen asleep in the cinema. 
- Skydived.
- Donated blood.
- Shaved my head.
- Bun-jee Jumped.
- Protested against something.
- Jump in a pool fully clothed.
- Been kissed/kissed someone in a pool/sea.
- Proposed to someone/be proposed to.
- Had a lap dance.
- Told you to your face just how much you truly mean to me...

Getting back on the excer... cba.

So I hyped myself up again and told myself I will get fit again, so I will run and eat healthy. 

But I honestly just cant be bothered. 

Can I get fat for christmas now. 

Hard to hear.

"Drunk minds speak sober thoughts"

This is a saying I've heard too much of. When I try and justify my drunk actions this is what I link it with. I wouldn't of done certain actions if I didn't want to get some sort of reaction or outcome from it.

So when someone else says something to you when there drunk then what do you think. What kind of outcome and reaction are you looking for. In what way do you want me to act. Sometimes signals are so hard to read, it completely confuses my brain.

"You need to find someone better"

What does anyone mean by this, in what way do you want me to react? Tell you no I can't find much better, because you're as good as they get. Or is this a sly way of telling me to leave you alone and just completely back down and stop giving you so much of my time and attention.

I like you, why would I want to find anyone that maybe be better, I'm someone that likes to live slightly in the moment, in this current I like you. So just let me do that, or if you don't want me to then make it quite clear thats how you feel. I'll leave you alone if thats what you want. I wont sit there and mourn of whatever has been and gone or could of been, I just get over it. 

"Why do you like me?"

Again, what the hell does someone mean when they say something like this. Why do you like me, is that you fishing for compliments, for me to give you reason upon reason of why I like you, of the reason that your smile sends me completely weak and I fall deep within your eyes. Or is this a rhetorical question and you're saying all this as I kind of, look at me why the hell do you like me.. You often say how confusing you are. But I couldn't care, let me make my choices. 

If you think the choices I am making, by sitting and spending time with you or trying to think of more ways to make you smile, then tell me. I don't want to keep being told by the person that I'm utterly falling for that I am making the wrong decisions by deciding to get with you.

Let me make what you think are bad decisions by myself, just let me make them. Stop trying to protect me from getting hurt by it all, I'm a big girl, its not like I've never been hurt before.

In the all, these two quote lines were said in a drunken conversation. So sober would you say these same things to me, would you turn and ask me why do you like me.. or say You need to find someone better.. than who, better than you. I don't want to, thats why. I don't want to look for something that could be better, I've got you here now, and I'm enjoying whatever ever this is. I don't care what it is. 

At first I wanted some sort of label, but I just enjoy spending time with you, I don't want to put a name on that, just to signify it for everyone else. I'm happy with where I am at the moment, a little bit of clarity would be nicer, but I'm fine.

I dont want to ruin what we have just by sticking something to it. When I know what you mean to me, why should I have to prove that to anyone else with something that pretty much is just a word.

It's the little things..

It's the little things that counts.

Sometimes it's just the tiny little things, like a message hoping your okay or a hug to make you feel better.

Even though it takes five seconds to do such things, they hardly ever happen. People in this day age are so unaffectionate and unaware of other peoples feelings. 

I dont think others think about what the say. Okay to themselves they might think there just being truthful and upfront.

Sometimes the little thing is someone saying nothing at all but just knowing and sensing whats wrong. They haven't got to sit there and ask you question after question, they just know. 

It's a strange world...

We live in a world with another 7,162,119,434 people. Within Europe it's 742,452,170 and in the united kingdom alone there is a whooping 63,136,265 others. 50.7% of those being female and a 49.3% being male. Which is only #22 in the list of populations.

Our population is insane and it's constantly growing. I sat on (http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/) this website for about ten minutes just watching the number, go up and down. It was insane, just watching the number of deaths getting higher and the births around the world jump up and up.

Now where I live the population is 8,308,389 which is a hell of a lot of people still. 

So tell me why, in a world/country/city that I live in, full of so many people, surrounded by absolute thousands. Why do I feel so lonely. Where I feel like I don't fit in. Uncomfortable in my own body and home. 

Constantly looking for some kind of comfort from someone. 

Sick.

Perfection.

I cant help but be obsessed by the idea of perfection. 

I understand I'll never be someones idea of perfection and I'll never feel perfection in my self. 

The idea that sometimes, the simplest of things can hold utter grace and perfection, it just drives me wild. To me I can never define perfection but yet I thrive to try and get it. I guess perfection is acceptance. 

For arguments sake - I do what I think is a smashing acting performance, I'll come off stage, hoping that I hit perfection, but until I get that approval then I can't say. 

I use perfection on a lose term, I find that it is down to a persons opinion about whether I think someone/something is perfection. How does one define perfection without sounding a little obnoxious and over pretentious. 

For me perfection is something simple. 

as simple as -

'waking up to a cold day, but a warm house, snuggled in your duvet at 11am.'

'the position and warmth of a cat when it is napping' 

'at home with your family, legs on the sette, watching a funny film together'

The one that completely signifies perfection for me is that little crease someone get by there eye when they smile, right there in that moment there so much richness within a person. Something simple can show so much emotion.

The build up for sex.

You know when your sat with someone, and all that passes through your mind, is the thought of them and you, just wrapped in each other kissing and exploring. 

Fucking senseless. 

You just have such a belly full of fire, you want to pounce on them and go crazy. Hearing them moan in so many different ways. That gasp of air, your name or a whimper. 

Insanity.

You can feel your blood boiling under your skin and your body shaking with such anticipation and sexual frustration. Just for them to touch you on the neck, ear, back, legs.. Anywhere!! To feel that electricity between you both. 

Temperatures rising.

Every inch of the body just sweating and tensing. The hot against cold as your lips meet. Scratching, pulling and biting, feel yourself tightening. 

Teasing.

Pulling back and fourth. Slamming against a wall or thrown on to the bed. The utter thought of someone taking full control and using that power to make you become there bitch. 

My current situation. 

Hmm

I have the most beyond beautiful girl next to me in bed. She wants cuddle and go to sleep, and I just downright refuse to cuddle her for the pure fact that all I can think about is..

Her flawless soft skin, and her gentle/rough touch. The way her body's looks so delicate yet so tough. The pure femininity that oozes from her, yet the tom boy edge she has bouncing off her. 

I can't help but just lay next to her and stare into her eyes, and just watch the world escape me, at the same time of having this fire in my belly I have this!? This.. Gentle nervousness, in the very depths of my mind. Shouting at me for letting myself so stupidly fall for someone again so quickly.

I can't help but get butterflies when I see her, and she most certainly can get me smiling when I'm being a miserable little fuck. I love waking up knowing she's there, when I set off for my runs kissing her on the head and just feeling such a sense of ease. 

Fuck.

I think I'm really falling for this girl, and I don't know how to stop myself from falling to deep. 

Like I want to but I'm just so scared. 

I don't want to turn to her and say how I feel. 

That just the other night she turns to me and repeats a conversation she had with someone 

- "nope no girlfriend, nope no boyfriend, I'm not seeing anybody" - 

I guess it hit home that I'm nothing more than just someone she likes to spend time with.

Which is nice that she likes spending a lot of time with me, but for her to say she's not seeing anyone.. Does that mean this isn't exclusive? and I have the wrong impression. 

If that's the case, and I found out she'd even kissed someone I don't know what I'd do, I can't be mad, but I wont be able to keep in how much it would aggravate me that some random or not so random boy/girl has touched her or kissed her in the way that I do.

Fuck life. 

I said I wouldn't think about it all too much. Clearly I don't listen to myself. Just stop. 

Stop. 

Flutter by like a Butterfly.

I remember being in reception at Moira House Girls School, I had my hair up and it was really hot summers day. I got into school early on this day, and two of the older girls came running up to me and my dad. "Come quickly they said the butterflies are hatching" 

I went running up to my reception room, and then without even hanging my bag and coat up, flew into the room, bursting with excitement to see a caterpillar finally make its last lap to becoming a butterfly, the hatching. 

Then there in front of my eyes it came out and just fluttered round the little box we had made, I couldn't contain myself, and smiled uncontrollably. Then the rest of my class filtered in and we just stood there and watched, one of my class mates expressed that we should let them free and they could fly round our class whilst we work. My teacher no we have a plan for these. 

Later that day we went down to the field and we took the box full of butterflies, my teacher brought sugar and we sat and spoke about the butterflies for a little bit, then my teacher undid the box and out the fly.

The butterfly is the most elegant and soft creature, there is nothing I do not LOVE about the butterfly. So I sat there sugar on my hand as still as I could just waiting for one to land on me. 

It did, this red/orange/purple butterfly landed on my hand, I was squirming with excitement. I studied that butterfly as much as I could looking at every inch of detail. In pure amazement and shock that it had landed on me.

This is one of my earliest memories, and one of my favourites, I was so naive then, there was not a single trouble in the world, but I just sat and waited with utter patience for something so delicate to land on me. 

Butterflies and caterpillars remind me a lot of relationships.

The caterpillar stage is the prior crush, its you discovering yourself, or re-discoveing yourself, getting fat eating to much. You feel quite lonely and isolated from everything. You cant find another like you, another caterpillar. Then you spot something, something you like. You grow older and wiser, you go into a love coma. (infatuation) Where you spend all the time thinking of someone and you just want them. 

Then you start talking to this person, casual flirting, laughing, dates.

Then that first kiss, its the butterfly moment it the hatching. When you sat in excitement, your belly feels like its going to drop. But its just pure anticipation waiting for it to happen. 

it finally happens and its the first flight, you're not really sure where you are going but you're flying and fluttering everywhere. 

You settle down for some food or some rest, you don't see them. 

Then every single moment following is the flight.

There smell sends shivers down your spine and there smile makes you completely light up. 

As they crawl towards you in bed, you feel your body become electric. Every single touch is just insane.

The flight is the main part of a butterfly, the beauty of something so simple.

Just this time..

Just this time, I want to find myself able to not go down a spiralling staircase, causing havoc. 

Without the judgement of my peers or the disapproving looks from my relatives.

Just keep myself smiling, and away from that type of person I used to be.

Feelings.

You know when you start to talk to someone and you get that fire in your belly and that tingling across just every inch of your body. 

They wont leave your mind, and there perfume stays lingering around your clothes and nostrils for what feels like forever.

You can just see them in your mind smiling, there eyes lighting up and the way there hair sits.

You can still hear the echo of the laugh round your brain and it makes you happy.

You start to realise that you have a crush. 

Feelings.

When is the right time to tell someone, that they make you smile, laugh and they genuinely just make you happy. You enjoy there company and spending time with them.

You feel happy around them and you wanna spend all the time in the world with them. 

I recently had this feeling all over my body..

The rush of heat that would surround my body as soon as she'd walk in a room, the way that I could never take my eyes off her, I'd never directly look at her, but always in the corner of my vision there she was. 

Her eyes, were the key to her soul. You can look at them and just see so much depth. 

Well.. I did that stupid thing of telling her how I feel and now, yeah I ruined it. 

I still get every single feeling I felt before, but when you feel someone quite clearly backing away from you its hard not to get frustrated and annoyed with yourself. 

Fuck It.. 

No longer over thinking this shit, what happens, happens. Nothing I do or say will prevent from whatever is happening to happen.

This my life...

Hello,

It's been a long time, for that I can only apologise. I seem to only ever want to write when I am evaluating my life at the moment.

So here it is -

If anyone knows me personally that reads my blog they will know that I am currently on my second year of studying an acting course in London. It is amazing and I do really love it. I love acting it gives me such a thrill. Over the time of being here though I found that my passion for singing and music is kind of outgrowing the thrill of acting.
I would never and will never give up this course I am on. I am someone who likes to see things through, I'm not a quitter. Hell I used to be, let me do anything and I would quite within a matter of months, but not I pride myself on finishing things.

But because of my love for music and singing, I have come to realise that yes maybe that is what I actually want to do with my life, I couldn't care if I was sleeping in the back of a van touring up and down the UK, creating a small fan base, I'm not about making it big, and having thousand/millions of fans. For me a fan base as small as 50 people would keep me happy!! I just know that I one day do just want to play music for a living. It has taken me nearly two years to figure that out.

I also really want to travel and see the world!! I'm a firm believer of if you want to do something then do it!! There is no such thing as cant. In my eyes, if I can survive/live and travel in a first world country then I sure as well can do that in a third world country!!

So here is my plan.
1 - Finish my Acting Degree..
2 - Try out for some acting work (tv, cruise ships, theatre) and Get a full time job for 12-14 months..
3 - Travel the world for 10 months..
4 - Try and start myself up as a musician
5 - tour the UK..

So its not to amazing.. but for me right there, that little list of 6 things..
But the end of all this I should be 24, yeah I have no exact plan, and no where would be my home.
I just want to be free, this does however mean, selling lots of my things and always travelling lightly, I am a little materialistic and I would have to just let go of that attribute.. but this is really what I want.

Who IS she!! Where did you find her!?

The lines that made history in the big brother house in 2006 have been the same words going round my head tonight.

She!?
Her!?

You are probably wondering who I am talking of and what history or dislike do I have against them, your eyes are lighting up and you're thinking oh a juicy bit of gossip. Well sweethearts it's not going to be a rant from me about someone. So if that's what you're looking for then just wait for another post soon, i'm sure i'll end up ranting about someone.

SHE!?
HER!?

So the person under she and her is, well, me.

Who am I nowadays? have I changed, I think I have, lots of things have changed. Did I turn into a nasty person, something happened.

I not a mean person I don't think, I like to think I'm caring and sweet.

But sometimes when people do nothing but metaphorically shit on you, you tend to toughen up and not be such a nice person anymore. 

I wanna go back..

I used to religiously write on my blog everyday, sometimes even more than one a day. But over time I have written on it less and less. I am not entirely sure why, my blog helped me with a lot, it helped me vent my anger and talk about my problems without the worry of being judged, because if people didn't want to read it they didn't have to. I could write for hours, day, months even if I felt that passionate about something.

For a while I convinced myself I was no longer like that, I could no longer write a substantial amount, when about two or three days all I have thought about is writing.

I am going through a lot at the moment I say that like it is all me, but it's not. People around me are going through more I am just with them on the journey. But when your not the main person on that journey of discovery, it can put a lot of strain on yourself of fear that the other person might drop.

Now I wont name names or identify faces of who different people are that are going through things at the moment, I am not the sort of person to do it. I just wish I could give them some strength and some will power to just fight for themselves, and punch life in the face.

I have spoken about the other people who are going through stuff at the moment and not about me.

So now I will quickly give you the low down.
I have kidney problems, if I knew exactly what it was I'd tell you all but I don't know, neither do the doctors. Which is a little worrying that they haven't found a cause for my constant pain.
I am going in for a little day op soon to have a look see whats wrong, and if there is anything wrong they will make things right.

I swear to write on here more often, I have missed it.

I kept my sane.
Right now I feel like I'm at my last leg of something, I can feel my body becoming worn down.

Hmm..

I don't understand why your'e trying to wind me up.

Tell Me

Tell me that you want and need me.
It's all I want to hear.
Ive been waiting for it all night.
Don't blame my feelings.
I cant help how I feel now.
Just give me a second time.

It's the truth.

I cannot seem to do anything right at the moment. 

I'll just sit in my room then.

Wait, am I just one of those people that radiates don't invite me to do anything, because it happened an awful lot at home, I come to uni, and it happens again.. hmm. I wonder. 

It's fine she's female to.

I am female (if you hadn't already gathered) I live, breath, smell, eat, smile as a female.
With my short hair, polo's, jeans and Vans wearing female, I will always be female.
I think like a female, I laugh like a female, I love and hate just like any female.
I eat and drink like every single female.

Then why is it that females trouble my brain and leave me with a speech misunderstanding.
I will never figure the female mind out I say to myself, you'll never figure yourself out, what do I fully want.
I am always confused with my ambitions, troubles and intentions.
Who do I want to be, I always ask myself?
I'll never fully know because I just cannot figure out this female mind.

I cannot figure out my own mind so trying to figure out another female seems almost impossible!!
It is, yes I can admit with that with my hands up, the female mind will always leave me in a trance of a thousand words, a million laughs and endless amount of tears and smiles.

I could speak of them, to them and around them at all hours, with a light fragrance in the air and a slight eye twinkle in my glare.
I wish there was some sort of way I could read the female mind, to find out what you actually mean, theres so much you say but you say so very little.
Keeping what I want to know deep inside, and the things that don't matter out.

Why cant everything just be a little simpler, a chance to breath and a chance to understand.
I feel like I am in a boat that just keeps capsizing, having loss of air, and shocking chances, going dizzy from the constant tipping.
There are no hands to grab. Because no one knows the female mind. No one knows there mind, you discover something new about yourself everyday. You grow as a person and you accept the person you are, you don't accept the hand you have been given and you go out and fight for what you feel is right and true. With no one stopping you, not matter how badly they want to.

"If I could have one wish, 

then I would like to be able to read signals, 

signs, and the female minds."

- Tiffany Robinson 23/01/2013 01.04am