Dumb Idiot.

When I was young I went to a private school, where they mostly concentrated on the girls they knew were coming back next year, rather than just everyone, leaving me to slip well below average.

I got tested for dyslexia and had number of tutors for different aspects of school. Going from special needs in learning to one of the top in my class. Due to this stopped tutoring leaving me to slip and be just the average. 

Until i got to college. I've recently been writing an essay for part of coursework and it's not until my teacher pointed out little things that made me feel dumb, her turning to me and asking whether I've been dyslexia tested. I have that's the thing, im just a general idiot. She then proceeds to say well you could either get it again as there lots of levels but then if our not you have to live with the fact that, well...Im a general idiot.

This isn't much of a deal for someone. Me it is. People have just been like just get the dyslexia test so what if you're not. Well if im not it just means im a fucking moron. People don't seem to understand, If you have difficulty doing certain things and you have dyslexia you get extra time on examines and they help you. Me that's not so, im just branded as an idiot with no help.

There is no such thing as a small part just a small actor,

I cant remember when I first heard that, but its a phrase, quote that will forever be planted in my head. Its the truth, if you were any good you would of good an amazing part, but then don't doubt yourself, if  you weren't any good at all you wouldn't of been asked to do this.

I know college is not really the same, but It is too. So my casting for my Performing Arts isn't too bad I'm happy with them, I like to play comedy characters and feel I do an okay job on them. 

My musical theatre casting upset me a tad, to the extent where I've been talking about it with my parents for a while. So we did Blonde the Cabaret and I got the part of wait for it....Pilar? I would often get asked by people "Who's that?" My reply never differed from "Exactly" but I enjoyed the role and was in the whole show and all in all got a really good grade from it!! 

I was told from day 1 of second year MT that if I get a small part in blonde then Millie I wont, which made me happy that maybe people wont ask the same question again. I would also be able to do a lot more. We did our auditions...few days went by the casting list went up.

Teachers had told me I've got a good role :)

They said it was based on auditions then one let it slip that the casting list didn't change from before the auditions so why they put the stress on us I'll never know but anyhow. (im in no way slagging off the teachers or the department, im just having a bit of a nag.) 

I got....

Ethel

Who

Exactly.

The first conversation I had when someone asked me who i was, my first actually conversation about who I was, was...

You got Ethel

Who :/.... she's not even on the cast list? Have they made my character up

No shes third on the list she sings the main song and the teachers says its a really good part.

What my role does. 

Sings some solo lines in a group song.

Dance in the middle or front.

Have 10 lines in our script.

10/15 Pages in I die.

ahaha.

The bothered me far to much than it should of, I was really unhappy and thought I might as well just be in the chorus. But, a role is better than no role. Okay I don't do much, I don't understand how I am going to fulfill my grade requirements but I cant do anything for them to change it, plus I am a better person saying yeah I played to small roles in my final projects for college but i smashed it and came out with good grades. Life is unfair, deal with it. Also, if this was in the job world and I got cast that, I'd be over the moon as I would be earning money, sometimes you have to realize that maybe you are just not as good as sometimes you think you are (not that im arrogant, but i just started to think yeah maybe I am okay at singing, I can kind of remember dance moves and my acting isn't too shabby then the phrase comes into my head and turns everything around. I then realize yeah Im at college, im no good at this aha)

But, saying all of this, Im hoping on doing a lot more outside college this year, to fulfill some ambitions myself, and I've been accepted in to doing some of these fields. So by the end of the year, I will be grade 6  on both my singing and my drama and hopefully a grade 1 or 2 on Piano. I will be placed in the festivals and have a few other little surprises up my sleeve :) 

Too late to apolgize?

Hey guys I am really sorry for not doing a post sooner, I've been really...well not me recently depressed anxious...etc So i am holding off writing a post till I feel better in myself and can finally stop writing depressing post, my tweets count has gone down, and im hardly on fb yet all i do is spend time on my computer scrolling from each to each. I spend all day in bed, feeling sorry for myself and hoping that someone will speak to me. Finding ways to occupy myself without having to get out of bed(Ipod) Eating as little amounts as I can, taking to many antibiotics for my body to cope, speaking in a soft voice and not taking my hat off or wearing my hair down. Is safe to say this past few weeks have been tough.

So I don't know how long it will be till I post again either another apology or a depressed one or a happy one, just keep posted.

Love you all.

Crack.

Knuckles

Wrists

Thumbs

Arms

Shoulders

Necks

Nose

Back

Chest

Hip

Knees

Feet

Toes.

Depression.

The worst of all emotions because no one can help you but yourself. If its a few days or a few months. We just have to do it yourself, and be happy. I want to no longer have this emotion. I also no longer want to be hurting...oh hello pills (feel like a crazy person.) 

Sorry, is this it.

Were at that age, and in our era at the moment its seen as a bit more okay. Is sex all young people seem to be able to talk about, is there no such conversation that isn't about sex. At least I hear that word or something relating to that word 10 times a day (no exaggeration) is that all youth has become nowadays. Sexual hungry predators. 

I refuse to let this be a perception that others see, just because I am 17 years of age and over the legal age so I am able to have sex. But surely there is something we can talk about that isn't going to lead in sound like monkeys as you try to reenact the sounds you made last week? Or tell us your favorite film to fuck too. Sure i add some humorous little tales i Know about people. but for that to be the conversation for a whole hour and a half maybe two hours, is simply mind boggling. 

Im not saying don't have sex, why not go for it, live a little have fun!! but find something more interesting to talk about, I don't want to know how many times you've been (whats the saying) Jack hammered? I don't even know what that MEANS!! call me naive call me stupid call me what you like, I just don't see how sex is now the stimulus for our era.

Politics, Science, Religion, Nature, Beliefs, Music, Drama (seeing as most of my friends are P.A students) and there just ones of the top of my head...Fashion, makeup, relationships (not sex related) Alcohol/Drugs (but too much of this leaves me feeling numb and very...VERY bored!!)

Leave your bedroom secrets, in the bedroom. Thank you.

Wait, it's your birthday.

This is to one of my readers.

She is a regular reader, that I know.

Today, happens to be her 18th Birthday.

"  She is really funny

      Just like bugs bunny

           But without the teeth. "

I would like to wish my gorgeous Rachel O'Reilly a Happy 18th Birthday.

Have an amazing!! night Friday!!

Love you. 

<3

Oh hai there.

Im an over-thinker. I could spend ridiculous amounts of money on Itunes. I find my attraction to people changing. I am a Besbian for life. Today it was one of my bestest friend's 18th Birthday ( Happy Birthday my Ravishing Beauty Rakel!!Rachel*)  Another one of my best friends did an amazing performance tonight and another does one tomorrow. I am currently addicted to my playlist (Women) consisting of Laura Marling, Jessie J, Emiliana Torrini, Adele, Emeli Sande and Birdy. Under pressure, I either crack to a new extreme of psycho or am as cool as ice cream in the winter. I get really funny about how smooth my legs are, to a complete extreme!! I have put on weight since after the Christmas period (still lapping up the crmbo food) Im a chubby chubbers. When poked in the ribs I make  a stupid laugh, that people seem to love to record or carry on doing, not cool. I am currently crushing big time on my supply drama teacher aha. cringe. I have to learn my whole Greek scripts by Friday. I want to lose weight. I am really insecure. I feel like crying most times of the day unless im with a lot of my friends, acting.

Hearing different things.

You Say :

You look so different. You look really nice. Wow I love your hair. You look pretty today. Have you got makeup on. New top, New trousers. New Shoessss. You've had your hair done haven't you. Your complexion is amazing today.

I Hear :

You've actually made an effort! You look...nice? today. Your hair has actually been done today! Normally you look like shit but today you look okay. Normal you look like death but today you cant tell as much... definitively makeup! Normally you wear the same shit all the time, but I've not seen that top/trousers/shoes before. You haven't got split ends anymore. You are missing some spots?

Everyone has there own self esteem issues. 

interpretation is a number is a role in so many parts of life. How fat someone is, How pretty someone is, Who we find attractive, Music, Drama, Dance...Life choices...Characteristics...Sexuality.

Some people flaunt and some people hide what we think they haven't or have got. 

Hair. Eyes. Ears. Nose. Lips. Teeth.

 Jaws. Necks. Collar Bones. Shoulders. 

Arms. Boobs. Hands. Stomachs. Hip Bones.

 Thighs. Vagina. Penis. 

Feet. Toes. 

Everyone has a different choice they make due to interpreting something different of what someone else may of said. 

Interpretation on sexuality, is it wrong is it right. it's neither. 

Contract of...

I give my life in your hands. Don't play around, or shake me about. I just put my trust in you, the last thing I need, is some whirlwind ride. My head is fucked don't need no more stress. Days seem distant and nights seems forever existent. Tell me no lies just full truth. Hugs and kisses or slaps and bitching. Im dependent on you to not to let me fall, drag me up with you. Little bursts of laughter. Little bursts of cry's. You have one chance to prove you. I don't want presents I don't want money. I just desire love like you do money. Laying side by side all clammy and shy, made me wonder if I would dare. Getting closer and closer to this edge, you'll fall and I'll stand strong. Don't mind fuck with me honey. Shouting the words I love you. not knowing what it means. down to interpretation is what I believe. Belief is a substance of opinion, that neither you or I can say is wrong. Wrong being right in all many ways. Down to parenting and the way you lived. That wonderful wall that I once spoke of before, Is growing again. concrete not needed, bricks not needed, tools not needed, workmen not needed. This is a wall built, by pity, self-esteem and issues. That one got pulled down by lust and confusion, goes back up with disease and fusion.

Music.

So like anybody, music is a big part of my life. In fact its probably the biggest part of my life. I am overly addicted to having my iPod on with my marley headphones and as loud as the people around me can deal with (without being told to turn it down, believe it or not it often happens) I couldn't care what I'm listening to. I've always like all types of music, but only recently have I started to download it all. Today I hit the marker, no more song fit on my iPod (sad faces all round) This is the case from when I downloaded Bob Marley's whole discography...I have others like this too (Beyonce, Christina Aguilera. Laura Marling and The streets) It really upset me because I still want more on it. I've come up with a solution maybe? Do i buy another iPod and keep both? Buy another iPod with bigger storage, and if so what do I do with my old one? 

when I sync my iPod It normally takes about an hour.

Love life, Live music.

A little taste of song writing.

When people see this post, I guarantee that some people will damn straight take the piss out of me but whatever, sort it out. But today I really wanted to look into some song writing. My previous attempts haven't been too good, apart from Liar, I liked that song, a lot of people told me they could relate to it. So after doing some intense research and writing I have a song, no chord sequence or accompaniment, just lyrics. I wont write them on here, but It is called 'Mind my Head' for someone that knows me well enough might understand but for people that haven't properly spoken to me for a few weeks wont fully understand. What ever you get from it then cool. Its down to interpretation.

Also, I'm sorry guys (regular readers, I know I haven't been on here much this year, but I've just been so busy recently. so hectic, but soon!! 

Goodbye 2011. Hello 2012.

Hope you had a good new years!! 

Should of upload this the other day, but it wasn't working. 
My year mixed into one 8 minute long video :)