Weird sort of Love Note.

I've let myself start to have feelings for someone, I don't think I'll be able to get.

She lives not far from me, when I am in Eastbourne.

But with this whole Uni Malarki how do I tell them then say bye and move back to London, she would constantly be on my mind like she is now, like now I can talk to her and meet her and not worry about like just leaving.

London isn't far but its far for people to commute, I'm saying it like this would ever happen. 

I'm never sure if the feelings are mutual one minute I'm thinking yes then the next I'm adamant its a no. 

I can't sleep because I lay awake just pondering on things she said to me about the past the present and the future.

You leave my head in a trance.

P.s thats a good trance by the way.

You've Changed - Yep I have, for the better.

I'm finding each day is getting easier back in Eastbourne and although I do miss the busy old streets of London, like Dorothy says, "theres no place like home."

I found it kind of tough being back at first I felt like no one wanted to see me, like my stories had become boring and that nobody knew me anymore, I found myself not taking shit from people anymore. Like I had actually grown up. I'm not going to lie to you but I thought this whole go to uni and become a grown up was a myth, I didn't feel any different just a sense of not belonging in my friends lives anymore and I just wanted to get back to the bustle of London with my new friends and to redo the last three months of boozing getting to know each other and fun. 

I came back to the place I felt was my home and where I loved where all my best friends were. But the more I thought the more I become to realise, Eastbourne isn't my home, it's just somewhere I grew up. London felt like home now, when talking about it I would often refer to it as back home. This did sadden a few friends for the sheer thought that I no longer feel this is my place of ease anymore. I feel more at ease in Kingston than I have ever felt anywhere else.

Kingston I go out looking like crap or I can go out to town in a pair of jeans converse and a jumper and be fine, I come back to eastbourne and put on the full works for the act of trying to fit in. Why am I trying to fit in to a place full of rejects, failures and no ambition.. I certainly will never not have ambition. 

I am one of the few out of my friends to actually come to university, when I was younger I watched my cousins go off and get there degrees not understanding the amount of work, effort and courage that they had for it. I now appreciate even the slight things my family, friends, teachers etc have ever done for me. 

Understanding it really is the little things in life that can make someone happiest, just telling someone you love them or miss them can bring a smile to anyone face, to know that there is someone in the world who needs them, it makes someone feel appreciated and most importantly wanted… everyone wants to be wanted no matter what they say. 

I don't even know the point of what I'm writing today. 

But I felt like writing!! 

LOVE. 

Hate.

I hate putting on weight more than anything, like most girls.

But yet I still do it, make it stop.

I'm not even over eating.
hmph.

Insomnia.

Fuck Off.

Say it...

I

1

2

4

Q

mature content. ;)

HARD.

I'd like to flick you in the face.

It's a Simple thing.

So I recently wrote a song for my friend, because she really does mean a lot to me, more than anyone thinks, literally without hesitation would jump in front of a gun for this girl. She has trouble with guys, like most girls, but being such a nice gorgeous girl I don't understand why guys treat her the way they do. She generally is like family to me, without her in my life my life would be infinitely simpler and boring, she brings an excitement and giggle to my days!!

Since being at university its made me appreciate my friends and family back home and just how much everyone did for me that I took for granted.

I've grown up a lot already since being here, and learnt mass amounts about everything, acting, singing, dancing, music, transport, reading people, imagination, films, tv programmes and most importantly myself.

My leading motto in life at the moment, since living in London would be "Just Jump" or "What's the worse that could happen" If you life like this, you'll find yourself taking more risks. Extra hours work, job offers, extra plays etc... If you just go for things "Jumping" you'll benefit yourself in the long run.

Since being here though I have a found I am a lot more in touch and closer to my emotional side, I havent cried so much ever!! So today I listened to an old song I used to listen to all the time back in Summer 2011 -

This song pretty much got me through everything, I didn't think I had a song with this sort of connection, all I have to do is listen to it, and it will either bring a tear to me or a smile.

It makes me think of all the fun times I had and all the giggles, and makes me think.
I wish I could go back... not to that moment in time, because the past is the past.
But
In a sense kind of go back, I want that naivety back and that look on the world that it isn't too cruel, no one can touch me im invincible, my confidence shining bright, my passion still alight.

With so much behind me already, but a thrive to carry on and find the future  let the wind take me in the soft breeze and flutter around like a leaf in spring.

Listening to this song just brings back a range of emotions that I can unleash, it makes me chill and just be filled with the warmth and laughter that, I am a luck girl.
I have my health, I am at University, I live in London, Family that are alive and well, Friends that I love, and I do something I love everyday.

Counting myself one of the fortunate ones of life.
No matter what your deception on my life is think its good or bad or neither nor.
Think what you want to, no one can tell me different.
Well you can.
But, I just wont listen.
Over
&
Out.