Snowflakes.

Snowflakes fall when the weather is cold. Sat round with you're loved ones. With a fire and hot drinks. They fall from high above, and gracefully touch the ground, when eventually they fill the roads, tops of houses, trees. Its peaceful and its beauty is quite captivating. We make snowballs and fight, we make huge snowmen, we go home and put our clothes on the radiators, and we snuggle up a thick blanket sometimes with a hot water bottle. 

Each snowflake different, no two flakes the same, beautifully carved into something spectacular. 

People are like snowflakes, each one beautifully created, carved to ones character. 

People fall like snowflakes. 

The falling is beautiful, its from high above. It fills your entire body. It's warm. You flirt and you fuck. You make huge ideas together. 

Each love different, no two loves the same, beautiful carved into something memorable. 

I guess you can find me writing about falling, I say that lightly. I get scared that maybe she will read this and be confused by my writing, that suddenly she might think that I think I'm going to marry her.

It's not like that, but I am acquiring feelings. I am kind of a little bit falling for this girl. It's weird I'm not sure if she's there to catch me, by her actions I'd say yes, but by her words no.

I don't care. I am not entirely sure why this feeling is here but it is. I don't care if she's not catching me. Of course I obviously want her too, but I understand if she doesn't. I won't be annoyed or awkward if she hasn't and won't be. 

She makes my whole body completely at ease, but completely on edge. 

The juxtaposition of the situation has my mind completely on fire. 

I want to grab her and just shake her and say 

You are beautiful, funny, sexy, cute. I see the doubt in yourself in your eyes, and yes you said don't try analyse because I'll hurt my mind, But I do. It's who I am.

- I got butterflies again - 

We all want to be wanted.

Who doesn't want to be loved. Who doesn't want to be held and be told those three words. Who doesn't want to feel like the only special person.

I always thought I could go through some of my life not worrying about liking someone, concentrated on myself. I've often told people close to me that now is time for me, where I concentrate on my music. Yet her I am again. I just can't seem to help myself, I don't feel content unless I'm lusting/crushing over someone. 

I've tried to push that habit as it tends to be quite bad, as a lot of the time the feelings I seem to have are more than often unrequited. When the feelings are mutual it flies, and you find yourself in just an uproar of emotion. 

I thought I'd managed to kick that feeling this summer, when I was trying to heal and get over an ex, I didn't really like fully like anyone I had little crushes but not to the point where I wanted to hang out with them all the time. Even sex, I couldn't even think about having sex with them once let alone a few times. It was hard, I had no sex drive, I just wanted to get to know people, no one really hurt my feelings, but it was nice. I didn't sit there talking about a girl I was dating, or wonder why she hadn't message back all day. I was content

But yet,

this bizarre feeling is back, I started to appreciate and realise someone that I wanted to spend a majority of my time with. Without sounding like I'm putting everything out there, I do like her. She's funny, beautiful and I really like spending time with her. I'm not saying weehey lets just jump into a relationship or even seeing each other, but I kind of want to know where I stand. 

It has my mind completely complexed and I find my thoughts often drifting to her. She is the first thing I think about when I wake and the very last thing I think about before I sleep. 

What the frustrating part is I can't work her out, this doesn't happen at all often to me. I am normally very very good at reading what someone wants from me, whether that be friends wanting favours, or people trying to be more than friends. With her though it is very different, I don't understand if she is just having fun hanging out and etc. Or she likes me, like I said I don't mean like ready to jump into a relationship. Like is she playing hard to get!?

The worst and most annoying part is when I can't figure it out and sort of smoothness I have goes out the window, because I then tend to irritate them by constantly trying to see them so I can work out whether they do like me, and I just message all the time.

My head is bamboozled!!

I just wanna know if she feels something, or If I made this all up in my head. 

However, saying all this.. I've tried all week, so I'm stopping. 

I will now leave her alone, and let her have peace. 

So that way I then know if she doesn't contact that she doesn't feel anything.  

Thankfully my mum is coming to see me tomorrow until saturday evening, so it will take my mind off all this. 

Whats your perfect partner?

After a conversation with a close friend of mine about our epitomes of the perfect girl that we could possibly end up, it had me thinking. Thinking about life and who I actually will end up with.

Those questions must go round peoples heads a reasonable amount right? Do I know the person I'm going to marry? Are we friends? God forbid do I currently hate them? Will they be good, will we have a successful happy relationship? or will they fuck me over!?

Then I also think about if it is people I know, I start to fantasise and imagine what my life would be like if I was to end up with someone I already know. An ex is most likely out the picture, I rarely go back and If I were to there would have to be mega deep feeling to even think of that. However someone recently said to me that they think a second chance on relationships when people are older work much better because you're more mature, but hmm I'm still undecided about that.

But what about someone I know who I've never dated, we have no history, which can be both good and bad.

I don't know fate can do weird things to people, it has me a little petrified by the idea of ending up with someone I already know, I mean I've done some stupid things in my life, it means they will be in my life forever and they will remember things like that. I also will remember about them, but sometimes it makes me want to reevaluate my life and make some better choices.

But hey where would I be now if I hadn't made the certain choices that I did?