I'll never come back.

"It's my last night tonight, and I wanna see you before I go back"
"Oops only just seen this and its too late now"
"No tiff, I'm busy tonight"
"Sorry, I dont feel well"
"I'm chilling at mine"
"You live so far"
"Working"
"CBA"

Right. Haha.

Thank you to all of my friends in Eastbourne for really trying with me this year, no really honestly its nice to see you all care. I mean its nice to know you've really tried to make an effort with seeing me. I mean its not like I come back that often right, but don't worry you'll "Make sure you see me next time I'm down" funny you say that I think I've heard that exact line leave your mouth about eight or nine times, but this times different right? right? right.

I came back home to escape get away from the crazy life in London, chill out see my family see my friends, just spend some time catching up, being surrounded by those I love.

I hate it here, I hate coming back, and each time I don't come home for a while I start to miss it, I forget why I hate it so much. Then I get back and am here barely two days and remember why.

So for me these last couples of days have been bollocks. Christmas Eve was great, I got drunk, it was nice. I danced and drank. Then I walked home and thought about someone the whole way home, I couldn't wait to get back and just message her telling her everything that I felt. God I hope she doesn't think I'm weird I thought, no I'm being open and honest, something that I find hard. Tell her your falling for her, just do it I said to myself over and over.

I did it.
I told her.

Did she like it, I think she did yeah. She said it was nice to wake up on christmas and read that, I went through the whole day thinking maybe just maybe she will say something. It didn't happen, its fine I did it when I was drunk maybe she will. She didn't. She's with her family spending time with them, stop being a paranoid fool!

Christmas I was a little hungover but the day was great I got a new guitar and just wanted to play it all day, and I did. I barely sat downstairs because I just playing it all day!

Boxing Day, I did the same I barely saw my parents just played my guitar all day in my room, didn't eat anything until about 9pm at night when my mum came back from the neighbours party and told me to eat.

Today - My last day in eastbourne until (well depending on gigs and stuff) I finish uni. I got up early got ready and had a recording session it was fun, I had an interview and it was nice to be chatting to some people. Then I came home and spent a lot of the night on my laptop refreshing tumblr, over and over and over. Then I did sit with my parents and I watched a film, I say I because they rarely got off there phones, mind you I then brought my laptop down and sat on that as well as watching a film.

I wanted to see someone tonight, I wanted to chat.

I hate coming back because it makes me realise how lonely I am, how I don't have anyone to talk to. When I came up to bed and sat crying I didn't know who to message, so I messaged you and you seemed unresponsive and tonight that was the last thing I needed, I needed someone to actually speak back feel like they care about my conversation. So because of this I did that thing were I over analyse and I can feel myself trying to irritate and annoy you so you'll run as far from me as you can.

You know you're lonely when instead of sitting and chatting with another human being you write it on your blog.

I need a break from society and everyone around me.
I cant wait to go back to my place in London tomorrow with no wifi and be unconnected from the world.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

Ex's they often can leave a bitter taste on somebody's tongue, well most people really. Not myself I get on with my ex's I feel you hold a bond with someone and although the romanticised part and the sexual part has gone, you still told them everything and they did with you. I can't let go of that, I can't spend a lot of time with someone to then not want to talk to them any longer. It seems bizarre.

Sometimes I go as far to say I miss them, if I haven't seen them in a while I think oh, I want to chat to them. I often do get to chat to them and I think awh that was nice. 

Tonight I sat here contemplating, trying to think back to a relationship I had when I was in my first year of university. I won't mention names, if people know me they will know who this is, but if not then never mind. 

The reason I have thought back is because recently with relationships and girls I thought about how I always feel less loved, less wanted. Like I was the one that was chasing and trying to get there attention. I couldn't remember a time when the role was swapped and the boot was on the other foot. 

First year, I was with one of my most serious relationships which ended really badly and I was quite distraught about it all, it took me long in lesbian world to get over her, but I did. I had my rebound, with which I think she probably hates me, but meh. Then I got a new girlfriend and it was back to me chasing and I had great times with her, it hurt when it ended and it felt like a lifetime trying to move on. Many tried it on with me but not many succeeded. 

Now the reason I write this post is because I miss feeling like someone actual wants me. Now I'm not sure if I'm saying this because I haven't had it in so long, but I miss getting a text in the morning just to say "Good morning Beautiful, have a good day" or even something as small as "Morning! :)" 

Just to let me know that when she woke up this morning she was thinking of me, that I was the very first thought on her mind. 

Or how when Id go on my break she would ask if she could call me because she missed my voice, there was a point when it came too much and she started getting annoyed with my lack of response (not out of me being a bitch, but I had lessons and wasn't allowed to use my phone during class.) 

She really did love me, she really cared. Something happened towards the end of the relationship that we never really got over, something I've never told anyone. Later on in life, I've found what we thought was evidence and truth wasn't and all that happened never needed to. It broke us apart. 

It's not that I fell out of love with her, whilst I was with her, but I couldn't see her destroy her life anymore and it killed me each time she did, I couldn't be strong for her. 

I'm not saying I'd go back but what I am saying is I regret some of the choices I made. I wish I was more of a friend to her than I said I was, that I was able to give her support over the last year. I feel mean for just abandoning her when maybe she needed me the most. 

I don't know what I'm saying.