Spiral Fucking Staircase.

What do you do when you can feel yourself tumbling down a staircase that seems to be never ending. It would be grab a hold of the bars and pull yourself up right, but if your hands were wet it would be pretty fucking impossible right. 

Well at the moment thats life for me. The worst thing though normally I see people saying tiff were here come on get yourself out of this dark place were a trusting friend lean on us and in sense were dry your hands so you can grab those bars and walk back up those stairs. 

This whole drying hands thing is weird, but its a metaphor that I've very much gotten used to. I am a very sensitive person, and things do affect me a little too much maybe. 

Who am I nowadays, I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore, I just want to be me again. 

I just want to smile and be happy at least for a whole day. 

Jail of judgement.

Fat - Ugly - Boring - Uninteresting

Bitch - Slut - Tramp - Whore

Cunt - Prick - Twat - Knob

Arsehole - Queer - Dyke - Faggot 

Disgusting - Fake - Stupid - Shit

'You're a training actor, you must hear things like that all the time' - Anon

Do you think just because we put ourselves out there for the world to see that its fair to be scrutinised because we are showing people what we do, something that they enjoying sitting and watching. 

Just because I'm no Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Lawrence, what makes me different from them, you idolise them and treat them with respect. Just because they have been acknowledged by the media that they are good. 

Okay I haven't got that gorgeous body, or amazing hair. Hell my teeth aren't sparkling white and my face will sometimes all too often show people that I have a double chin.

What gives someone the right to think they can abuse you because you're not there idea of perfect. Sorry that I don't perfectly fit in your criteria, but don't mind me being rude, I don't want to. 

Acting is for the I don't care kind of people. 

Because frankly I don't care what you think. You are not me and will never see life through my eyes and I will never through your eyes.

Am I easy to read..

I thought I was someone who at first was easy to read but then as time went on got harder to read. Which then made girls attracted to me because they couldn't read me. I like being an unreadable person, where people don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. Sometimes yeah I like being readable it makes times easier.

My girlfriend, seems to manage to read everything, even to the point when she turned round a couple of weeks ago and said the words 'I've missed you' which would sound normal if i didn't see her everyday, so i said 'but I'm here' and then said 'yeah but i mean you've not been you, you've been sad.' So we continued to talk about it for a little while, and she said she knew i was down but didn't want to be asking me all the time what was wrong, which for made me feel so weird. She know's when I'm going to cry and whenever I am in certain moods.

The only other person that can read me like this is my mother, who turnt to me and uttered the words you're gonna cry in a minute, how did she know that everything instead of me was tearing down and failing. I said no I'm fine, I'm not gonna cry and I didn't. I've put up a barrier to my mum, I didn't want her to see me down anymore, because it hurts her to see me down. I can't see her crumble, I need to be stronger and stop feeling so shit about anything, sometimes I'm too sensitive to what people do and say. 

Welcome to me.

Hello? I am Tiffany Patricia Robinson, I am nineteen years of age. I am gay (but don't want to label myself too much so I am still open to one day I might fall in love with a guy) and have a girlfriend who I love dearly. I currently attend University in London where I study a BA (Hons) Acting for Stage and Media. I constantly worry about the future instead of thinking about the here and now. I'm undecided if I am where I want to be in life. I try and surround myself with supportive and funny people, but sometimes I don't succeed, which can be hurtful and can rip a part of your spirit down. I would call myself a strong person, I think I've been through a lot to only be nineteen, but I also appreciate that sometimes my worries are nothing on someone's who has a life threading illness. I try and be positive about most things, and I like smiling. Some say I am easy to read and some say I'm impossible to read, I think if you know me well enough then everything I do is quite simple. I sometimes thrive for an easy life where everything will be handed to me, but then I understand I'd learn nothing from that.
Sometimes I can be quite absent, in my mind and body. I like to come home and just release all the anger and pity I feel and just start fresh. I like to go to Beachy Head and just scream at the top of my lungs. Just to release as much as it as I can. It makes me sound a little crazy, but if you've never done it, then go to an isolated field and just scream it will let something out sometimes that you've never realised you had.
I like to write music, but art never comes from happiness, so sometimes the anger and sadness that I feel I bottle to make something truthful in what I write. For example I recently wrote a piece called 'Woman Like You' which is about strong women. The reason for that are my role models.. Strong Women.
I like singing, singing is such a release for me also, and it had suddenly made me start to wonder that maybe I am on the wrong course, maybe I should be doing a music course, as that is most definitely something I want to be doing more than acting. But I don't want to grow a hate for it by doing all the time. 

I'm paying too.

I am a university student and have been for over a year now. I enjoy uni, I like the life I am living, not completely but I wouldn't change it as its the right road for what I want to do.
I've studied drama, acting and singing for as long as I can remember. I have always had the biggest passion for it and loved it. So obviously I come to uni to further my knowledge for the arts see what I can learn from my lectures and directors. Take down notes, that will help me overcome my boundaries and weaknesses.

That's fair enough right, so when a teacher isn't in what should the do?
Get us cover right, find a teacher that isn't doing anything and get them to cover our class, so we actually learn. Okay okay were not at school we can do individual work, I don't mind doing that, going off for a couple of hours doing some research. Taking in something you didn't originally know.

Well, my university doesn't do that know instead I, myself gets asked to cover the lesson with another peer in my group.
What!?
So I'm paying £6,000 a year to teach my peers. no. I don't bloody think so, I am hear to learn just as much as them, I don't care if I can sing and have had training, because I did that in my spare time. I'm just as much annoyed about having no teacher as them, what am I going to get out of teaching my class. Okay i'm honoured you chose me, thats nice, you trust me clearly.. but theres no way in hell i'd like it if someone younger than me was telling how to do what.

Stopppppp.

How do you stop yourself from making the wrong actions, why do I keep looking back on the last few days and regretting all of my choices.

I feel I don't give my girlfriend enough justice, I talk about how I feel for her and etc but I never explain what she's like and how she's this fucking amazing.

It's no lie I can be such an annoying lil prick sometimes, I even annoy myself at times, so when you're close to someone you annoy them most, and sometimes I can see on her face that, that day isn't the day for me to be annoying. I see that and yet I do it anyway, and she still loves me for it no more no less.

Sometimes I can just be a downright miserable little bitch, and she has to put up with it, which isn't fair.. why is it her fault that I'm being a grump. I snap like a mother fucker and just say things that I don't even think about if they might hurt her feelings. I'm just being stubborn and pissed off. When I think about it now, I'm like no thats not being pissed off or stubborn that being plain rude and stupid. I wanna go back and say don't be an arse or you'll lose one of the best things that has ever happened to you.

Never did I think this girl laid in bed next to me right now would be here by my side, making sure that my drunken ass self doesn't get in trouble or is drinking water after being sick. She's here with everything she has, pushing over that half way mark to grab me.

I have this tendency for when things start to get a bit more serious to push, for some reason my self conscious mind doesn't like me to be happy so I push people away, my heart is literally screaming at me for doing it, as I don't think I could go through not being next to her. But there this thing in my body that just tells me over and over 'she'd be happier without you, you should let her go.'

It's fucking hard to sometimes feel that, that I shout at her and tell her to leave. My whole body wanting her to stay and cuddle me and tell me everything will be okay.
I don't wanna be mean to her, and I don't wanna hurt her, but this thing in my body is really starting to take control of all my actions in life, and its sabotaging everything for me, pushing away friends and family. Even her.

Will I ever see this?

This morning, I have thought about life and then death.

How we have a set time, that we don't know. Our future is undecided. 

I could die tomorrow and if that were to happen, things that I've wanted to do so much, I wouldn't of done. 

I wouldn't have got to see, travel the world, go diving in the Caribbean sea, finished uni, see my sister/brother get married, or even me get married. 

I wouldn't get to spend time with nieces and nephews (who will eventually come.) 

I wouldn't get to see my friends children grow up to go to school. 

Then there a substantial things like I'd never see full acceptance of the LGBTQIA Community. 

But then even being alive in my lifetime, will we ever get full acceptance. I am not someone that sits here and says we don't get equal rights bladda blah. But its true, yeah we've come a long way from what it used to be like. Hell we've done well, we have fought for our rights and we finally got some of what we feel is right.

But still in this day and age, racism is high. I am firm believer in not fully judging a person until i've spoken to them. Well who doesn't say that, but always judges without meaning too. 

Am I addicted to her?

Its like this whirlwind blowing and pushing me higher and harder, like i'm spiralling out of control. that indescribable feeling that nothing could take you down. You're not just on top of the world but instead on top of the universe. Shouting from the rooftops, whispering from the gutters. 

When i'm around her its like I'm on some sort of E. This constant buzz, i just wanna touch her, feel the electricity that I can sense. 

Tonight when she came in we didn't kiss for ages, but when we did kiss, it was really intense and I felt that butterfly flutter all the way up my centre and coming out of the top of my head, like i was bursting with a greater passion I'd ever had. I always get butterflies or goosebumps when she's around, her gentle touch, the faces she does, her she just sends me high. 

I've come to this conclusion of am I obsessed with this feeling, like it makes me feel so good, its like exercising. When you start to exercise again, after not doing for ages, you get this goal this buzz, to better each time. Just keep going keep going and every time you go to the gym you feel pumped and ready to fuck shit up. 

Well thats exactly how i feel when she's around, it feels like I'm running and each time i see her i get further and further from where i originally started.There are always bumps or diverted routes so sometimes getting to that place is harder but i get there. 

I guess you could call it the climax. Finishing. I actually don't mean this in a rude way, but sometimes climx can mean anything, finishing a book you've been reading for days. Or finally finish an essay you've been writing all night 9this my life at the moment!! with which I should be doing an essay now.) Climax with her yes can be sex, like I seem to hungry for all the time, like some sort of savage beast thats never had meat. Thats not a nice image but thats kind of what I feel like at the moment. :/. Sometimes though climax with her, can be cuddling or giving her a massage so that i send her off on a good sleep. Lame some might say, but just the way she snuggles and buries her head into your neck is just the best. 

I guess I am kind of obsessed with just being around her.

So much as just smelling her or having her hand my leg, can send me places I have never been. That aftershave she wears, that is sort of peppery but just makes me want to grab her and slam her against a wall. 

:) 

fuck. shit. love. yes. 

Be warmer, give me eyes.

Writing on here isn't for the views, in all honesty no body could visit it and that wouldn't bother me. I'm not here to interest people with my life or enlighten them about myself. You could hate every ounce of shit I write, but I'll always still keep writing.

I come on here to vent, that can be either good or bad. Majority of the time its bad, but recently its been better.

The reason for my sudden more positive writing it because I met someone. wait, not just some ole anybody, I met this beautiful girl. Which if you are a reader of my blog, then hell you'll probably know a hell of a lot about her already.

I simply don't have the time to explain what makes her so amazing, well I do but i better not make you all envious. I sound like such a sop which is a feeling I've not really been used to. Being the sop was never my thing, being that one that doesn't really give a toss about whether you come or go was more my style.

There were a few girls that yeah I regret getting with, I would take back all of them but this one. Okay I wouldn't, they made me grow and each person taught me a new thing every time, I don't mean in the bedroom, I mean in life, everyone has a different story. I got to know lots of stories, i found out about lives that I could only imagine or not imagine in my head.

Girls that I thought would never even look at me, would look. Now that feeling is amazing, having a hot girl approach you in a bar. But above that is having the hottest girl I've been with be with me, and want to spend time with me that isn't just based around drinking and (sorry about this) fucking.

This girl, likes me. Loves me, for me, and thats pretty damn cool. The best thing is she's not a fuck up, she's really smart, okay she doesn't think this so. Which is frustrating because she can't see this spark I see that will push her far, a lot further than I think i'll ever go, but yeah. She's a nice funny decent girl, who doesn't play with my head. Yeah she annoys me at times as I do her, thats normal.

So i've been really down this past week and a bit, and instead of sitting there and just asking me whats wrong, she just acts normal, treats me how she would any other day, which at first I was like "wahh give me something, anything" but after a while I'm glad she hadn't been all whats wrong, talk to me.. that clingy annoying thing girls do sometimes. She let me get on with it and dig myself out of it. We all know the only person who can help themselves, is themselves. I don't know if she did consciously or not, but I wanna thank for it.

So all in all.

My girlfriend is whey much better than of yours.
Even if she points the obvious sometimes. slag.

what?What?WHAT?

What do you do when all you can think about is how far you are going to sink?

What do you say when you feel yourself coming to the final brink?

Do you not say it allowed for fear that someone might hear and tell the wold of your miserable tale.

How do I become?

What do you do when you think the person you love isn't sexually attracted to you, that there is no urge to want to kiss you all the time.
Maybe it's just me and I'm over thinking things, but how do you tell your girlfriend whom you adore that you don't think that they find you hot cute attractive anything. Am I just an average joe that wouldn't matter.

What girl doesn't like a compliment from time to time or something nice to be said, I do believe in being honest, for example I won't tell someone they look nice or pretty or whatever if I didn't think it. So maybe that's how she feels, like it doesn't take a genius to figure out I'm not the good looking one in the realtionship or even the funny one. I've shot way out of my league.. Maybe that's my fault
I like her. All I can think whenever I'm with her is, is she jut comfortable now, not in the sense of wearing whatever and talking about whatever I like that comfortable kind of thing, but I mean.. Has she settled for me. Like does she want to have sex with me.

She was intrigued by me because she thought I was cool and funny. To then later realise I'm a boring stress head!! Who gets nervous even now when she's around. I don't wanna fuck up, and it feels like I am.. I can feel myself pushing away even though I wanna pull her closer.

I like attention who doesn't, someone to tell me I look nice or I smell nice, something to remind me that I am worth spending time with.

Sometimes my insecruties override all my other feelings and it just makes me feel down.

I don't feel attractive, it's not my girlfriends fault, so I shouldn't write things where it sounds like I'm blaming her. I need to overcome them soon or I'll just pity myself.

All in all, my girlfriend is amazing and I do really love her to bits!! 

It's a bright start..

I wanted to come into this new year, with my head screwed on, knowing what I need to do, and instead of being lazy and procrastinating too much actually do it. I guess you could say i have kind of done that. Today instead of just realising i have too much work to do, I actually did it, i sat down for a long period of time, and wrote out a few things, watched a few things and spoke about a few things. Hell it was tedious, but having got about a quarter of my stuff learnt i'm happy.

I somehow have to manage learning a monologue said by another person for 5-10 minutes in an american accent, I don't know if anyone has ever heard my accent work but there is only one word I can subscribe for it. TERRIBLE!!

I promised to myself that this year what I wanted to do was be truthful not just with the people around me but also myself. I'm not an liar, I don't make up stories (how can you make up boring stories) so exactly what sparked this on well..
My girlfriend happened to say something really quite interesting the other day whilst we were talking about university feedback from out tutors. She said she slates herself in a way that out tutor thought she was self conscious with which she simply replied "no, I just believe you can improve on everything that you do." So with that in my brain, i wanted to tell myself that everything i do can be improved. Either loads or a little bit.

My Work Schedule -

Voice :
2 - Finish writing out and marking Brid's mums speech
4 - Learn it
6 - Write Logs

Movement :
3 - Decide on a play to get a monologue from
5 - Learn both monologues
8 - Write a character profile for the scripted one

Screen Acting :
1 - Learn duologue
7 - Screen Acting Logs

Medea :
(ONGOING) - Just polish on my lines
9 - Final Log

Hitting it hard..

In just a couple of days we embark on a new year full of laughter, shame, upset, and down right shit times!! But we know that, so why do we get so annoyed at the end of the current year saying stuff like "it's been a shit year and I've realised all I can count on is myself" I swear you've said that two years on the trot.

So I've never been a big fan of quotes or saying but I've especially always hated when people have said the saying new year new me, no because you will always be that neurotic arsehole that nobody likes. I've never said this saying, it's been such a weird thing for me.
2014 coming up though.. I've never thought and felt the way I do right now, I turn 20 next year (that's not old, I know, but that's a quarter of my life, gone. Vanished vaullah!!) I also start my final year at uni.. There are so many events next year that I can't wait to see.. Some of my friends even turn 21.

Now I always swore I would never say the saying 'New Year, New Me.' But this year I can't help but feel a little like that, I wanna hit hard into 2014, go in to the next year with a better outlook on life, I always thought I was quite an optimistic person, to my surprise I was recently told that's not actually the case. Sometimes your own thoughts and perception can fog up what you actually see and do. I sat here basically thinking I was a happy, laid back girl. I found out I was a bloody stress head, who over thinks and over worries!! Like heck yeah!!

I have however noticed that some of my senses are heightened for example I can pretty much see a lesbian a mile off, which yes did help me a lost in the last year. But also, I can pretty much tell when anyone and everyone's lying. If there trying to test me I don't normally notice, but if someone's actually trying to hide something or bend the truth I can always tell. I never voice that I think there lying I feel in time they will tell me, but till then I never truly trust them. Which can be really frustrating when you want to put your trust in someone but you have that barrier.

Most of all out of everything I'd say this year was a lucky one. Yeah shit happened, like everyone has but I have two parents who are alive and well, siblings who are also the same, myself I am finally making a better recovery with my kidneys, it's been 4 months since the pain, so that's good!! I finished my first year at uni, I moved into my own house with friends, I had a fun year, an to end the year off I leave 2013 with a girlfriend.

I wouldn't say I'm a sop, but damn. This girl makes me feel and say things that make me feel weak. I ain't ever had feelings like this before. I thought my past relationships were something special, but this girl proves that this isn't the case. I can actually sit in pure silence with her, and not even be bothered. I can't go into detail too much, because she's in bed next to me all snuggled up and I'd much rather go back and snuggle her than write more.

THANKYOU 2013. 

Still that growing butterfly.

So, when you start speaking to someone, you get all these rush of feelings and emotions that you didn't think were possible since your previous relationship. You start to feel invincible again like no one could bring you off this high. Yet you still feel a tad un easy about trusting someone intimately. You put this barrier, this block up to protect yourself from whatever you think may harm you. When really the only thing harming you is you. You eventually over time have that wall taken down. You start to open up and trust this other person you have spent so much time with over such little time. They make you laugh and smile, and you could swear you'd never laughed this much. 

They create this special bond, that emotionally lifts you out of this world, and you know what physically as well!! You could fit a thousand wars for this person, and you would get in the way of anyone harming them, regardless of how big they are and how little you are. 

You begin to realise, that these feelings, this little caterpillar thats been squirming away in your stomach for the last two months is growing, and it come out of that cocoon and has learnt to fly. These tiny seed has blossomed. Before you know it, you've found that you are starting to fall for this other person. You want to just look at them all the time, to see them smile or hear them laugh. That smell (you know what I'm on about) You cannot describe it ever, but its just them in everything. On there clothes, on there skin, on there sheets.

I recently have had this, a flourishing new relationship that makes me feel so alive. Not so much though when i haven't seen her for near three weeks, yeah that sucks!! 

I guess this post is to let my readers know, that I found someone who really cares about me, I've never had someone talk about me the way she does. I've never felt so special to someone, and someone has never felt so special to me. 

It's early times, we haven't really been going long, but I know, that this time, this life i'm living doesn't feel like a waste with her. 

My reflections on myself in a relationship is maybe that I don't talk enough, but I'm trying to force myself to do so. 

Her, yeah she's probably the best thing to happen to me in the year of 2013.

I've fallen in love with a perfectly, imperfect, geeky, funny and beyond beautiful girl. 

How do you know..

How do you know when its time to put your phone down and stop texting someone, or put your laptop away and stop chatting to them on skype. 

How do you know when you walked too far or spoken for too long. 

How do you know when you've spent far too much time in bed being lazy or you haven't given yourself enough time for rest. 

You feel its right. 

You know when that is because you feel it in your gut yeah?

So why is my body telling me to give up spending time and effort on someone who cant decide wether they want you in there life. 

Okay they start spending more time with you and there texting more and you feel like your connecting more and laughing. But if it takes someone over a month to tell you what they want surely they know. Do they know they don't want something but cant bring themselves to stop whatever it is you have. I'm scared, scared of what i'll become when they leave. It sounds silly as I have only known this girl for a maximum three months. It sounds like a small amount of time but when you spend so many hours and so much effort on someone.

A blast from the past.

You grow up briefing knowing someone, you don't talk to much. But as you get older you start to realise maybe you have more in common than you thought. 

It's not until someone is there for you that you really notice them massively. When someone listens to you rant and they help you with your problems do you really start to appreciate someone. 

You go through similar situations in life, it would feel.. 

I 've know this girl for quite a long time, and only really recently over the last few months have i really started to sit up and appreciate who she was. A genuine nice person, now you don't get many of them around so how was it I am only noticing now. 

Maybe I have been blind before about who actually cares about peoples feelings and who doesn't. So it would be stupid for me to pass up, talking to someone and getting to know someone better if I find them awesome to talk to. Never mind the fact that growing up, they were always a bit of a role model. 

They finished school with good grades and continually does well in everything they seem to touch. So talking to them will do wonders for my mind right. 

I never write personal posts about people, well unless its bad normally, because my blog is kind of where I rant. 

But today I write a post about a beautiful strong woman. Who needs to be told, not to let anyone bring her down, trust yourself. I don't know situations in you life, but go with your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then someone isn't right, you didn't make it up in your mind. You are the best judge not anyone else. 

Dont let anyone push you around and take advantage you are too much of a nice person to let people do that. You are stronger than you think.

8am/2pm.

Mornings are better when i wake up with you, you make me feel safe. 

I have never..

So here is a list about thing I havent done that I want to do most people call it a bucket list but these are just quite small general things so I am going to call it the I have never list. Some of it I cant actually do, but I still want it to happen.

I have never 

- Been kissed/kissed someone in the rain.
- Been kissed/kissed someone in the snow.
- Had someone run after me to say sorry or confess there love.
- Run after someone to say sorry or confess my love.
- Used handcuffs.
- Fallen asleep in the cinema. 
- Skydived.
- Donated blood.
- Shaved my head.
- Bun-jee Jumped.
- Protested against something.
- Jump in a pool fully clothed.
- Been kissed/kissed someone in a pool/sea.
- Proposed to someone/be proposed to.
- Had a lap dance.
- Told you to your face just how much you truly mean to me...

Getting back on the excer... cba.

So I hyped myself up again and told myself I will get fit again, so I will run and eat healthy. 

But I honestly just cant be bothered. 

Can I get fat for christmas now. 

Hard to hear.

"Drunk minds speak sober thoughts"

This is a saying I've heard too much of. When I try and justify my drunk actions this is what I link it with. I wouldn't of done certain actions if I didn't want to get some sort of reaction or outcome from it.

So when someone else says something to you when there drunk then what do you think. What kind of outcome and reaction are you looking for. In what way do you want me to act. Sometimes signals are so hard to read, it completely confuses my brain.

"You need to find someone better"

What does anyone mean by this, in what way do you want me to react? Tell you no I can't find much better, because you're as good as they get. Or is this a sly way of telling me to leave you alone and just completely back down and stop giving you so much of my time and attention.

I like you, why would I want to find anyone that maybe be better, I'm someone that likes to live slightly in the moment, in this current I like you. So just let me do that, or if you don't want me to then make it quite clear thats how you feel. I'll leave you alone if thats what you want. I wont sit there and mourn of whatever has been and gone or could of been, I just get over it. 

"Why do you like me?"

Again, what the hell does someone mean when they say something like this. Why do you like me, is that you fishing for compliments, for me to give you reason upon reason of why I like you, of the reason that your smile sends me completely weak and I fall deep within your eyes. Or is this a rhetorical question and you're saying all this as I kind of, look at me why the hell do you like me.. You often say how confusing you are. But I couldn't care, let me make my choices. 

If you think the choices I am making, by sitting and spending time with you or trying to think of more ways to make you smile, then tell me. I don't want to keep being told by the person that I'm utterly falling for that I am making the wrong decisions by deciding to get with you.

Let me make what you think are bad decisions by myself, just let me make them. Stop trying to protect me from getting hurt by it all, I'm a big girl, its not like I've never been hurt before.

In the all, these two quote lines were said in a drunken conversation. So sober would you say these same things to me, would you turn and ask me why do you like me.. or say You need to find someone better.. than who, better than you. I don't want to, thats why. I don't want to look for something that could be better, I've got you here now, and I'm enjoying whatever ever this is. I don't care what it is. 

At first I wanted some sort of label, but I just enjoy spending time with you, I don't want to put a name on that, just to signify it for everyone else. I'm happy with where I am at the moment, a little bit of clarity would be nicer, but I'm fine.

I dont want to ruin what we have just by sticking something to it. When I know what you mean to me, why should I have to prove that to anyone else with something that pretty much is just a word.