I'll never come back.

"It's my last night tonight, and I wanna see you before I go back"
"Oops only just seen this and its too late now"
"No tiff, I'm busy tonight"
"Sorry, I dont feel well"
"I'm chilling at mine"
"You live so far"
"Working"
"CBA"

Right. Haha.

Thank you to all of my friends in Eastbourne for really trying with me this year, no really honestly its nice to see you all care. I mean its nice to know you've really tried to make an effort with seeing me. I mean its not like I come back that often right, but don't worry you'll "Make sure you see me next time I'm down" funny you say that I think I've heard that exact line leave your mouth about eight or nine times, but this times different right? right? right.

I came back home to escape get away from the crazy life in London, chill out see my family see my friends, just spend some time catching up, being surrounded by those I love.

I hate it here, I hate coming back, and each time I don't come home for a while I start to miss it, I forget why I hate it so much. Then I get back and am here barely two days and remember why.

So for me these last couples of days have been bollocks. Christmas Eve was great, I got drunk, it was nice. I danced and drank. Then I walked home and thought about someone the whole way home, I couldn't wait to get back and just message her telling her everything that I felt. God I hope she doesn't think I'm weird I thought, no I'm being open and honest, something that I find hard. Tell her your falling for her, just do it I said to myself over and over.

I did it.
I told her.

Did she like it, I think she did yeah. She said it was nice to wake up on christmas and read that, I went through the whole day thinking maybe just maybe she will say something. It didn't happen, its fine I did it when I was drunk maybe she will. She didn't. She's with her family spending time with them, stop being a paranoid fool!

Christmas I was a little hungover but the day was great I got a new guitar and just wanted to play it all day, and I did. I barely sat downstairs because I just playing it all day!

Boxing Day, I did the same I barely saw my parents just played my guitar all day in my room, didn't eat anything until about 9pm at night when my mum came back from the neighbours party and told me to eat.

Today - My last day in eastbourne until (well depending on gigs and stuff) I finish uni. I got up early got ready and had a recording session it was fun, I had an interview and it was nice to be chatting to some people. Then I came home and spent a lot of the night on my laptop refreshing tumblr, over and over and over. Then I did sit with my parents and I watched a film, I say I because they rarely got off there phones, mind you I then brought my laptop down and sat on that as well as watching a film.

I wanted to see someone tonight, I wanted to chat.

I hate coming back because it makes me realise how lonely I am, how I don't have anyone to talk to. When I came up to bed and sat crying I didn't know who to message, so I messaged you and you seemed unresponsive and tonight that was the last thing I needed, I needed someone to actually speak back feel like they care about my conversation. So because of this I did that thing were I over analyse and I can feel myself trying to irritate and annoy you so you'll run as far from me as you can.

You know you're lonely when instead of sitting and chatting with another human being you write it on your blog.

I need a break from society and everyone around me.
I cant wait to go back to my place in London tomorrow with no wifi and be unconnected from the world.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

Ex's they often can leave a bitter taste on somebody's tongue, well most people really. Not myself I get on with my ex's I feel you hold a bond with someone and although the romanticised part and the sexual part has gone, you still told them everything and they did with you. I can't let go of that, I can't spend a lot of time with someone to then not want to talk to them any longer. It seems bizarre.

Sometimes I go as far to say I miss them, if I haven't seen them in a while I think oh, I want to chat to them. I often do get to chat to them and I think awh that was nice. 

Tonight I sat here contemplating, trying to think back to a relationship I had when I was in my first year of university. I won't mention names, if people know me they will know who this is, but if not then never mind. 

The reason I have thought back is because recently with relationships and girls I thought about how I always feel less loved, less wanted. Like I was the one that was chasing and trying to get there attention. I couldn't remember a time when the role was swapped and the boot was on the other foot. 

First year, I was with one of my most serious relationships which ended really badly and I was quite distraught about it all, it took me long in lesbian world to get over her, but I did. I had my rebound, with which I think she probably hates me, but meh. Then I got a new girlfriend and it was back to me chasing and I had great times with her, it hurt when it ended and it felt like a lifetime trying to move on. Many tried it on with me but not many succeeded. 

Now the reason I write this post is because I miss feeling like someone actual wants me. Now I'm not sure if I'm saying this because I haven't had it in so long, but I miss getting a text in the morning just to say "Good morning Beautiful, have a good day" or even something as small as "Morning! :)" 

Just to let me know that when she woke up this morning she was thinking of me, that I was the very first thought on her mind. 

Or how when Id go on my break she would ask if she could call me because she missed my voice, there was a point when it came too much and she started getting annoyed with my lack of response (not out of me being a bitch, but I had lessons and wasn't allowed to use my phone during class.) 

She really did love me, she really cared. Something happened towards the end of the relationship that we never really got over, something I've never told anyone. Later on in life, I've found what we thought was evidence and truth wasn't and all that happened never needed to. It broke us apart. 

It's not that I fell out of love with her, whilst I was with her, but I couldn't see her destroy her life anymore and it killed me each time she did, I couldn't be strong for her. 

I'm not saying I'd go back but what I am saying is I regret some of the choices I made. I wish I was more of a friend to her than I said I was, that I was able to give her support over the last year. I feel mean for just abandoning her when maybe she needed me the most. 

I don't know what I'm saying. 

Snowflakes.

Snowflakes fall when the weather is cold. Sat round with you're loved ones. With a fire and hot drinks. They fall from high above, and gracefully touch the ground, when eventually they fill the roads, tops of houses, trees. Its peaceful and its beauty is quite captivating. We make snowballs and fight, we make huge snowmen, we go home and put our clothes on the radiators, and we snuggle up a thick blanket sometimes with a hot water bottle. 

Each snowflake different, no two flakes the same, beautifully carved into something spectacular. 

People are like snowflakes, each one beautifully created, carved to ones character. 

People fall like snowflakes. 

The falling is beautiful, its from high above. It fills your entire body. It's warm. You flirt and you fuck. You make huge ideas together. 

Each love different, no two loves the same, beautiful carved into something memorable. 

I guess you can find me writing about falling, I say that lightly. I get scared that maybe she will read this and be confused by my writing, that suddenly she might think that I think I'm going to marry her.

It's not like that, but I am acquiring feelings. I am kind of a little bit falling for this girl. It's weird I'm not sure if she's there to catch me, by her actions I'd say yes, but by her words no.

I don't care. I am not entirely sure why this feeling is here but it is. I don't care if she's not catching me. Of course I obviously want her too, but I understand if she doesn't. I won't be annoyed or awkward if she hasn't and won't be. 

She makes my whole body completely at ease, but completely on edge. 

The juxtaposition of the situation has my mind completely on fire. 

I want to grab her and just shake her and say 

You are beautiful, funny, sexy, cute. I see the doubt in yourself in your eyes, and yes you said don't try analyse because I'll hurt my mind, But I do. It's who I am.

- I got butterflies again - 

We all want to be wanted.

Who doesn't want to be loved. Who doesn't want to be held and be told those three words. Who doesn't want to feel like the only special person.

I always thought I could go through some of my life not worrying about liking someone, concentrated on myself. I've often told people close to me that now is time for me, where I concentrate on my music. Yet her I am again. I just can't seem to help myself, I don't feel content unless I'm lusting/crushing over someone. 

I've tried to push that habit as it tends to be quite bad, as a lot of the time the feelings I seem to have are more than often unrequited. When the feelings are mutual it flies, and you find yourself in just an uproar of emotion. 

I thought I'd managed to kick that feeling this summer, when I was trying to heal and get over an ex, I didn't really like fully like anyone I had little crushes but not to the point where I wanted to hang out with them all the time. Even sex, I couldn't even think about having sex with them once let alone a few times. It was hard, I had no sex drive, I just wanted to get to know people, no one really hurt my feelings, but it was nice. I didn't sit there talking about a girl I was dating, or wonder why she hadn't message back all day. I was content

But yet,

this bizarre feeling is back, I started to appreciate and realise someone that I wanted to spend a majority of my time with. Without sounding like I'm putting everything out there, I do like her. She's funny, beautiful and I really like spending time with her. I'm not saying weehey lets just jump into a relationship or even seeing each other, but I kind of want to know where I stand. 

It has my mind completely complexed and I find my thoughts often drifting to her. She is the first thing I think about when I wake and the very last thing I think about before I sleep. 

What the frustrating part is I can't work her out, this doesn't happen at all often to me. I am normally very very good at reading what someone wants from me, whether that be friends wanting favours, or people trying to be more than friends. With her though it is very different, I don't understand if she is just having fun hanging out and etc. Or she likes me, like I said I don't mean like ready to jump into a relationship. Like is she playing hard to get!?

The worst and most annoying part is when I can't figure it out and sort of smoothness I have goes out the window, because I then tend to irritate them by constantly trying to see them so I can work out whether they do like me, and I just message all the time.

My head is bamboozled!!

I just wanna know if she feels something, or If I made this all up in my head. 

However, saying all this.. I've tried all week, so I'm stopping. 

I will now leave her alone, and let her have peace. 

So that way I then know if she doesn't contact that she doesn't feel anything.  

Thankfully my mum is coming to see me tomorrow until saturday evening, so it will take my mind off all this. 

Whats your perfect partner?

After a conversation with a close friend of mine about our epitomes of the perfect girl that we could possibly end up, it had me thinking. Thinking about life and who I actually will end up with.

Those questions must go round peoples heads a reasonable amount right? Do I know the person I'm going to marry? Are we friends? God forbid do I currently hate them? Will they be good, will we have a successful happy relationship? or will they fuck me over!?

Then I also think about if it is people I know, I start to fantasise and imagine what my life would be like if I was to end up with someone I already know. An ex is most likely out the picture, I rarely go back and If I were to there would have to be mega deep feeling to even think of that. However someone recently said to me that they think a second chance on relationships when people are older work much better because you're more mature, but hmm I'm still undecided about that.

But what about someone I know who I've never dated, we have no history, which can be both good and bad.

I don't know fate can do weird things to people, it has me a little petrified by the idea of ending up with someone I already know, I mean I've done some stupid things in my life, it means they will be in my life forever and they will remember things like that. I also will remember about them, but sometimes it makes me want to reevaluate my life and make some better choices.

But hey where would I be now if I hadn't made the certain choices that I did?

I've hit that point in my life again, where I look at myself and I can't be happy. I think my problem is I get with such gorgeous girls, that I spend so much time looking and admiring them, that when it comes to looking at myself in the mirror, i see the uneasiness of my smile, or the forever raised eyebrow.

So here I declare that I starting eating right again, its cheaper to eat as a student so them 20p pizzas and 10p noodles, will be eaten no longer. It actually means no alcohol and sticking by it, I love a drink and I actually like the feeling of being drunk and hangover don't actually bother me that much.

But I need to actually take my life quite seriously now, I know as a person Im not very sellable, I dress quite messy and I eat way too much than I should. I kind of always accepted and thought this is just me. Being healthy doesn't mean you cant eat nice things, its just all within consideration. Hell being healthy is about the fruit and the veg, and I love so much fruit, that I don't know why i don't eat it more. 

Reasoning.

I am someone that believes there is a reason behind everything.
So there is a reason you didn't get the certain grade you wanted,
there is a reason you and someone didn't work out,
and even a reason of why someone dies.

It's hard to think like that, that in the very moment, when you feel crushed, let down and upset. That there is a reason as to why its happened. Hell I am someone who will preach that saying yet when it comes to moments when someone is taken from you, I cant imagine why that would be.

The older I become, the more life I see, and the more people I say my goodbyes to, makes me realise how much I live on that saying. Fate is Fate, if things are supposed to happen then they will, it might not be the right time, but if doesn't happen there is a reason for it. You may not see it then, but eventually you will.

I am someone that tries to take as much inspiration out of a sticky situation or and awkward moment. I try and relish in that feeling, and annoyingly for myself I bathe in it and relive that horrible put in my stomach or that sense on uneasiness.

I write songs, so all those moments that I capture and try and relive I express great in lyrics, sometimes my lyrics never see the light of the day, either I cant find a tune to go with them. But when I write its the truth, I just write out in essays and hope that I come up with something out of all the mess I write.

People often ask me where the ideas to write come from, you have to so much of your personal life (well I do.) I always find myself get a little hurt when someone does like a song, not for the sound of it or my voice, but the words. Because for me that is my soul that they say they don't agree with, and its hard to hear.

But it is beyond amazing when someone turns to you and say "I know exactly that feeling." It's something quite powerful, that can honestly (not even being dramatic about this) bring me to slight tears. That feeling that those emotions that you have to relive each time you start writing or each time you sing a certain song, that they touched someone, they were the exact feelings someone else has felt, and they connect with you over that.

It truly is something.

There's a reason I write songs about certain things, because some of the emotions I have inside are so raw and real that it just links with everyone. 

Upfront much!!

Sometimes I wish people were more upfront about things.
Just tell me what you feel. Say I fucking hate you and think you're arrogant prick if that's what you think then release yourself from having to watch your mouth.
If you want to tell someone that there amazing then just tell them.
Why are we all so scared about it, I can understand some could lead to confrontation but if we never took risks then where would we be!?
Starting tomorrow I'm just doing I'm gonna be damn down upfront with people.
So unless you don't want my full opinion of you tomorrow, then don't come near me! 

Get to know your blogger. #1

Hello, my name is Tiffany Patricia Robinson. I have just recently turned 20 (24th July if you wondered.) I am only 5'3 with far too many curves for my liking, but I won't complain too much as I got gifted with boobs. I have short hair in the style of a bob, and its brown although its gone lighter in the summer months. I have tan lines, and am starting to go brown. I broke my straighteners and since then have cried everyday (kidding.) I am single. I have one/two sisters called Kerrianne (Cheryl, I don't really count her) and a brother called Charlie. My parents both Susan and Terry are still together and I come from a reasonable small town called Eastbourne, which has the semi-famous name of 'God's waiting room'.
I recently finished my second year of studying BA Hons Acting for Stage and Media at university, and am getting ready to go into my final year. I am currently residing at my parents house again but get to move into my new place on the August 5th, where I shall be living in a studio/bedsit with shared toilet facilities.
I am a overly keen music fan and some of my favourite songs come from adverts, like the Kodak one. I also sing all the time, all day, everyday. It's a skill that I work on everyday in order for me to the best I can be, pushing boundaries!
I love the smell of herbal essence on my hair, it just smells so lush. I spend far too much of my time barely in anything in my garden of in the bath.
I've started watching scrubs from the first season and I'm not in the slightest regretting it.
I believe people come in and out of your life the whole time and everything happens for a reason, you might not see it straight away but theres something!! 

Delving into something

I started to write a post tonight about heartbreak, I got half way through when I realised it was too much. Too much of me, I was delving far too much into my personal experiences and although I feel whoever reads this blog may know me, there will always be sides you have to hide, in order to stay sane...

Does it hurt?

How does it feel? Ask yourself?
You're probably wondering what on earth I'm on about, and I'm not going to tell you?
Think in your head and wonder what this post could be about.

The gut ache that you have that seems to progress round your body it takes the complete life and soul out of you. You sit and you watch, just waiting to get more angry so you can feel pain a little bit more.
Does that pain end up being nice and quite soothing, because you keep pushing that knife in and watching.

Take a step back from the media, put your phone down, shut your laptop. You can surf the net all day and try and take your body and mind away from it, but that underlining pain is still there.

Does it hurt now, can you feel it, twisting in your gut.
Good.

If you cant then well done, you deserve a medal, you twisted prick. 

Tanned Body Parts.

You know what its like, you wake up and the sun is immediately shining in through the gaps in your blinds or peaks round a part of your curtain. You jump out of bed, get ready as quickly as you can, and you head for the nearest patch of grass or beach in sight! You smoother yourself in some sort of ointment, whether that be cream or oil. You just lay for hours and hours hoping that you'll be kissed.

This has literally become my life for the last week or so! So you can bet I was happy when I could start to see my shade of white going off colour.
I've been sat all week for a couple of hours working on my tan.
My tan was really starting to come along nicely, my tan lines where growing more obvious and more people started to comment about my summer glow. Which was great, sometimes I had to hint at them and even flash my white bits at a few. Nevertheless a lot of people were saying it.

So yesterday I had a meeting in my garden all day, it was brilliant the sun was shining but I thought you know normally I put heaps of baby oil on so that the sun will kiss me. So I didn't put anything on, just had a top and some shorts. Anyway by the end of the meeting I was a complete sweat, and my arms were hurting a little... I thought I'd just go in change my top and come back out for a bit.
I took of my top put on my vest top looked in the mirror and there it was, two massive lines where the top had been, with brown forearms and slightly off white top arm.

I was god dam devastated!!

So here I am today covered in ban oil hoping it goes away!!

I can read you.

Its weird, some people say I am so unbelievably hard to read. 

Where as on the other hand some people say I am so easy to read. 

Which is it!? 

I always thought it was down to the person doing the reading and how close they were with me, I usually found there more intimate either romantically or not we were would make a difference with how well they could read me. I have slowly started to realise this isn't true, some of my closest friends who I hang out with too often still cant read me, a vast majority can but a significant amount cant. 

Now maybe this is why I feel some cant, do they feel for me romantically because in my head I feel yes reading someone on a romantic level and on a general level are very different. I am a very different person when alone with someone and intimately chatting than if I was with them sat chatting at the pub. 

I find the question "what is it you want" passing through my ears far too often recently, now if someone knew me well enough they'd know I'm most probably the most indecisive person you've ever met, its to do with the fact that I'm a cancer/leo cusp ( which means I am born around the joint of cancer and leo, which makes my traits different.) For starters Leo is a fire sign where as the cancer is water. So I'm constantly battling with myself. 

So the point that I am trying to make is I find it hard to know what I want, if I say I don't know, then it usually means I don't know, I'm not trying to be mysterious or sexy I just genuinely don't know. 

I am an easy person to read, I think quite quickly about everything and being a amateur writer/lyricist and an opinionated musician/actress I have something to say about everything. When trying to decode what I think then just stop, theres no point. When I'm ready I'll tell you how I fell about certain situations. If you want to tell me how you feel then that usually speeds the process. 

Just be patient. 

How to pick up girls..

I guess you could call this post a kind of jokey one, but I was requested to do this one, so thought I'd have a crack at it. 

How to pick up girls. 

I very loosely write how to pick up girls, I don't mean like hitting on girls at a bar or whatever, I mean once you've already done that leg work and you've got her number, you're chatting and hell you might of even met for a date.

Anyway, that old saying "treat them mean keep them keen" haunts me forever, I want to be part of that population that it doesn't work for, but hell sometimes it has for me. If someone is going to try and play me enough for me to be running back and fourth for them, then well they can just go. Treat me mean and I'll leave, end of. I don't want to be the second girl of the day you talk to, I'm no second best, I either get all your attention or none of it, but I personally don't think thats all down to the other person. Thats also definitely down to me as well, If I'm not taking all your attention then clearly I'm not really trying.

I'll always be a firm believer that if you treat a girl well, take her out, be nice to here, then you'll get exactly that in return. Yes okay there are some arsehole girls out there (hell I've met my fair share) who will just take all that your willing to give, your time, energy, love and money. 

But.. there are girls (majority) that when they are treated with respect that they deserve and with the attention they want then they will be completely mutual about it. 

I'm not saying you have to wine and dine this girl up to your eye balls in debt, but hell do something sweet. 

I say all this but I'm also a hypocrite sometimes I am super nice to girls I do wine and dine them, literally until I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, but there will always be some girls that just don't appreciate it. They don't understand you. 

I have also been an arsehole to some girls, honestly if any girl treated me the way I've treated one or two, I think I might of possibly murdered them. There is such a thing as karma though and I suppose I've had my share of it also. 

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure where this post is going but what I am saying is. 

if you want a girl, tell her. Being straight (no hetro) with a girl is the number one way of getting her, if she doesn't want you it will be obvious, and if she does that will be obvious too, you just have to learn how to read her signs. 

If you are just open with what you want and who you want then if its no reciprocated you can just move on and find a girl that does. 

What do you want me to say, I'm not okay.

What do you want me to say.

When I happen to glance at the moon I can no longer look that away without thinking of you. 

When I see the night sky I can think of nothing but your eyes.

Okay you got it, my feelings written on an invisible piece of paper in my mind that will live forever but with no happy ever after.

You were the one I wanted by me as I played my music whole heartedly. 

This is no happy lovesick story, to anothers eye and ear its rather boring.

So what do you want me to say - That when I smell that pepper scented spray I cant help but push myself away from my humanity. 

When I see you smile with that little dimple, everything in my mind just seems so simple. 

That I want you, that I want to want you. 

That I want you to want me, but its okay don't worry I can see. 

I can see, the no longer smiling on your face when we embrace. 

The no more looking into my eyes with longer and deeper sighs. 

The constant tone ringing that my voice makes in your mind that just makes you want to rewind it all back to september and make you remember what made you see something at the start, before we got attached at the..

Heart.

Life is so weird.

Life is so bloody weird, that thought that everybody lives a life. 

In my families life I play a big role, as do we all within our families. 

In my friends life I play a smaller role but never the less its still a role. 

In that girl who works in Starbucks who served me a caramel latte yesterday. I play the tinniest role, but I was still a part of her day, no matter how insignificant I was.

But yet she goes home and has her own problems and her own roles. When she was making my latte, what was she thinking - about how to make the latte or about how busy it was that day or even what her plans for the evening were. 

We coexist in each others life and it completely baffles me, this was never really bought to my attention until Sophie once mentioned it. Since then I hadn't thought of it too much, until I started travelling back and fourth to London a lot. I was see so many different people on trains, that I started to realise I wanted to make a difference to peoples days. 

(I haven't told anyone this yet, but here it goes.) 

I did that thing, where you tell someone you don't know that there beautiful, or that the fragrance there wearing smells great. Something, just to make them feel special. Hell I have definitely got some funny looks from it, but the response is great. I'm not doing it for a reply, I don't want a compliment back its not about that. For me it was about making someones day different. 

The reason I started doing this, I was in London about two weeks back meeting someone in central to go watch a show, when a boy approached me and told me he'd been reading a book and that it changed his perspective on life anyway what it made him realise is that he wanted to just take risks. Unfortunately for the guy he picked the wrong girl, being gay I told him would mean although I am flattered by his gesture to want to wine and dine me, I would have to decline, hell it would of been great to get to know this guy and we did chat for approximately twenty minutes before he briefly hugged me and scuttled off. 

It made me realise though that he had faith to take a leap after he spotted me on the street, to then ask me on a date. I love that concept of just going for it and swore I would do the same. 

For me it isn't about dating but just taking that leap, I guess in some ways I am quite reserved so for me this has been so beneficial, it makes my train journeys a lot more pleasing when I have a girl or guy sitting opposite to me, I'll just start with a smile and if they respond and smile back, I'll go on to say something about them that I notice straight away be it.. a beautiful set of blue eyes, or the way they smile. 

So if there is anyone reading this that likes the idea, then do it.. I cant begin to explain how pleasing it is to here that smile in someones voice when they realise a stranger thinks beautiful. 

Hell you might even meet someone from it. 

A Love Letter.

I probably would of wanted you to open the letter today.

Dearest Chicken, 

So I write this letter a month before you get to open and read it, so what do I write considering its a month away. 

I think I’ll start with I’ve probably watched the new season of Orange is the new black at least twice already. Depending on when you get this my gig in London will be coming up very soon and I’ll most likely be freaking out. A possibility is that you could come back from thailand and I could be a star aha i’m clearly kidding. 

I’m probably missing you quite a hell of a lot (as if I’m trying to kid myself with the probably) I am most definitely missing you.

I hope the trip has been a blast so far, which I do not doubt for a second. You’ve got through a month and you’ve more than likely done so much. You still have another month left, before you come back to the UK. 

Hope you like the necklace, I have two thoughts about it (that I will probably have said to you already but still..) If you turn the moon on its side, its kind of like a smile, smiles are the same in every language so keep lifting up that gorgeous smile like you always do, show off them cute dimples, because a smile suits you aha. The other is that no matter where you are in the world, we look at the same moon. 

Talking of missing you, I hope you miss me to otherwise yep I’ll probably be bitter :) Believe it or not, I actually probably will miss your witty remarks or sarcastic comments, and even your long talks about aliens and the theory of life! I will most definitely be missing a sophie rant about something or other. 

I hope the no eating crisps and crap is going well, you’ll be feeling fresh if you are. Hope the food out there is good also, plenty of fresh fish and veg, mm!! 

It’s your birthday soon.. well kinda!! are you excited yet.

Letters are hard to write in advance, I don’t know how Gerry did it for Holly (I wonder if you get that, because I probably wouldn’t!!)  I’ll just steal something he writes aha!! 

Give me a message when you've finished reading this, if you can, so I know when charlie gave this to you!! 

I don’t want to write too much, because I know you get bored of reading for a long period of time, so I don’t wanna bore you. Talking of boring bet your missing my story telling haha.

I wonder what you’re doing today other than you know getting kissed by the asian sun. My day probably consists of working if i got a job, to be honest the likeliness of that is slim. Sitting in the ever so beaming english sunshine :| or some sort of music be that writing, busking or rehearsing. 

I feel on this trip you're having an insane time and I hope you and the girls are having loads of fun, with laughter. Memories to share with your children and friends through the years.

Awh I miss your meow sound.

Also btw my back hasn’t been properly cracked for a month!! 

If you haven’t gone for a massage already (which is highly unlikely) and you’re not doing anything today, then go and get one, try and get as many as you can, because if you come back and I offer to rub your shoulders for a bit and there tense as hell, its going to take me ages to sort them out!!

Anyway I just wanted you to write you this letter, to let you know that I miss you and canny wait for you to get back and give me a present haha only kidding chicken. 

I also wanted to write you this letter because you mean a hell of a lot to me. How could I not write you a letter, when we don’t get to see each other for two months.

You are loyal, trustworthy and caring, your smile lights up a room and you carry yourself in such a way. I think you are amazing, how I feel for you is quite simple, theres no confusion. You drive me insane but a good insane, and you make me smile and laugh so much. I love being around you. 

When you get back another month and you’ve then known me a full year!! The new first years will be starting, you’ll be doing some proper work, and I’ll be doing my final work. Don’t worry I’ll keep slipping your name in there with my year from now and over the summer, with the dissertation pieces. 

A part of me was quite nervous and scared about writing this letter for you, I don't know why, I just got scared about what you thought about me doing this for you. 

I sat here writing all of that and then I felt the need to write something more about you and not about the trip. 

I still remember the very first night you stayed at mine an I lay there still and completely fixed to my side of the bed, because I was so damn nervous being around you!! I still vividly remember you in that velvet dress you always used to wear, it feels like only yesterday I was coming round and fixing your tv!! 

I really enjoyed going to see Charlie and the chocolate factory with you, you are someone that truly makes my 100happydays.. Most people just ask me or I take a picture of them. But you are someone that when I spend time with you I always laugh or smile!! 

Yet here we are half way across the world and you're still on my mind. I write this in advance obviously because I dot doubt for a second that you'll constantly be on my mind. 

----------- you truly are something special, I love so much about you, you have this way with me that I can explain. Each and every time I look at you, I always think you look so beautiful, you say I say that too much, but it's because it is how I felt. But take the things on the outside of you that I love away and you’re still lovely like, the way you have so many different types of smiles and the way your dimples, cheekily imprint on your cheeks, or the way you smell in the mornings that made cuddles the ever more pleasing. You have a brain, and a good one at that, sometimes you have me really questioning my beliefs due to what you say, and that's quite powerful!! You have such a way with words which is great considering your an acting student. You're such an intelligent girl, regardless of how your theory work is. 

My life really has changed since meeting you, I mean fuck if it wasn't for you pushing me I would never of got that bloody toe sorted ;) I also wouldn't of pushed myself as much musically, because I don't know if you ever knew but, before you got here yes I played guitar a tad and sung but only really started to really sing and play more when you used to record me and love it. You're the reason I started singing more. I'm a lucky person to have you in my life. 

You have a place in my heart. I'll still be waiting here when you get back. 

P.s I love you.

Where is you writing?

It's a weird concept to me. 

Somebody like myself - I am dyslexic, like a lot of people nowadays but I'll never let it hold me back or use it as an excuse to not hand work in either at all or a belated deadline. For me it is weird though, I hate writing essay they are the ban of my life, but writing, damn I love it. 

The by far weirdest thing for me though, is being asked by someone you don't really know why you haven't been writing much recently, I simply had nothing to say than wow you read my blog. 

I won't lie sometimes I feel a bit like Barney asking my friends to read it to tell me what they think but I never thought one would take me up on that and actually regularly read. 

So here is my answer - 

Why haven't you written as much at the moment? 

The reason why is because of LOVE.. I wrote a piece not too long ago asking what everyone though about love. This time of my life I was coming out of a relationship to girl who held a big part of my life and an even bigger part of my heart. 

Now, I am single, and although she does still hold a bit of my heart its a substantial amount smaller, I would say she's also a big part of my life but she's been away for a little while and we've not really spoken. 

So I haven't written recently because I've been getting over a heartbreak. Some say writing is the best therapy, but for me I didn't want to do that because although I agree I didn't think it was fair too write about a breakup with this girl, because she is still special to me. She's an ex, and I know how I feel about ex's (which I don't think anyone will truly understand) but I'll always have her back, even if I did so secretly hate her for a little bit. 

I want I want.

I want. 

A phrase that when immediately heard I think of a spoilt little 7 or 8 year old girl telling her mummy and daddy that she wants this and that.

But the topic I am using I want for today, isn't the same, I guess you could say there is a spoilt element to it, about what I want. 

I however do not believe it is something I cannot have.. 

I want to be the reason someone cant sleep because there so excited about seeing me the next day. I want to be the background on someones phone. I want someone to go home to there friends and say this is her. I want to be the reason they wake up smiling. I want to be the reason they make an effort for dinner or lunch. I want to be the person that makes them feel comfortable enough to chill out in sweats with there hair up and no makeup. I want to be the person they can laugh and snort in front of. I want to be the reason for that smile on there face. I want to be the spoon that they cuddle up to or be cuddled by. I want to be the reason that every time they smell that smell they get butterflies. I want to be the person that they say I love you, too. I want to be the reason for the butterflies. I want to be the reason for them having no free text or calls left. I want to be the person they call first when they cry. I want to be the person holding there hand at friend or families funeral. I want to be the owner of the jumper or top they cant stop wearing. I want to be the reason they look at the stars and the moon and then realise I'm right there with them. I want to be the reason thy write a love letter. I want to be the person they cant go a single day without talking to. 

I want to be the reason they say I do. 

Today I thought a lot about marriage about finding the one and settling down. I don't mean now, I couldn't say I was ready for that, because I'm most certainly am not. Its just weird. My life partner, my soulmate is out there, hell I could of met them already, I could be friends with them. The person I am going to marry is living there life and they are smiling or crying. Regardless of that though they are a living breathing person, going through life. 

Sometimes I forget how amazing people and the world is. 

What is your opinion on love?

I sometimes feel like such a "hippy" when I think or talk about love. 

Love is everywhere, between your friends and family. That special someone you've been together with since you were 8 or that guy/girl that sits in front of you in class. 

Either way, its there. It may not be the same love you give to your mum or your partner, but its there.

I tend to ask the question a lot, what is your opinion on love. 

When I'm sat with people it turns into a lovely debate/talk about what others think love is about, or what it involves, or sometimes even what they've experienced. 

All in all though, everyone has something that they always go back to, they've all experienced love.

Before writing this piece I knew I wanted to get some opinions from others on what love is for them and I did.  The great thing about asking this, was at first some hesitated.. one even put "Cor Blimey." It's something hard to write about, but saying that everyone has an opinion on it. 

The question I asked is the title. 

'What is your opinion on Love?' 

Katy - 

The ability to be the best thing in the world. But also the ability to be the worst thing in the world. At the moment most important to me is the love i have for my friends and my family. I was actually just talking to a friend earlier who said she hardly ever tells her mum she loves her because she doesnt want it to be a throw away phrase, but i tell my mum i love her multiple times a day, on the phone or like today when she came back for her lunch break from work and left again. And just because i say it alot, in no way is it ever a throw away comment. Love is what we all strive for.

Anonymous Guy - 

Love is this word that seems to get tossed around so easily, 'I would love a cup of tea', 'I love that film'

But the feeling of love goes much deeper than that. As someone who is described as logical, sarcastic and guarded, I have done some of the most illogically things and soppy things due to being in a state of love. It is mind altering. But not to be confused with infatuation which people seem to misinterpret for love easily. From my experience it has made me willing to do or suggest things to do with another, not for my own enjoyment, but simply because it will make the other person happy. When I reflect it has led to some of my most selfless actions. But I have witness it truly bring out the worst side in people, all in the name of love.

Hannah - 

Love is amazing. Love is something that consumes us. Becomes our every thing. We love constantly. We can find it anywhere. 

Love is dangerous though. It's a risky game to play. It is what can make you or break you. Yet with every love that seems to break you, those around you who love you will build you up again. Love is always there, even in our darkest days

Anonymous Girl - 

I feel like I'm in two halves about love. I was the one in english class who defended Romeo and Juliet's love, when everyone else was calling them reckless and rash. Not to mention being a Disney fanatic, and I need not to elaborate on the ideals of love that presents. However, I would definitely not fall into the category of being a 'lovey dovey' person. 'Promposals' are the latest on a long list of growing phenomena that make me want to vom. Also appearing on the list are Facebook relationship statuses, cringeworthy gushing paragraphs (we all know some offenders there) and people who talk so intensely about being 'being love'. I guess it could be said that I'm just 'jealous', which leads into the other side of my feelings about love, the side that probably is an influence on my averse reaction to soppiness. I believe that love does exist, but worry that it won't end up finding me. This is silly, paranoid, blah blah blah, but I do hesitate to say 'there's someone for everyone', because, sadly, sometimes there's not, and I cannot shake the fear that I will be one of those people. Having said this, I already know I'm wrong. Love has already visited my life, in the form of my friends, who, as I discussed with one of my closest girls recently, can be your true soul mates, as opposed to a partner.

Rachel - 

I think there are different types of love, the love you feel for a relative or friend (or food;) ) is different from love you'd feel from a partner. In my opinion when someone falls in love - properly- they fall in love with that persons soul. That person suddenly turns into the most beautiful & desirable person in the world to them, even if they're not their regular 'type' - or gender.

Sophie -

I think its stupid that people think they can even describe love, everyone feels it differently, its a different emotion for everyone. although saying that i agree we all share it. I immediately thought of love for a sexual partner rather that love for a family or relative as they are completely different. You know you love someone when you start to love them more than yourself, I don't mean egotistical or in vanity, I mean in a life or death situation where you would put yourself first if they were to come in harms way. There is no specific description of love because there is no same love. No two love is the same, you don't feel the same sort of hatred or the same sort of jealousy as anyone else in this world. People make out love is really rare, but I don't think it is, if you have an open mind then it will come. Love is more than what you can put into a poetic sentence. love is simple love just is.

Ali - 

Love to me is like a virus that utterly consumes you and breaks your barriers and walls down and leaves you naked and vulnerable to someone. It is an ultimate game of trust where you leave your self totally at the mercy of someone else. Should they feel the same about you, you go on to build something. Should they break your heart you again build barriers and walls until someone else comes along. Being hurt and broken by loving someone in itself gives value to love when you find that one special person. It is a drug worth taking regardless of how bad the hangover is.

Tiffany - 

I'm not sure if my take on love is something that you haven't already read or heard, but its the way I choose to look at love, like truly look at it. If I have ever spoken to you about love, disregard it, because right now is my honest opinion. I like to sit and listen on what people feel love is about or there opinion is on it, I am someone that is very open to my opinion being changed about love, so I'm very easily swayed with what people say about it. 

But for me. 

I cant even sit here and explain love, because sometimes I just feel stupid, I'm only 19 and here I am trying to put my take on it, when sometimes I don't even know what love is. Yet on the other hand, I think love can be the most uplifting emotion you have, it takes me to a new extreme. It can either be over explained with lots of fancy words. Sometimes love isn't explainable, its just there. A raw emotion that we feel. Yes that feeling maybe little and small or large and mighty, but it lives inside of our souls. I have felt love, and I have felt heartbreak and I often put those two together. I in fact too often mix them and I even say love for me is shit.. but I know Its not. Love is taught throughout school and life as something we have to share with everyone and we get this perfect idea of what love is. I hate that idea of perfect love, there is no perfect love. There is just emotion which happens to be love. 

Now for me this was probably one of the most eye opening pieces I have written, well kind of, I hardly did anything, other than just read what everyone had put. It was a lot to take in, everyone I asked was of an age between 19-23, bar one person who is in there late 20's. Now I think maybe If I were to do this again but only ask people say about 30 or 40, then the outcome might be either very different or fractionally different. It would be interesting to see the results.

I just wanted to do this piece to show everyone, that love is different for everyone. I know we all know that but I think we forget. Love I think is something we should say more to each other, I don't see enough love around anymore. 
(P.s thank you to everyone who gave me there opinion it was massively appreciated!! You are some great people to me.)

I don't want it back.

You know when someone gives you something back of yours and you just don't want it back. 

Either its in bad condition so you're like no way!! 

In that rare case though you actually just want them to have it. 

I have a returned item that I don't want. 

Something in me, that I want someone else to have. 

People are looking for the item that was returned but I don't want to give it to anyone. 

Just you. 

Now readers either you're smart and you've figured out what I'm talking about. 

Or you haven't really thought about it and you're wondering. 

Well.. if you read my previous post form the other day 'Come and Go,' then you would know I had my heart returned. 

But theres this sticky situation, I don't want it. The only reason for me to have it back would be to give it to someone else, but I definitely don't want that. Now its that weird thing, my heart was returned by I don't have it still. No matter how many times she could bring it back to me, it will firmly be with her. 

I cant seem to get over this girl, and normally that would infuriate me, but I'm just seeing what its like. Ive never had this sort of break up and it feels weird, but its actually refreshing coming out of it, without wanting to harm them. 

I still love her madly and I would jump at the chance to be with her again, I cant help it. I always thought it would be weak of a person to still wait around or have something for someone after they'd broken up still, but now. Now I realise why. 

I guess its not fully sinking in to my head because theres a part of me that hopes that she still sees me as more as a friend. Even that 5% keeps the fire lit. She have to physically see me and tell me to leaver her alone, for me to ever listen and leave her alone. 

I still want to fight for her as I have so much left in me, but I won't because it isn't the right time. 

Theres only so much holding on a person can do. 

Either way I can do more.

The Start of something..

New things in this world is amazing. Whether that be a new born baby, an animal or even a new job. It's a phenomenal feeling, of pride and accomplishment. 

So when something/someone new comes into your life how do you celebrate that with out shouting it from the rooftops. 

Or do you just shout it from the rooftops. 

Now, you're probably wondering what an earth is new in my life.. Well readers there is something I need to tell you.

As some of you may know due to my posts on here, or if you're actually a close friend of mine that follows what I do, then you would fully know I am singer through to my bones. I live, eat and sleep music. It fuels me in everything I do. 

So when I get exciting opportunities I want to shout them from the rooftops confessing my love for what I being able to do. 

I recently got contacted by a very lovely DJ from London who has his own dance tracks and plays in some amazing clubs round the country. Now at first when he contacted me I just genuinely got excited, people telling me they like my music can make me happy, give me high for about three weeks!

Anyway, when he contacted me it was different this time, he wasn't just here to say he liked my music but also to be a part of his music. 

I felt like screaming, that this dude, who doesn't know me, wants me to write lyrics and sing them on his track. 

It finally made it all sink in that maybe one day someone will actually pay for a CD of mine, maybe one day someone will actually come up to me in the street and say 'OMG your Tiffany the singer right' I don't have to be famous, hell I don't gotta be rich, but someone recognising you for singing, and being truly inspired by your work. 

Now that is what I want. 

Stay.

Stay - The name of a song from 2013 from Rihanna. 

Stay - Something you say to someone when you want them to hang around a bit longer.

Stay - Something your family and closest friends do throughout your life.

Our journey throughout life is short, we are tiny millisecond in the earths life.

- Yet so many people seem to think the word revolves around them. -

Anyway, we meet people throughout our life that come and go, but then we also meet these people that stay. Our family, obviously for most we meet our family when were first born, for some though they don't meet for a good 15/20 years into there life.

Family have an obligation, they kind of have to stick around, now saying that I understand just like some, that sometimes families do not get on, making it next to impossible to have two people in the same room. You can't choose your family.

My family I don't doubt for a second will ever leave me. I have a close connection with my parents and my siblings and its something I truly cherish. There people I could call anytime of the day to cry and they'd listen, they have my back regardless of what I've done, there stood firmly by my side. 

My parents are supportive, like beyond what I see most parents doing. My mum and dad put there all into making sure I get the life that I want regardless of what it cost. They really push me to go for my goals and to really chase my dreams because no one else will do it for me. 

My siblings are amazing, there two people I truly just connect with. 

My sister is so like me its unreal, hey she's probably more witty than me and a hell of a lot faster with a sarcastic response, but were alike. They way we speak, our laughs and even sometimes they way we think!! I never really thought me and my sister look like a like, but apparently we do. 

My brother, I haven't known my whole life, I only met him when I was in my early teens, but that had nothing on my relationship with him, we also are so alike. growing up not in someones life meeting them and realising that your definitely supposed to have them on your side of the path throughout life. 

These four people I have in my life mean the world to me, I would go crazy if anyone hurt them. I cant do much but I'd fight until the end for these people, because they honestly my favourite. 

But, 

(now you're probably wondering why there is a but, when I write such nice things about my family why would there be a but) 

I have people in my life who aren't my family that I think will stay. There are some friends I have that I hope stay in my life, because there positive, there fun, and they make me smile. 

But there is one main one, now I didn't think I would change who I thought would be my best friend for life. I had a childhood friend who I thought I would be friends with until one of us died, although I think were always be friends, just not best friends. 

Now for me it changed, it changed when I knew I could ring this guy crying saying stuffs happened and he threatened to beat the ass of the person that did it, If I was stuck somewhere and had no money nothing, I could get a hold of him and he'd be there. 

This guy is truly someone in my life I never want to let go of, when you meet someone in your life that your soul mates with everyone assumes they mean soul mates who marry and are in love. I don't think that, I think sometimes you can meet your soulmate of a friend also. 

This guy that I'm writing about he is my soulmate friend. Through sickness and through health. I know he we always be around. 

These people in my life will all stay. 

Come and go.

Things in life they come and they go. 

People in life they come and they go. 

So how do you do stop that process, how do you continue to have someone in your life. Can you do anything to stop it? or is it just life that people will forever come and go.

For example, I talk to about a handful of people I went to secondary school with, that to me feels quite bizarre because I went through school without a care in the world. Thinking some of the friends that I made at school I would be friends with for at least another ten years!! 

I speak to a fair few more people I went to college with, a lot of them are still in my life and I try and stay in contact with them, not so much when I'm at uni as it is quite hard but when I come home I try and see everyone that I want too. 

Sometimes you can drift away from someone but then weirdly you come in connection again. I think that part is truly the amazing. 

How you can spend close to three years not really talking to someone then meet one day and suddenly its like nothing changed. 

I recently had something returned to me, my heart. Now I know that sounds a tad lame but its true, my heart was kindly given back to me. I don't begrudge this girl, and I far from hate her. Of course I still love her and I'd drop anything if she called me crying. 

The relationship didn't work, and I don't wanna go into too much, I know why it didn't work and I understand that. 

Me being me, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. Although a part of me used to think I was a realist I know I'm not. I'm hopelessly romantic from the big organs in my body to the tiny little standing strands of hair on my arms and neck.

So she really did make me into a better person, like I finally got things sorted, hell she inspired me and I like to hope I inspired her a little also. Today I did something I put off for years, okay I wasn't successful but I had to prove it to myself that I could do it. If it wasn't for her though, I don't think I would of initially said yes. 

I have a lot to thank her for, she has really opened my eyes, to see life in a different picture, hell I have been downright shit about the breakup but in myself I am happy. I'm no longer down. 

I haven't felt like this in a long time. 

So the outcome of this, is. She came into my life when I needed her most and she helped me, and now she's kind of gone, but I think/hope that she will be back in my life again soon, even if its not romantically/sexually.. because she's someone that everyone needs. I only hope that one day when she's in time of need I can return the favour.
I guess you can say there will forever be a special little fire in my heart for her, for helping me along my journey.

I dont do names in my posts.

But.

I will always thank you for all you ever done and will do.
Sophie.

My place.

I find this blog great for when I have a problem that

 I cant resolve, so I can write it down and then I 

don't think about it too much and

 it starts to become at ease within my head.

No more bad.

I was gonna write this depressing blog about when you lose something. 

But I've told myself to be happy and thats what I'm gonna do, I'm sick of that cloud I had hanging over my head. I don't want to be someone that is known for how negative they can be. 

From today forward no more of it. No more alcohol. No more crappy shitty food. No more bitching behind peoples backs. If I really make an effort with life and getting to know people, I will get the rewards from that. 

Today I started 100 happy days, which is said to boost your mood. Weirdly I am massively excited about the thought of every single day taking a photo of something that makes me happy!! 

It's all about thinking and eating positively, as soon as you do that you begin to become positive. 

I have one person to thank for this, she lectured me about my depressing moods. Frankly its one of the best talks I've had, because it really sunk in. 

Say Something Cover :)

Sometimes things get shit. Thats just how things are planed out. Things always have to get worse before they get better. 

Tiffany Robinsons Cover of Royals by Lorde.

Such a sop.

When I talk about my girlfriend I have to refrain from saying how I really feel for her, for fear that I may be called soft or look like a massive loved up sop. Today I am going to write, it will most likely be feel of similes and metaphors as I love writing with them, but yeah, it will show you all how I see and feel about my girlfriend. 

Hearing laugh is out of this world, and seeing her laugh is even better, her eyes completely light up and she just oozes this sense of ease and comfortableness. When she laughs I can never work out whether I am finding it sexy or cute but it just makes me smile. Especially when she finds something really funny, she has this different laugh that you don't hear unless its down right hilarious!! When she bites her lip it sends a ball of fire through my body, because her teeth coming on showing is amazing, they remind me of the glow in the dark stars you used to stick to your ceiling. When she just smiles that too is also amazing, it makes her dimples jump on to her face and show everyone that she's happy. It makes her look so much taller when she has a smile on her face, and it makes me fall completely in love with her. Her hair perfectly crafts her face no matter the colour it always suits her and whether its up or down, it will always look so nice.  Her voice just soothes my soul and wraps round every bone in my body stopping me from shaking uncontrollably. Even when she cries she has such elegance and its beautiful to watch, to understand her and know her is getting better each day and night. I have never met someone so caring for others she doesn't even talk to, constantly defending the weaker, never letting anyone to be bullied or shamed. She is constantly looking out for people, it doesn't bother her, it isn't a chore. She is just naturally a leader who won't be led astray by anyone. She has such strength and I don't mean just physically. She has got so much love in her. That I am so happy and glad to be receiving, from such a magnificent creature. 

I'm gonna stop before I get too carried away aha. 

Broadened by her.

They say you learn something new about yourself with every partner you're with. 

I guess with each partner you're with you find that you become stronger and stronger, you get over the heart breaks and over the disagreements you have. You know you no longer care in a relationship when you feel numb to everything they do. 

You can care about what someone does, but trust them enough not to do it. I am also a firm believer in trust is earnt so you can start a relationship with a new slate, and the trust gets bigger with the more you feel comfortable and the more they show you how comfortable there getting. Sometimes things happen and you think damn I don't trust them but then you realise you do. 

I learnt a lot from a few of my most previous relationships. A lot about myself but also a lot about different people circumstances I saw more when I was in relationships. 

I can sit here and say though, that my current relationship has made me realise things about myself, that I didn't think to be true, or i disregarded and ignored. I've really opened up to myself and slowly I'm opening up to her. 

She has made me really open my eyes and realise what is in front of me. I am so lucky with how I live in a world like today. I'm reasonably healthy, but in all I'm more healthy than not. I am 19 and already in my second year of university, I live in one of the most popular cities in the world. I have the biggest support system behind me, starting with my family!! I have friends, although sometimes I feel alone she has made me realise just how many I have got. Most of all though through her showing me how much I have got from other people it made me realise that her, she was a massive part of my life now. She has fully got my back, that sounds weird, saying yeah my gf has my back. Well of course she would thats kind of what she's there for. My gf really out does her self sometimes, and I can never full believe such a genuinely lovely girl like her can be with such a relationship klutz like me. 

I am lucky, so luck to have her. She's shown me so much in the way I feel about things, she has definitely also changed my opinion on certain things and I know look at life as a larger picture. 

I hope that I have done the same for her and have shown her things. 

I just wanna say thank you to my girlfriend for being truly fucking amazing. 

I love you.

me.

Why pick me when you can have anyone you want. 

Are you scared to lose me?

Does it scare you to think about losing her? 

Does it hurt to think of her with someone else? 

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to see her kissing another girl or guy? 

Does the thought of her calling another girl or guy baby destroy you? 

The thought of her cuddling and spooning someone else hurt your gut? 

Knowing she's having sex with someone else literally make you want to die?

That someone is getting her attention and your not? 

Do you ever just think about things like this, you see that person you are fully wrapped up in with someone else. They could be doing nothing but smiling, talking, laughing but knowing that it isn't you she does that with anymore, man its a horrid thought. Sometimes I sit and wonder if she ever has feelings like this about me, like does she sometimes think about maybe what the future holds for us, will she ever see me with another person and will it hurt her as much as it would hurt me. In my last relationship sometimes I felt I gave too much and I think we had a mutual agreement that we both loved each other equally. I do genuinely feel like the one in this relationship that loves more. 

This girl, who name I don't even need to mention if you know me, but yes this girl I am completely infatuated with she seems to just be there for all the time. I guess you could say emotional I've a train wreck recently and she's been here through it all. I want to say thank you and I did. 

But tonight something happened 'That someone is getting her attention and your not?' This was it, this is what happened, I watched her for about 15-20 minutes laugh and joke and smile around with some random guy giving him her attention and no one was gonna stop her. She has said sorry, and I have to forgive her, after all in technicality she did nothing wrong. I'm not going to sit here and lie but it hurt, it hurt to watch the girl you are completely in love with give her attention and time to some fucking guy that meant nothing. I sound pathetic, but sometimes I guess you put yourself out there to get hurt, and tonight was one of those nights. I don't think she will understand how tonight made me feel, but you can get a hint it was low. 

The worst part is this guy that meant nothing, that she only wanted drinks off, she gave him her number and he gave her his. I think thats what stung most, why would you give out your number to some guy you think is "ugly and disgusting, with a massive scar down his face." The worst is he rang her three times after that when we were at mine, clearly wondering where she had gone. How do I make her see that I won't be taken for a fool. I don't wanna be that person to be running out of the club nearly in tears. I don't wanna be that person again, I've done that before and yeah it hardened me up made me a tad wiser but it hurt like fuck in the meantime. I know she isn't like "her" so I need to stop putting them in a similar category but how I can I not when so much of what she does is much like "her." 

Im scared of losing her so I guess I'm a little funny about things. 

The only things going through my mind at the moment is does she feel the same for me. 

Is she as scared about losing me as I am her. 

Tonight I had never felt so alone even though she was laid up right next to me.