Ex's they often can leave a bitter taste on somebody's tongue, well most people really. Not myself I get on with my ex's I feel you hold a bond with someone and although the romanticised part and the sexual part has gone, you still told them everything and they did with you. I can't let go of that, I can't spend a lot of time with someone to then not want to talk to them any longer. It seems bizarre.
Sometimes I go as far to say I miss them, if I haven't seen them in a while I think oh, I want to chat to them. I often do get to chat to them and I think awh that was nice.
Tonight I sat here contemplating, trying to think back to a relationship I had when I was in my first year of university. I won't mention names, if people know me they will know who this is, but if not then never mind.
The reason I have thought back is because recently with relationships and girls I thought about how I always feel less loved, less wanted. Like I was the one that was chasing and trying to get there attention. I couldn't remember a time when the role was swapped and the boot was on the other foot.
First year, I was with one of my most serious relationships which ended really badly and I was quite distraught about it all, it took me long in lesbian world to get over her, but I did. I had my rebound, with which I think she probably hates me, but meh. Then I got a new girlfriend and it was back to me chasing and I had great times with her, it hurt when it ended and it felt like a lifetime trying to move on. Many tried it on with me but not many succeeded.
Now the reason I write this post is because I miss feeling like someone actual wants me. Now I'm not sure if I'm saying this because I haven't had it in so long, but I miss getting a text in the morning just to say "Good morning Beautiful, have a good day" or even something as small as "Morning! :)"
Just to let me know that when she woke up this morning she was thinking of me, that I was the very first thought on her mind.
Or how when Id go on my break she would ask if she could call me because she missed my voice, there was a point when it came too much and she started getting annoyed with my lack of response (not out of me being a bitch, but I had lessons and wasn't allowed to use my phone during class.)
She really did love me, she really cared. Something happened towards the end of the relationship that we never really got over, something I've never told anyone. Later on in life, I've found what we thought was evidence and truth wasn't and all that happened never needed to. It broke us apart.
It's not that I fell out of love with her, whilst I was with her, but I couldn't see her destroy her life anymore and it killed me each time she did, I couldn't be strong for her.
I'm not saying I'd go back but what I am saying is I regret some of the choices I made. I wish I was more of a friend to her than I said I was, that I was able to give her support over the last year. I feel mean for just abandoning her when maybe she needed me the most.
I don't know what I'm saying.
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