Just this time..

Just this time, I want to find myself able to not go down a spiralling staircase, causing havoc. 

Without the judgement of my peers or the disapproving looks from my relatives.

Just keep myself smiling, and away from that type of person I used to be.

Feelings.

You know when you start to talk to someone and you get that fire in your belly and that tingling across just every inch of your body. 

They wont leave your mind, and there perfume stays lingering around your clothes and nostrils for what feels like forever.

You can just see them in your mind smiling, there eyes lighting up and the way there hair sits.

You can still hear the echo of the laugh round your brain and it makes you happy.

You start to realise that you have a crush. 

Feelings.

When is the right time to tell someone, that they make you smile, laugh and they genuinely just make you happy. You enjoy there company and spending time with them.

You feel happy around them and you wanna spend all the time in the world with them. 

I recently had this feeling all over my body..

The rush of heat that would surround my body as soon as she'd walk in a room, the way that I could never take my eyes off her, I'd never directly look at her, but always in the corner of my vision there she was. 

Her eyes, were the key to her soul. You can look at them and just see so much depth. 

Well.. I did that stupid thing of telling her how I feel and now, yeah I ruined it. 

I still get every single feeling I felt before, but when you feel someone quite clearly backing away from you its hard not to get frustrated and annoyed with yourself. 

Fuck It.. 

No longer over thinking this shit, what happens, happens. Nothing I do or say will prevent from whatever is happening to happen.

This my life...

Hello,

It's been a long time, for that I can only apologise. I seem to only ever want to write when I am evaluating my life at the moment.

So here it is -

If anyone knows me personally that reads my blog they will know that I am currently on my second year of studying an acting course in London. It is amazing and I do really love it. I love acting it gives me such a thrill. Over the time of being here though I found that my passion for singing and music is kind of outgrowing the thrill of acting.
I would never and will never give up this course I am on. I am someone who likes to see things through, I'm not a quitter. Hell I used to be, let me do anything and I would quite within a matter of months, but not I pride myself on finishing things.

But because of my love for music and singing, I have come to realise that yes maybe that is what I actually want to do with my life, I couldn't care if I was sleeping in the back of a van touring up and down the UK, creating a small fan base, I'm not about making it big, and having thousand/millions of fans. For me a fan base as small as 50 people would keep me happy!! I just know that I one day do just want to play music for a living. It has taken me nearly two years to figure that out.

I also really want to travel and see the world!! I'm a firm believer of if you want to do something then do it!! There is no such thing as cant. In my eyes, if I can survive/live and travel in a first world country then I sure as well can do that in a third world country!!

So here is my plan.
1 - Finish my Acting Degree..
2 - Try out for some acting work (tv, cruise ships, theatre) and Get a full time job for 12-14 months..
3 - Travel the world for 10 months..
4 - Try and start myself up as a musician
5 - tour the UK..

So its not to amazing.. but for me right there, that little list of 6 things..
But the end of all this I should be 24, yeah I have no exact plan, and no where would be my home.
I just want to be free, this does however mean, selling lots of my things and always travelling lightly, I am a little materialistic and I would have to just let go of that attribute.. but this is really what I want.

Who IS she!! Where did you find her!?

The lines that made history in the big brother house in 2006 have been the same words going round my head tonight.

She!?
Her!?

You are probably wondering who I am talking of and what history or dislike do I have against them, your eyes are lighting up and you're thinking oh a juicy bit of gossip. Well sweethearts it's not going to be a rant from me about someone. So if that's what you're looking for then just wait for another post soon, i'm sure i'll end up ranting about someone.

SHE!?
HER!?

So the person under she and her is, well, me.

Who am I nowadays? have I changed, I think I have, lots of things have changed. Did I turn into a nasty person, something happened.

I not a mean person I don't think, I like to think I'm caring and sweet.

But sometimes when people do nothing but metaphorically shit on you, you tend to toughen up and not be such a nice person anymore. 

I wanna go back..

I used to religiously write on my blog everyday, sometimes even more than one a day. But over time I have written on it less and less. I am not entirely sure why, my blog helped me with a lot, it helped me vent my anger and talk about my problems without the worry of being judged, because if people didn't want to read it they didn't have to. I could write for hours, day, months even if I felt that passionate about something.

For a while I convinced myself I was no longer like that, I could no longer write a substantial amount, when about two or three days all I have thought about is writing.

I am going through a lot at the moment I say that like it is all me, but it's not. People around me are going through more I am just with them on the journey. But when your not the main person on that journey of discovery, it can put a lot of strain on yourself of fear that the other person might drop.

Now I wont name names or identify faces of who different people are that are going through things at the moment, I am not the sort of person to do it. I just wish I could give them some strength and some will power to just fight for themselves, and punch life in the face.

I have spoken about the other people who are going through stuff at the moment and not about me.

So now I will quickly give you the low down.
I have kidney problems, if I knew exactly what it was I'd tell you all but I don't know, neither do the doctors. Which is a little worrying that they haven't found a cause for my constant pain.
I am going in for a little day op soon to have a look see whats wrong, and if there is anything wrong they will make things right.

I swear to write on here more often, I have missed it.

I kept my sane.
Right now I feel like I'm at my last leg of something, I can feel my body becoming worn down.

Hmm..

I don't understand why your'e trying to wind me up.

Tell Me

Tell me that you want and need me.
It's all I want to hear.
Ive been waiting for it all night.
Don't blame my feelings.
I cant help how I feel now.
Just give me a second time.

It's the truth.

I cannot seem to do anything right at the moment. 

I'll just sit in my room then.

Wait, am I just one of those people that radiates don't invite me to do anything, because it happened an awful lot at home, I come to uni, and it happens again.. hmm. I wonder. 

It's fine she's female to.

I am female (if you hadn't already gathered) I live, breath, smell, eat, smile as a female.
With my short hair, polo's, jeans and Vans wearing female, I will always be female.
I think like a female, I laugh like a female, I love and hate just like any female.
I eat and drink like every single female.

Then why is it that females trouble my brain and leave me with a speech misunderstanding.
I will never figure the female mind out I say to myself, you'll never figure yourself out, what do I fully want.
I am always confused with my ambitions, troubles and intentions.
Who do I want to be, I always ask myself?
I'll never fully know because I just cannot figure out this female mind.

I cannot figure out my own mind so trying to figure out another female seems almost impossible!!
It is, yes I can admit with that with my hands up, the female mind will always leave me in a trance of a thousand words, a million laughs and endless amount of tears and smiles.

I could speak of them, to them and around them at all hours, with a light fragrance in the air and a slight eye twinkle in my glare.
I wish there was some sort of way I could read the female mind, to find out what you actually mean, theres so much you say but you say so very little.
Keeping what I want to know deep inside, and the things that don't matter out.

Why cant everything just be a little simpler, a chance to breath and a chance to understand.
I feel like I am in a boat that just keeps capsizing, having loss of air, and shocking chances, going dizzy from the constant tipping.
There are no hands to grab. Because no one knows the female mind. No one knows there mind, you discover something new about yourself everyday. You grow as a person and you accept the person you are, you don't accept the hand you have been given and you go out and fight for what you feel is right and true. With no one stopping you, not matter how badly they want to.

"If I could have one wish, 

then I would like to be able to read signals, 

signs, and the female minds."

- Tiffany Robinson 23/01/2013 01.04am

Weird sort of Love Note.

I've let myself start to have feelings for someone, I don't think I'll be able to get.

She lives not far from me, when I am in Eastbourne.

But with this whole Uni Malarki how do I tell them then say bye and move back to London, she would constantly be on my mind like she is now, like now I can talk to her and meet her and not worry about like just leaving.

London isn't far but its far for people to commute, I'm saying it like this would ever happen. 

I'm never sure if the feelings are mutual one minute I'm thinking yes then the next I'm adamant its a no. 

I can't sleep because I lay awake just pondering on things she said to me about the past the present and the future.

You leave my head in a trance.

P.s thats a good trance by the way.

You've Changed - Yep I have, for the better.

I'm finding each day is getting easier back in Eastbourne and although I do miss the busy old streets of London, like Dorothy says, "theres no place like home."

I found it kind of tough being back at first I felt like no one wanted to see me, like my stories had become boring and that nobody knew me anymore, I found myself not taking shit from people anymore. Like I had actually grown up. I'm not going to lie to you but I thought this whole go to uni and become a grown up was a myth, I didn't feel any different just a sense of not belonging in my friends lives anymore and I just wanted to get back to the bustle of London with my new friends and to redo the last three months of boozing getting to know each other and fun. 

I came back to the place I felt was my home and where I loved where all my best friends were. But the more I thought the more I become to realise, Eastbourne isn't my home, it's just somewhere I grew up. London felt like home now, when talking about it I would often refer to it as back home. This did sadden a few friends for the sheer thought that I no longer feel this is my place of ease anymore. I feel more at ease in Kingston than I have ever felt anywhere else.

Kingston I go out looking like crap or I can go out to town in a pair of jeans converse and a jumper and be fine, I come back to eastbourne and put on the full works for the act of trying to fit in. Why am I trying to fit in to a place full of rejects, failures and no ambition.. I certainly will never not have ambition. 

I am one of the few out of my friends to actually come to university, when I was younger I watched my cousins go off and get there degrees not understanding the amount of work, effort and courage that they had for it. I now appreciate even the slight things my family, friends, teachers etc have ever done for me. 

Understanding it really is the little things in life that can make someone happiest, just telling someone you love them or miss them can bring a smile to anyone face, to know that there is someone in the world who needs them, it makes someone feel appreciated and most importantly wanted… everyone wants to be wanted no matter what they say. 

I don't even know the point of what I'm writing today. 

But I felt like writing!! 

LOVE. 

Hate.

I hate putting on weight more than anything, like most girls.

But yet I still do it, make it stop.

I'm not even over eating.
hmph.

Insomnia.

Fuck Off.

Say it...

I

1

2

4

Q

mature content. ;)

HARD.

I'd like to flick you in the face.

It's a Simple thing.

So I recently wrote a song for my friend, because she really does mean a lot to me, more than anyone thinks, literally without hesitation would jump in front of a gun for this girl. She has trouble with guys, like most girls, but being such a nice gorgeous girl I don't understand why guys treat her the way they do. She generally is like family to me, without her in my life my life would be infinitely simpler and boring, she brings an excitement and giggle to my days!!

Since being at university its made me appreciate my friends and family back home and just how much everyone did for me that I took for granted.

I've grown up a lot already since being here, and learnt mass amounts about everything, acting, singing, dancing, music, transport, reading people, imagination, films, tv programmes and most importantly myself.

My leading motto in life at the moment, since living in London would be "Just Jump" or "What's the worse that could happen" If you life like this, you'll find yourself taking more risks. Extra hours work, job offers, extra plays etc... If you just go for things "Jumping" you'll benefit yourself in the long run.

Since being here though I have a found I am a lot more in touch and closer to my emotional side, I havent cried so much ever!! So today I listened to an old song I used to listen to all the time back in Summer 2011 -

This song pretty much got me through everything, I didn't think I had a song with this sort of connection, all I have to do is listen to it, and it will either bring a tear to me or a smile.

It makes me think of all the fun times I had and all the giggles, and makes me think.
I wish I could go back... not to that moment in time, because the past is the past.
But
In a sense kind of go back, I want that naivety back and that look on the world that it isn't too cruel, no one can touch me im invincible, my confidence shining bright, my passion still alight.

With so much behind me already, but a thrive to carry on and find the future  let the wind take me in the soft breeze and flutter around like a leaf in spring.

Listening to this song just brings back a range of emotions that I can unleash, it makes me chill and just be filled with the warmth and laughter that, I am a luck girl.
I have my health, I am at University, I live in London, Family that are alive and well, Friends that I love, and I do something I love everyday.

Counting myself one of the fortunate ones of life.
No matter what your deception on my life is think its good or bad or neither nor.
Think what you want to, no one can tell me different.
Well you can.
But, I just wont listen.
Over
&
Out.

But why?

Just want you back in my life...

No name.

This blog post has no name. nothing significant nothing spectacular  Just a simple no name. But now you're wondering or you're putting a name to it.

This post should have a name either of a person or a place or even a post. 

Its name is no name.

Im in one of those moods where I want people to know something without me having to tell them.

If you figure this all out, Ill give you something genuinely close to my heart.

Only at Uni.

I've never appreciated my friends this much in my life.

New Friends -New Beginnings

New Beginnings - New Starts

New Starts - New People

New People - New Places

New Places - New Times

New Times - New Faces

New Faces - Old Memories.

Its not until you're abruptly taken from your surroundings, your smells, your family and friend.. the things in life you lived with for how many years. The way every week you'd spend a certain amount of time sitting and laughing not being scared, because your comfortable where you are, you know the people, the places, the prices even the times. 

You get pushed into a world of mayhem. Moving. Packing. Unpacking. Stressing. Organising  Setting Up. Waving Bye. Sleeping. Not sleeping. Nervousness. Drinking. Drinking. More Drinking. Meeting. Laughing. Uni. Work. Lateness. Early Mornings. No Sleep. No Food. No Drink. Stress. Assessments. 

OVERLOAD
breakdown.

Then, that one smile or voice that makes you look up wipe the tear from your eye and stand.
The one person who pulls the confidence from inside and brings it back out.

I'll always have you.

When you think you're on the verge of a meltdown they step out and bring you up.



NOW I appreciate you!!

I'll never forget that Smelly Eastbourne Lot!! ;)