Am I easy to read..

I thought I was someone who at first was easy to read but then as time went on got harder to read. Which then made girls attracted to me because they couldn't read me. I like being an unreadable person, where people don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. Sometimes yeah I like being readable it makes times easier.

My girlfriend, seems to manage to read everything, even to the point when she turned round a couple of weeks ago and said the words 'I've missed you' which would sound normal if i didn't see her everyday, so i said 'but I'm here' and then said 'yeah but i mean you've not been you, you've been sad.' So we continued to talk about it for a little while, and she said she knew i was down but didn't want to be asking me all the time what was wrong, which for made me feel so weird. She know's when I'm going to cry and whenever I am in certain moods.

The only other person that can read me like this is my mother, who turnt to me and uttered the words you're gonna cry in a minute, how did she know that everything instead of me was tearing down and failing. I said no I'm fine, I'm not gonna cry and I didn't. I've put up a barrier to my mum, I didn't want her to see me down anymore, because it hurts her to see me down. I can't see her crumble, I need to be stronger and stop feeling so shit about anything, sometimes I'm too sensitive to what people do and say. 

Stopppppp.

How do you stop yourself from making the wrong actions, why do I keep looking back on the last few days and regretting all of my choices.

I feel I don't give my girlfriend enough justice, I talk about how I feel for her and etc but I never explain what she's like and how she's this fucking amazing.

It's no lie I can be such an annoying lil prick sometimes, I even annoy myself at times, so when you're close to someone you annoy them most, and sometimes I can see on her face that, that day isn't the day for me to be annoying. I see that and yet I do it anyway, and she still loves me for it no more no less.

Sometimes I can just be a downright miserable little bitch, and she has to put up with it, which isn't fair.. why is it her fault that I'm being a grump. I snap like a mother fucker and just say things that I don't even think about if they might hurt her feelings. I'm just being stubborn and pissed off. When I think about it now, I'm like no thats not being pissed off or stubborn that being plain rude and stupid. I wanna go back and say don't be an arse or you'll lose one of the best things that has ever happened to you.

Never did I think this girl laid in bed next to me right now would be here by my side, making sure that my drunken ass self doesn't get in trouble or is drinking water after being sick. She's here with everything she has, pushing over that half way mark to grab me.

I have this tendency for when things start to get a bit more serious to push, for some reason my self conscious mind doesn't like me to be happy so I push people away, my heart is literally screaming at me for doing it, as I don't think I could go through not being next to her. But there this thing in my body that just tells me over and over 'she'd be happier without you, you should let her go.'

It's fucking hard to sometimes feel that, that I shout at her and tell her to leave. My whole body wanting her to stay and cuddle me and tell me everything will be okay.
I don't wanna be mean to her, and I don't wanna hurt her, but this thing in my body is really starting to take control of all my actions in life, and its sabotaging everything for me, pushing away friends and family. Even her.