First draft - Poor Girl

I used to use your name as a way to curse, 

so i could ease the pain so it wouldn't hurt

I never realised what you meant to me

until I did silly things, and we let it be

Talking out my problems to everyone with ears

wiping off my makeup with instant regret and beers

knocking back vodka tequila and rum

until i couldn't see and my body was all numb

Wake up and fix me please,
pull this poor girl up off her knees
wake up and fix me please,
for i dont know where my home is

I'd get weak one day and text you on your phone

hoping you'd feel the same and that i was not alone.

it was selfish and i should not of done it

i wanted to hear i miss you even just a little bit

Talking out my problems to everyone with ears

wiping off my makeup with instant regret and beers

knocking back vodka tequila and rum

until i couldn't see and my body was all numb

Wake up and fix me please,
pull this poor girl up off her knees
wake up and fix me please,
for i dont know where my home is

You were the lyrics to my favourite song

the melody I'd hum to all night long

from morning thorough to night

when the rhythm was far from sight 

I'd look up to the sky

and wonder why

Talking out my problems to everyone with ears

wiping all my makeup with instant regret and beers

knocking back vodka tequila and rum

until i couldn't see and my body was all numb

Wake up and fix me please,
pull this poor girl up off her knees
wake up and fix me please,
for i dont know where my home is

6 capo
F
C
G
Am

What is, the best for you and me?
Will it end now or will we live happily
Choices we find ourselves making
Life going in different directions, which roads are we takiny
I found it hard to say goodbye tonight. My phone died which I hated but probably for the best.
When you have someone consistently in your life most days for the last three years. How do you tell yourself to not immediately want to text them, ask them how they are or even to say hey. Just to speak to her that day!
I guess we will know one day in the future wether this is the right choice. Right now feels right.

However I did think tonight, what if? What if you’re the one that gets away, what if i never find someone who I love as much I do you. Will I constantly try and fill a void or will I just learn early on just to avoid. You don’t need someone to be happy, but I’ve always had the dream of one day settling down, with a wife.
Will I bump into 20 years from now, hand in hand with your wife, will it still sort of break my heart that, that could of been me. How do I tell my 23 year old self now that I can deal with that. Will in time I just get used to it.

Will this change things between us forever, will we ever cross paths again apart from a big parties or meetings. If we stay in different circles it all changes. Will in 2/3 years time we both arriving at the same party with somebody new, will I look at her like i look at you. Will her smile and laugh cause my belly to erupt.

I don’t want to move on, I’m ready for me. But how ready can one be, when she moves on from me. I’m scared to watch her smile and laugh causes by someone who loves her like I do.
It’s weird I sort of feel numb, we’ve not argued and there were jokes thrown, she’s the one I love that will never be forgotten.

There for me will always be a spark, I’ll be sat at her wedding, either waiting for her to arrive at the end of the aisle or sat down watching. Either way the moment she says I do, I’ll think I love you.

Someone will come along and sweep her off her feet, treat her like the true beauty she is. Make her laugh and speak to her intellucatly. Make her feel safe and accept her. If I had my chance again, I wouldn’t sit back, I’d take it with both hands and pull her to me. Give her space and listen, waylay does she want and what does she need, not her slave but her wife to be, not under her thumb, but together with love.

Not right now is the right time and place, we need this to find ourselves. Who am I and who are you? Who am I when I’m not with you.

I love you x

Where are you going?

I never sit and look back at the choices I've made and reflect.
This year I'm trying to do that, trying to figure what it is in my head I want. Quite frankly I don't know what it is that I want, everyone has mixed feelings about what I should do.
It is anyones choice but mine, I cant let myself be swayed by what people think and say.
Go with your head and your heart combined.

This year is already bring enough crazy and many turns and twists.
The end of the day you have to be an adult about your life choices and stick with what you're doing.
Except I don't know what I'm doing, I feel like I'm just aimlessly walking through life, not really choosing a path, just letting my feet guide me.

I could never estimate or predict that this is where I would be this time last year.
It's crazy someone asked me the question just a few days ago about where I want to be in 3/4 years, and I mentioned that I want to be with the one.

I don't want anymore crazy flings or quick hookups, I want to care for someone. For them to be my all within love. However I don't feel like I would be like this if I didn't have so many around me who are settling down, enjoying the quiet moments with someone they cherish.

I say I want to be with the one, but I don't know who that is. I have my thoughts about who I want to be, I could see myself building a life with her, having take out food, watching TV on a Sunday.
My heart is sort of weirdly happily aching at the moment.

I feel like I'm in a great place, I'm happy, content with life. I've started working a lot, I have plans most of days for the next two/three weeks. I actually have started using my diary for meeting friends, and dinner/drinks with people I adore.

Where on earth am I going, aimlessly walking, but please let it be in the right direction. 

Loved me.

The first time you told me you loved me you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted. 

The second time you told me you loved me you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted.

The third, the fourth, and hundreds more. 

All the same. 

you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted,

ear to ear with a cheesy grin.

It felt right, a perfect match of the darkness inside mixed with the outside light. 

But I didn't feel it inside my body, I thought that was just me.

Making problems out of situations that no one else can see.

"Tell me how much I mean to you" 

"How do I make you happy" 

Fishing for compliments, treating you like you were a living document of my accomplishments.

Put you on a pedestal, like you weren't accessible, respectable or even homosexual. 

You used to say, stop asking.

let me just say when I want.

When all I ever wanted was to be needed, like I succeed, in making someone dependable. 

On me. 

The last time you told me you loved me.

you had a smile. 

a slight smirk, as we both felt that hurt. 

of tears running down our face and the tightening of our throats. 

I know it was hard and I didn't get it at first. 

I had outbursts using your name as a way to curse.

but by the way,

I get it now. 

Paradise.

I haven't really stayed up to date with my blog whilst on the ship so instead I have a video.
I left over a month ago, but here finally is the video.

PARADISE <3

Scary Cruise Antics.

Im on a cruise at halloween!
What the heck is my life!!

It is crazy busy on here, but my oh my do I love it!
Judged a costume party and then us crew had a huge party where I got far too intoxicated!
I loved every single bloody moment of it.
I just wish she was here with me, partying the night away, and the cuddling with me in bed afterwards.

Aleida and I. 

Jimmy and I.

Just, breathe.

Just, breathe. *sound of breath in and out*
Just, breathe. *sound of breath in and out*
Fresh air, the chemical that fills our lungs and makes us alive.
Our first breath.
Our final gasp.
The passing of muttering between two people all from the air we breathe.

Sometimes it can feel like your suffocating in the air that pollutes our lungs.
From smoking or even the fumes from passing cars as we lay our heads each night.

We breathe the same air and live completely different lives,
you look at us and just pass by.

Yet I deserve no less air than you, my lungs aren't as healthy, my life not as great.
I am happy, you think you see sadness in my eyes, but I see nothing but joy in my life.

He shows me love, and how beautiful the word is, he tells me to breath and really enjoy the smell of the world.

Show me you're alive when your chest rises up and down and up and down, so cold that I see every exhale of air.

In through the nose and out through the mouth,
*sound of breath in and out*

The sweet smell of the air by a river or the sea, the slight saltiness on your lips, as you intake the cold sharp breath.

Make every breath calm, close your eyes and imagine the world a simple place where everything goes back to when you were a baby again.

The stale short breathes, increase the heart rate, it makes you see rage. The passion in someones eyes when they speak and gasp for air to complete there next sentence.

Just take time with each every sip of air you get.

Just, breathe *sound of breath in and out*

Truly Disconnect.

To truly disconnect with this, I have to truly say how I feel. 

I love you. 

Do with that how you feel. 

But it needs to be said. 

I'd do anything for you.

I'll never come back.

"It's my last night tonight, and I wanna see you before I go back"
"Oops only just seen this and its too late now"
"No tiff, I'm busy tonight"
"Sorry, I dont feel well"
"I'm chilling at mine"
"You live so far"
"Working"
"CBA"

Right. Haha.

Thank you to all of my friends in Eastbourne for really trying with me this year, no really honestly its nice to see you all care. I mean its nice to know you've really tried to make an effort with seeing me. I mean its not like I come back that often right, but don't worry you'll "Make sure you see me next time I'm down" funny you say that I think I've heard that exact line leave your mouth about eight or nine times, but this times different right? right? right.

I came back home to escape get away from the crazy life in London, chill out see my family see my friends, just spend some time catching up, being surrounded by those I love.

I hate it here, I hate coming back, and each time I don't come home for a while I start to miss it, I forget why I hate it so much. Then I get back and am here barely two days and remember why.

So for me these last couples of days have been bollocks. Christmas Eve was great, I got drunk, it was nice. I danced and drank. Then I walked home and thought about someone the whole way home, I couldn't wait to get back and just message her telling her everything that I felt. God I hope she doesn't think I'm weird I thought, no I'm being open and honest, something that I find hard. Tell her your falling for her, just do it I said to myself over and over.

I did it.
I told her.

Did she like it, I think she did yeah. She said it was nice to wake up on christmas and read that, I went through the whole day thinking maybe just maybe she will say something. It didn't happen, its fine I did it when I was drunk maybe she will. She didn't. She's with her family spending time with them, stop being a paranoid fool!

Christmas I was a little hungover but the day was great I got a new guitar and just wanted to play it all day, and I did. I barely sat downstairs because I just playing it all day!

Boxing Day, I did the same I barely saw my parents just played my guitar all day in my room, didn't eat anything until about 9pm at night when my mum came back from the neighbours party and told me to eat.

Today - My last day in eastbourne until (well depending on gigs and stuff) I finish uni. I got up early got ready and had a recording session it was fun, I had an interview and it was nice to be chatting to some people. Then I came home and spent a lot of the night on my laptop refreshing tumblr, over and over and over. Then I did sit with my parents and I watched a film, I say I because they rarely got off there phones, mind you I then brought my laptop down and sat on that as well as watching a film.

I wanted to see someone tonight, I wanted to chat.

I hate coming back because it makes me realise how lonely I am, how I don't have anyone to talk to. When I came up to bed and sat crying I didn't know who to message, so I messaged you and you seemed unresponsive and tonight that was the last thing I needed, I needed someone to actually speak back feel like they care about my conversation. So because of this I did that thing were I over analyse and I can feel myself trying to irritate and annoy you so you'll run as far from me as you can.

You know you're lonely when instead of sitting and chatting with another human being you write it on your blog.

I need a break from society and everyone around me.
I cant wait to go back to my place in London tomorrow with no wifi and be unconnected from the world.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

Ex's they often can leave a bitter taste on somebody's tongue, well most people really. Not myself I get on with my ex's I feel you hold a bond with someone and although the romanticised part and the sexual part has gone, you still told them everything and they did with you. I can't let go of that, I can't spend a lot of time with someone to then not want to talk to them any longer. It seems bizarre.

Sometimes I go as far to say I miss them, if I haven't seen them in a while I think oh, I want to chat to them. I often do get to chat to them and I think awh that was nice. 

Tonight I sat here contemplating, trying to think back to a relationship I had when I was in my first year of university. I won't mention names, if people know me they will know who this is, but if not then never mind. 

The reason I have thought back is because recently with relationships and girls I thought about how I always feel less loved, less wanted. Like I was the one that was chasing and trying to get there attention. I couldn't remember a time when the role was swapped and the boot was on the other foot. 

First year, I was with one of my most serious relationships which ended really badly and I was quite distraught about it all, it took me long in lesbian world to get over her, but I did. I had my rebound, with which I think she probably hates me, but meh. Then I got a new girlfriend and it was back to me chasing and I had great times with her, it hurt when it ended and it felt like a lifetime trying to move on. Many tried it on with me but not many succeeded. 

Now the reason I write this post is because I miss feeling like someone actual wants me. Now I'm not sure if I'm saying this because I haven't had it in so long, but I miss getting a text in the morning just to say "Good morning Beautiful, have a good day" or even something as small as "Morning! :)" 

Just to let me know that when she woke up this morning she was thinking of me, that I was the very first thought on her mind. 

Or how when Id go on my break she would ask if she could call me because she missed my voice, there was a point when it came too much and she started getting annoyed with my lack of response (not out of me being a bitch, but I had lessons and wasn't allowed to use my phone during class.) 

She really did love me, she really cared. Something happened towards the end of the relationship that we never really got over, something I've never told anyone. Later on in life, I've found what we thought was evidence and truth wasn't and all that happened never needed to. It broke us apart. 

It's not that I fell out of love with her, whilst I was with her, but I couldn't see her destroy her life anymore and it killed me each time she did, I couldn't be strong for her. 

I'm not saying I'd go back but what I am saying is I regret some of the choices I made. I wish I was more of a friend to her than I said I was, that I was able to give her support over the last year. I feel mean for just abandoning her when maybe she needed me the most. 

I don't know what I'm saying. 

Snowflakes.

Snowflakes fall when the weather is cold. Sat round with you're loved ones. With a fire and hot drinks. They fall from high above, and gracefully touch the ground, when eventually they fill the roads, tops of houses, trees. Its peaceful and its beauty is quite captivating. We make snowballs and fight, we make huge snowmen, we go home and put our clothes on the radiators, and we snuggle up a thick blanket sometimes with a hot water bottle. 

Each snowflake different, no two flakes the same, beautifully carved into something spectacular. 

People are like snowflakes, each one beautifully created, carved to ones character. 

People fall like snowflakes. 

The falling is beautiful, its from high above. It fills your entire body. It's warm. You flirt and you fuck. You make huge ideas together. 

Each love different, no two loves the same, beautiful carved into something memorable. 

I guess you can find me writing about falling, I say that lightly. I get scared that maybe she will read this and be confused by my writing, that suddenly she might think that I think I'm going to marry her.

It's not like that, but I am acquiring feelings. I am kind of a little bit falling for this girl. It's weird I'm not sure if she's there to catch me, by her actions I'd say yes, but by her words no.

I don't care. I am not entirely sure why this feeling is here but it is. I don't care if she's not catching me. Of course I obviously want her too, but I understand if she doesn't. I won't be annoyed or awkward if she hasn't and won't be. 

She makes my whole body completely at ease, but completely on edge. 

The juxtaposition of the situation has my mind completely on fire. 

I want to grab her and just shake her and say 

You are beautiful, funny, sexy, cute. I see the doubt in yourself in your eyes, and yes you said don't try analyse because I'll hurt my mind, But I do. It's who I am.

- I got butterflies again - 

We all want to be wanted.

Who doesn't want to be loved. Who doesn't want to be held and be told those three words. Who doesn't want to feel like the only special person.

I always thought I could go through some of my life not worrying about liking someone, concentrated on myself. I've often told people close to me that now is time for me, where I concentrate on my music. Yet her I am again. I just can't seem to help myself, I don't feel content unless I'm lusting/crushing over someone. 

I've tried to push that habit as it tends to be quite bad, as a lot of the time the feelings I seem to have are more than often unrequited. When the feelings are mutual it flies, and you find yourself in just an uproar of emotion. 

I thought I'd managed to kick that feeling this summer, when I was trying to heal and get over an ex, I didn't really like fully like anyone I had little crushes but not to the point where I wanted to hang out with them all the time. Even sex, I couldn't even think about having sex with them once let alone a few times. It was hard, I had no sex drive, I just wanted to get to know people, no one really hurt my feelings, but it was nice. I didn't sit there talking about a girl I was dating, or wonder why she hadn't message back all day. I was content

But yet,

this bizarre feeling is back, I started to appreciate and realise someone that I wanted to spend a majority of my time with. Without sounding like I'm putting everything out there, I do like her. She's funny, beautiful and I really like spending time with her. I'm not saying weehey lets just jump into a relationship or even seeing each other, but I kind of want to know where I stand. 

It has my mind completely complexed and I find my thoughts often drifting to her. She is the first thing I think about when I wake and the very last thing I think about before I sleep. 

What the frustrating part is I can't work her out, this doesn't happen at all often to me. I am normally very very good at reading what someone wants from me, whether that be friends wanting favours, or people trying to be more than friends. With her though it is very different, I don't understand if she is just having fun hanging out and etc. Or she likes me, like I said I don't mean like ready to jump into a relationship. Like is she playing hard to get!?

The worst and most annoying part is when I can't figure it out and sort of smoothness I have goes out the window, because I then tend to irritate them by constantly trying to see them so I can work out whether they do like me, and I just message all the time.

My head is bamboozled!!

I just wanna know if she feels something, or If I made this all up in my head. 

However, saying all this.. I've tried all week, so I'm stopping. 

I will now leave her alone, and let her have peace. 

So that way I then know if she doesn't contact that she doesn't feel anything.  

Thankfully my mum is coming to see me tomorrow until saturday evening, so it will take my mind off all this. 

Whats your perfect partner?

After a conversation with a close friend of mine about our epitomes of the perfect girl that we could possibly end up, it had me thinking. Thinking about life and who I actually will end up with.

Those questions must go round peoples heads a reasonable amount right? Do I know the person I'm going to marry? Are we friends? God forbid do I currently hate them? Will they be good, will we have a successful happy relationship? or will they fuck me over!?

Then I also think about if it is people I know, I start to fantasise and imagine what my life would be like if I was to end up with someone I already know. An ex is most likely out the picture, I rarely go back and If I were to there would have to be mega deep feeling to even think of that. However someone recently said to me that they think a second chance on relationships when people are older work much better because you're more mature, but hmm I'm still undecided about that.

But what about someone I know who I've never dated, we have no history, which can be both good and bad.

I don't know fate can do weird things to people, it has me a little petrified by the idea of ending up with someone I already know, I mean I've done some stupid things in my life, it means they will be in my life forever and they will remember things like that. I also will remember about them, but sometimes it makes me want to reevaluate my life and make some better choices.

But hey where would I be now if I hadn't made the certain choices that I did?

I've hit that point in my life again, where I look at myself and I can't be happy. I think my problem is I get with such gorgeous girls, that I spend so much time looking and admiring them, that when it comes to looking at myself in the mirror, i see the uneasiness of my smile, or the forever raised eyebrow.

So here I declare that I starting eating right again, its cheaper to eat as a student so them 20p pizzas and 10p noodles, will be eaten no longer. It actually means no alcohol and sticking by it, I love a drink and I actually like the feeling of being drunk and hangover don't actually bother me that much.

But I need to actually take my life quite seriously now, I know as a person Im not very sellable, I dress quite messy and I eat way too much than I should. I kind of always accepted and thought this is just me. Being healthy doesn't mean you cant eat nice things, its just all within consideration. Hell being healthy is about the fruit and the veg, and I love so much fruit, that I don't know why i don't eat it more. 

Reasoning.

I am someone that believes there is a reason behind everything.
So there is a reason you didn't get the certain grade you wanted,
there is a reason you and someone didn't work out,
and even a reason of why someone dies.

It's hard to think like that, that in the very moment, when you feel crushed, let down and upset. That there is a reason as to why its happened. Hell I am someone who will preach that saying yet when it comes to moments when someone is taken from you, I cant imagine why that would be.

The older I become, the more life I see, and the more people I say my goodbyes to, makes me realise how much I live on that saying. Fate is Fate, if things are supposed to happen then they will, it might not be the right time, but if doesn't happen there is a reason for it. You may not see it then, but eventually you will.

I am someone that tries to take as much inspiration out of a sticky situation or and awkward moment. I try and relish in that feeling, and annoyingly for myself I bathe in it and relive that horrible put in my stomach or that sense on uneasiness.

I write songs, so all those moments that I capture and try and relive I express great in lyrics, sometimes my lyrics never see the light of the day, either I cant find a tune to go with them. But when I write its the truth, I just write out in essays and hope that I come up with something out of all the mess I write.

People often ask me where the ideas to write come from, you have to so much of your personal life (well I do.) I always find myself get a little hurt when someone does like a song, not for the sound of it or my voice, but the words. Because for me that is my soul that they say they don't agree with, and its hard to hear.

But it is beyond amazing when someone turns to you and say "I know exactly that feeling." It's something quite powerful, that can honestly (not even being dramatic about this) bring me to slight tears. That feeling that those emotions that you have to relive each time you start writing or each time you sing a certain song, that they touched someone, they were the exact feelings someone else has felt, and they connect with you over that.

It truly is something.

There's a reason I write songs about certain things, because some of the emotions I have inside are so raw and real that it just links with everyone. 

Upfront much!!

Sometimes I wish people were more upfront about things.
Just tell me what you feel. Say I fucking hate you and think you're arrogant prick if that's what you think then release yourself from having to watch your mouth.
If you want to tell someone that there amazing then just tell them.
Why are we all so scared about it, I can understand some could lead to confrontation but if we never took risks then where would we be!?
Starting tomorrow I'm just doing I'm gonna be damn down upfront with people.
So unless you don't want my full opinion of you tomorrow, then don't come near me! 

Get to know your blogger. #1

Hello, my name is Tiffany Patricia Robinson. I have just recently turned 20 (24th July if you wondered.) I am only 5'3 with far too many curves for my liking, but I won't complain too much as I got gifted with boobs. I have short hair in the style of a bob, and its brown although its gone lighter in the summer months. I have tan lines, and am starting to go brown. I broke my straighteners and since then have cried everyday (kidding.) I am single. I have one/two sisters called Kerrianne (Cheryl, I don't really count her) and a brother called Charlie. My parents both Susan and Terry are still together and I come from a reasonable small town called Eastbourne, which has the semi-famous name of 'God's waiting room'.
I recently finished my second year of studying BA Hons Acting for Stage and Media at university, and am getting ready to go into my final year. I am currently residing at my parents house again but get to move into my new place on the August 5th, where I shall be living in a studio/bedsit with shared toilet facilities.
I am a overly keen music fan and some of my favourite songs come from adverts, like the Kodak one. I also sing all the time, all day, everyday. It's a skill that I work on everyday in order for me to the best I can be, pushing boundaries!
I love the smell of herbal essence on my hair, it just smells so lush. I spend far too much of my time barely in anything in my garden of in the bath.
I've started watching scrubs from the first season and I'm not in the slightest regretting it.
I believe people come in and out of your life the whole time and everything happens for a reason, you might not see it straight away but theres something!! 

Delving into something

I started to write a post tonight about heartbreak, I got half way through when I realised it was too much. Too much of me, I was delving far too much into my personal experiences and although I feel whoever reads this blog may know me, there will always be sides you have to hide, in order to stay sane...

Does it hurt?

How does it feel? Ask yourself?
You're probably wondering what on earth I'm on about, and I'm not going to tell you?
Think in your head and wonder what this post could be about.

The gut ache that you have that seems to progress round your body it takes the complete life and soul out of you. You sit and you watch, just waiting to get more angry so you can feel pain a little bit more.
Does that pain end up being nice and quite soothing, because you keep pushing that knife in and watching.

Take a step back from the media, put your phone down, shut your laptop. You can surf the net all day and try and take your body and mind away from it, but that underlining pain is still there.

Does it hurt now, can you feel it, twisting in your gut.
Good.

If you cant then well done, you deserve a medal, you twisted prick. 

Tanned Body Parts.

You know what its like, you wake up and the sun is immediately shining in through the gaps in your blinds or peaks round a part of your curtain. You jump out of bed, get ready as quickly as you can, and you head for the nearest patch of grass or beach in sight! You smoother yourself in some sort of ointment, whether that be cream or oil. You just lay for hours and hours hoping that you'll be kissed.

This has literally become my life for the last week or so! So you can bet I was happy when I could start to see my shade of white going off colour.
I've been sat all week for a couple of hours working on my tan.
My tan was really starting to come along nicely, my tan lines where growing more obvious and more people started to comment about my summer glow. Which was great, sometimes I had to hint at them and even flash my white bits at a few. Nevertheless a lot of people were saying it.

So yesterday I had a meeting in my garden all day, it was brilliant the sun was shining but I thought you know normally I put heaps of baby oil on so that the sun will kiss me. So I didn't put anything on, just had a top and some shorts. Anyway by the end of the meeting I was a complete sweat, and my arms were hurting a little... I thought I'd just go in change my top and come back out for a bit.
I took of my top put on my vest top looked in the mirror and there it was, two massive lines where the top had been, with brown forearms and slightly off white top arm.

I was god dam devastated!!

So here I am today covered in ban oil hoping it goes away!!