Loved me.

The first time you told me you loved me you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted. 

The second time you told me you loved me you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted.

The third, the fourth, and hundreds more. 

All the same. 

you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted,

ear to ear with a cheesy grin.

It felt right, a perfect match of the darkness inside mixed with the outside light. 

But I didn't feel it inside my body, I thought that was just me.

Making problems out of situations that no one else can see.

"Tell me how much I mean to you" 

"How do I make you happy" 

Fishing for compliments, treating you like you were a living document of my accomplishments.

Put you on a pedestal, like you weren't accessible, respectable or even homosexual. 

You used to say, stop asking.

let me just say when I want.

When all I ever wanted was to be needed, like I succeed, in making someone dependable. 

On me. 

The last time you told me you loved me.

you had a smile. 

a slight smirk, as we both felt that hurt. 

of tears running down our face and the tightening of our throats. 

I know it was hard and I didn't get it at first. 

I had outbursts using your name as a way to curse.

but by the way,

I get it now.