Breath of fresh air.

Its been a long time, maybe too long.

You know when you step outside, its been sunny all day and its getting to that dimmed daytime, the air is lingering around your nostrils, the smell of freshly cut grass still hoovering the thick air, the soft breeze brushing your hair around, the steady beat of your feet as they hit the ground and the quite hum of cars as they roar past.

I haven't had this kind expression in a long time, the spark of what makes my day. The little things some say. 

This feeling is my second favorite feeling (my first being the buzz before during and just after a show!! Wow!!)

Today I stepped outside my house, a smile hit my face as soon as I came out. I clicked the door behind me and of I went. I cherished every moment of that walk, normally I cross my arms with my hood scarf hat tracksuit bottoms, today I wear jeans and a tshirt. Simple. 

Letting the fresh air hit my face, taken deep breathes. The red sky was beautiful, walking all the way to it. There never ending journey to the end of the rainbow it seemed. 

This last hour im cherishing to what seem to me as being an amazing weekend. I got to see some family some friends and just laughed to much!!

I cherish every single person in my life.

There are so many users out there and trust me even now Im still finding them, but its good to finally find the friends!! 

Love you all, have a good sleep and week <3

Call me what you will, naive being the biggest one of them. 

You'll understand why briefly.

On recent events a number of something of the same subject has come up (books, films, tv programmes, youtube links, plays, conversation.) 

Over ten years later, and I finally fully understand how devastating it actually was, proving my innocence of such cruel things in the world and how naive I was.

I recently got cast in a play so Ive been reading over this play to get the grasp of it all, the play has lots of youtube links in it that I thought for me would be a good idea to search and watch which within minutes of watching one, I was in shock. My face frozen to the same expression for the next hour or two, as I kept watching more and more and more.

On this, I wanted to do anything but go on to a subject about that. 

I somehow found myself on amazon looking at books (because I like to read!!) and I was doing the whole (Look Now ->) I was reading the first chapter of this book, It has me completely in grossed, within minutes of finishing the tester I bought it!! I couldn't wait for it to arrive, I completely neglected every piece of work I had to do when it arrived my main priority was to see what happens in the end.

Funnily enough the book was of the same subject as my play and the videos, I found this quite odd how I picked a book that I thought had one them instead had two which linked.

When I finished the book I went flicking through channels when I cam to a film that I'd not seen before, whilst watching it seemed the theme from the play book and youtube was in this film.

The next trailer was about this recurring theme. 

I found myself suddenly being involved in conversations about it.

My perception of what had happened had been changed I felt a lot more understanding about.

9/11

One of the biggest global pieces of history and it took me ten years to figure out completely what it means.

Wow!!

It is just remarkable my interpretation of the events had been twisted upside down.

The book - 98 Hours

Play - Decade

Youtube - just search 9/11

Film - Remember me

Advert film trailer - cannot remember.

The realization of what you like.

My main reason for writing this post is about you guys and to you.

I've slowly begun to realize that the posts that get most read are ones about interpretation my main opinion and it makes my mind simply go crazy to think you guys like reading this. The reason I love this idea is because Interpretation is my favorite kind of topic to write about, because I find im quite an opinionated person, who doesn't always get to share with all of you such opinions.

Im going to be writing a short piece about interpretation next, hope you guys like it and if you have anything you want me to cover on my opinion then ask :) 

Where the Jif is my??

So, I am prime for losing things.

Earrings

Wallets

Money

Cards

Driving stuff

Student Cards

Books

Homework

Bags

Scarves

Gloves

Hats

Coats

Phones

Makeup

Hairbrushes

Pictures

Headphones

Ipod

Perfume

If you can think of anything chances are I've probably lost it...my dignity being the biggest.

But what I'm getting at for this post is losing something in you. That maybe yo'll be able to get back and maybe not. I know im forever writing depressing tweets or posts. Just something negative because at the moment im such a misery guts, a part of me wants people to call me misery guts, but ill probably get all emotional (yes im also in this phase ATM Dear god!!) and cry? For someone that doesn't like crying, I've been doing an awful lot of it.

Then I start to do things, that I'll know ill regret in the morning or if someone sees but right then it seems right and like the only thing. Some things I do people will never see...for example you'll never find my private blog, or my private twitter, you'll never get my other email address.

You'll never in a way fully connect. There is a 99% chance you (being anyone I know reading this) have been written about, its a place for me to completely vent, swear, not worry about offending people and literally knowing, nobody reading this blog knows its me. I mean you may even read the blog, but you don't know its mine.

My other twitter, I've never posted at it followed it, made it follow my main one, re-tweeted it or Favorited at it, you wouldn't have a clue. It's on locked settings and I have 400 followers and follow 76.

Heck im ranting now. Boring

All of this, just at the end to say, guess who lost there purse again.

I am playing me.

My head has so many emotions, I never know whether im coming or going. I feel like a clown, one minute im laughing and having an amazing time, then one thing boom straight down into a miserable wretch. If anyone knows me well enough they know I literally live my life by my horoscope "What are you an idiot, they are fake." I am a Leo a charismatic, outgoing, confident, stubborn, sign. Yet I do not really fit to this"list" of traits. I follow every account I can for Leo tweeting and retweet them, when i need to feel a bit better about myself, recently its been like "Leo - Loves being the center of attention at a party and they are, the own it.' Or Leo - Has everyone after them' 'Leo - Are such style icons everyone looks to them for inspiration.' 

If anyone knows me they know any of that is not true. 

The only people I seem to have after me are stalker weirdos that wont back off. 

This is what Im talking about my emotion at the moment is low, and a little selfish. Im just so low on confidence and self esteem, that I cannot take banter anymore.

I could have taken this two months ago, but now.

Any slight of banter that's gonna crush my ego hurts. 

Im not a good singer, people just make me out to be better than I am, stop over rating me. I do my YouTube video for people to give me feedback for me to improve. I don't put it on for me to go "look how GOOD I AM mwhhahaha" that's just not me. I'd much rather someone write a comment saying

Im just as good an actor than anyone else, Im not very strong at it.

My dance is not all too good, I know that, we all know that.

Im not the brightest match in box, Im quite dumb, on general knowledge, Im literally clueless.

Im not funny, just sarcastic.

Im not much of a looker, and I have a lot of leftover weight that isn't needed.

But all in all.

Im me, and you got to love what you've been given. 

Im just the average girl from Eastbourne, that's has college 5 days a week no job and lives with her family. Nothing special about it.

(My comment about if people could give me feedback of improvement, can you on this video, thank you.)

Thank you, you beautiful lot.

Tablet 1 Tablet 2 Tablet 3 4 more.

Over recently taking more and more tablets, its had my head in a trance.
Im in a kind of a blur, But the kind of one you cant rub your eyes to get rid of.

Im waking every day with a different dilemma, more bruises, more scratches.
Are you hiding something under that. No.
Sometimes some people are so busy with there lives they don't see the pain and suffering of others.
One brisk pat on the shoulder "you'll be alright" "come on now, pick  yourself up." How can I when I've got every gravitational pull, pushing me down.
I don't think you understand the pain and the torment of having........in your head.
Am I doing right am I doing wrong.
Do they know, will they know.
What if?
I mean..
Do they..
No ..
If them..
I would know..
Surely someone would..


Sometimes people don't share everything with everyone.
Im one of those people.

Right to bed. where I'll be popping more pills.

Decade.

So you little fuckers, as some of you may know, I take AS Drama and Theatre Studies a hard course involving lots of hard work.
We have our AS plays coming up which we have been casted in.
I am in Decade. A play about 9/11 I wont write to much about it, as you can either just find out if you come and watch it or research it and find out.
This is the play I wanted to be in and I got a part I so longed to be.
Im happy, over the moon some might say.
So I think when it comes to performing these you should like come and watch :)
Cherrsums Possums. ;)

I will be thin.

EarlyWake-LateNight

4hourssleep. ZING ZING ZING ZING ZING
6am wake up. Wipe the sleep out of my eyes drag my self from my heaven bed, sit on it for about ten minutes. Stretch whilst making the stretch noise (you know the one) yawn then let out a sigh. Check my phone for recent texts any Facebook notifications, and any tweets. Get in the shower, turn the cold handle to the left, watch as the water runs over your body, free your mind of any worries. Close your eyes and just, forget. Comb your hair through. Turn the warm handle to the right, step out, pat your wet skin. Get dressed into some comfortable easy clothes. Dry your hair, with a hot force of wind. Take some hot irons and frizzle the shit out of it. Sort out your essentials, other clothes, what you might need. Zip up the bag. Spray yourself with a delicious fragrance. Tuck into egg on white bread slightly crusted and covered in butter topped with salt and pepper. Clean your teeth and gums, make them pearly whites shine.Then patiently wait about 10 minutes for your cue for you to leave. Put your cold shoes on. Grab your stuff, take a stroll down to the lay by where you get picked up.

9am watch college go by. Laughing faces. Sad emotions. Stressed teachers, annoyed students. Awkward staff, confused teens. Talking of utter shit, make tiny chit-chat. Think about tonight, worry then worry a little more.
12:30pm laugh until you cry. Go out, buy food eat it. Have fake arguments to catch the eye of any onlookers. Talk of those who create an annoyance for you both.
2:30pm hold your tongue. Go up so the block no longer is there. Go over each of them. worry more and more. Let out a cheer as you remember everything.
Greek call. Luck.Luck.Luck.Luck.Luck.Luck.Luck.

One fly's by, few laughs. Massive cheer.
Second. Massive laughs!! Crying, Shaking, Red Faces, Snorting. BANG. Blood, Cut, Worries, Water, Cracks, Bones. Carry on. Round of applause. Laughs. Crying. Shaking. Red Faces. Snorting. Bows, Standing ovation.

One drink, some food.
A+E.

The next four hours were spent, sat in A+E. Laura and Alex however were sat in there for 5 hours, if not more!!
The BANG in a few sentences ago shall be explained now. During our Greek performance of Lysistrata. Alex T and Alex R bring on a piece of staging (I wasn't gonna put the name for it, but I simply do not know how to spell it aha) and Trussell slipped and sliced his chin open on the staging. Leaving everyone in anticipation on whether the show will go on. He got up and stood tall carried on the performance. As soon as the play finished, he rushed to A+E.

I went an hour later with Beth, he looked so tired!! All in all because we were there so long we became friends with some people at the A+E...Then.

A mad man turned up, the following may shock some readers if you think it may be offensive in anyway stop reading. aha :)

1. He just laughed at random moment when it was silent
2. He asked us all for a cigarette (not crazy) he also started it with Oi then asking it four times to the same people (is)
3. Called some security guard a Fat C**t with which mean and Laura were like woh woh woh enough of that language. Then the security guard came and said something.
4. Some more security guards came over and told him either he has to be quiet or they ring the police he got a little argumentative.
5. Started laughing at a man that had a bandage round his head, me and Laura then said we couldn't understand what was so funny, the man the confronted him (lol)
6. He then said he killed someone once, I just replied Really?? Really?? Realllly? now. he replied yes i pushed him in to the water and he drowned I then replied again really aha...
7. He disappeared for about 30 mins then cam back with a cigarette and asked for a lighter.
8. When we left Alex and Sam (who joined us in the last 40mins) went one way and me and Laura went another way as we were walking off the crazy man was like Oi excuse me girls, and started following us, i told Laura and we ran off he then stopped.

A+E was funny but also a bit scary and everyone was just kind of frowning and laughing at this man because he was sooo weird.

Greeeeeeek

The clock hit 7. I was up, roaming about my bedroom, sorting out all my clothes for tonight. The Greek shows, I'm scared like any other would be, It could all go horribly wrong, yet it could go amazing. I've never been this nervous for a show, ever. 4/5/6 months preparation and I'm still sat here thinking shit, what if i don't do anything and go blank. (like i did in the dress rehearsal.) Bags packed, broom on the ready and a cartoon of juices in my hand ready to take on the day.

Hello Greek Shows.

Dumb Idiot.

When I was young I went to a private school, where they mostly concentrated on the girls they knew were coming back next year, rather than just everyone, leaving me to slip well below average.

I got tested for dyslexia and had number of tutors for different aspects of school. Going from special needs in learning to one of the top in my class. Due to this stopped tutoring leaving me to slip and be just the average. 

Until i got to college. I've recently been writing an essay for part of coursework and it's not until my teacher pointed out little things that made me feel dumb, her turning to me and asking whether I've been dyslexia tested. I have that's the thing, im just a general idiot. She then proceeds to say well you could either get it again as there lots of levels but then if our not you have to live with the fact that, well...Im a general idiot.

This isn't much of a deal for someone. Me it is. People have just been like just get the dyslexia test so what if you're not. Well if im not it just means im a fucking moron. People don't seem to understand, If you have difficulty doing certain things and you have dyslexia you get extra time on examines and they help you. Me that's not so, im just branded as an idiot with no help.

There is no such thing as a small part just a small actor,

I cant remember when I first heard that, but its a phrase, quote that will forever be planted in my head. Its the truth, if you were any good you would of good an amazing part, but then don't doubt yourself, if  you weren't any good at all you wouldn't of been asked to do this.

I know college is not really the same, but It is too. So my casting for my Performing Arts isn't too bad I'm happy with them, I like to play comedy characters and feel I do an okay job on them. 

My musical theatre casting upset me a tad, to the extent where I've been talking about it with my parents for a while. So we did Blonde the Cabaret and I got the part of wait for it....Pilar? I would often get asked by people "Who's that?" My reply never differed from "Exactly" but I enjoyed the role and was in the whole show and all in all got a really good grade from it!! 

I was told from day 1 of second year MT that if I get a small part in blonde then Millie I wont, which made me happy that maybe people wont ask the same question again. I would also be able to do a lot more. We did our auditions...few days went by the casting list went up.

Teachers had told me I've got a good role :)

They said it was based on auditions then one let it slip that the casting list didn't change from before the auditions so why they put the stress on us I'll never know but anyhow. (im in no way slagging off the teachers or the department, im just having a bit of a nag.) 

I got....

Ethel

Who

Exactly.

The first conversation I had when someone asked me who i was, my first actually conversation about who I was, was...

You got Ethel

Who :/.... she's not even on the cast list? Have they made my character up

No shes third on the list she sings the main song and the teachers says its a really good part.

What my role does. 

Sings some solo lines in a group song.

Dance in the middle or front.

Have 10 lines in our script.

10/15 Pages in I die.

ahaha.

The bothered me far to much than it should of, I was really unhappy and thought I might as well just be in the chorus. But, a role is better than no role. Okay I don't do much, I don't understand how I am going to fulfill my grade requirements but I cant do anything for them to change it, plus I am a better person saying yeah I played to small roles in my final projects for college but i smashed it and came out with good grades. Life is unfair, deal with it. Also, if this was in the job world and I got cast that, I'd be over the moon as I would be earning money, sometimes you have to realize that maybe you are just not as good as sometimes you think you are (not that im arrogant, but i just started to think yeah maybe I am okay at singing, I can kind of remember dance moves and my acting isn't too shabby then the phrase comes into my head and turns everything around. I then realize yeah Im at college, im no good at this aha)

But, saying all of this, Im hoping on doing a lot more outside college this year, to fulfill some ambitions myself, and I've been accepted in to doing some of these fields. So by the end of the year, I will be grade 6  on both my singing and my drama and hopefully a grade 1 or 2 on Piano. I will be placed in the festivals and have a few other little surprises up my sleeve :) 

Too late to apolgize?

Hey guys I am really sorry for not doing a post sooner, I've been really...well not me recently depressed anxious...etc So i am holding off writing a post till I feel better in myself and can finally stop writing depressing post, my tweets count has gone down, and im hardly on fb yet all i do is spend time on my computer scrolling from each to each. I spend all day in bed, feeling sorry for myself and hoping that someone will speak to me. Finding ways to occupy myself without having to get out of bed(Ipod) Eating as little amounts as I can, taking to many antibiotics for my body to cope, speaking in a soft voice and not taking my hat off or wearing my hair down. Is safe to say this past few weeks have been tough.

So I don't know how long it will be till I post again either another apology or a depressed one or a happy one, just keep posted.

Love you all.

Crack.

Knuckles

Wrists

Thumbs

Arms

Shoulders

Necks

Nose

Back

Chest

Hip

Knees

Feet

Toes.

Depression.

The worst of all emotions because no one can help you but yourself. If its a few days or a few months. We just have to do it yourself, and be happy. I want to no longer have this emotion. I also no longer want to be hurting...oh hello pills (feel like a crazy person.) 

Sorry, is this it.

Were at that age, and in our era at the moment its seen as a bit more okay. Is sex all young people seem to be able to talk about, is there no such conversation that isn't about sex. At least I hear that word or something relating to that word 10 times a day (no exaggeration) is that all youth has become nowadays. Sexual hungry predators. 

I refuse to let this be a perception that others see, just because I am 17 years of age and over the legal age so I am able to have sex. But surely there is something we can talk about that isn't going to lead in sound like monkeys as you try to reenact the sounds you made last week? Or tell us your favorite film to fuck too. Sure i add some humorous little tales i Know about people. but for that to be the conversation for a whole hour and a half maybe two hours, is simply mind boggling. 

Im not saying don't have sex, why not go for it, live a little have fun!! but find something more interesting to talk about, I don't want to know how many times you've been (whats the saying) Jack hammered? I don't even know what that MEANS!! call me naive call me stupid call me what you like, I just don't see how sex is now the stimulus for our era.

Politics, Science, Religion, Nature, Beliefs, Music, Drama (seeing as most of my friends are P.A students) and there just ones of the top of my head...Fashion, makeup, relationships (not sex related) Alcohol/Drugs (but too much of this leaves me feeling numb and very...VERY bored!!)

Leave your bedroom secrets, in the bedroom. Thank you.

Wait, it's your birthday.

This is to one of my readers.

She is a regular reader, that I know.

Today, happens to be her 18th Birthday.

"  She is really funny

      Just like bugs bunny

           But without the teeth. "

I would like to wish my gorgeous Rachel O'Reilly a Happy 18th Birthday.

Have an amazing!! night Friday!!

Love you. 

<3

Oh hai there.

Im an over-thinker. I could spend ridiculous amounts of money on Itunes. I find my attraction to people changing. I am a Besbian for life. Today it was one of my bestest friend's 18th Birthday ( Happy Birthday my Ravishing Beauty Rakel!!Rachel*)  Another one of my best friends did an amazing performance tonight and another does one tomorrow. I am currently addicted to my playlist (Women) consisting of Laura Marling, Jessie J, Emiliana Torrini, Adele, Emeli Sande and Birdy. Under pressure, I either crack to a new extreme of psycho or am as cool as ice cream in the winter. I get really funny about how smooth my legs are, to a complete extreme!! I have put on weight since after the Christmas period (still lapping up the crmbo food) Im a chubby chubbers. When poked in the ribs I make  a stupid laugh, that people seem to love to record or carry on doing, not cool. I am currently crushing big time on my supply drama teacher aha. cringe. I have to learn my whole Greek scripts by Friday. I want to lose weight. I am really insecure. I feel like crying most times of the day unless im with a lot of my friends, acting.

Hearing different things.

You Say :

You look so different. You look really nice. Wow I love your hair. You look pretty today. Have you got makeup on. New top, New trousers. New Shoessss. You've had your hair done haven't you. Your complexion is amazing today.

I Hear :

You've actually made an effort! You look...nice? today. Your hair has actually been done today! Normally you look like shit but today you look okay. Normal you look like death but today you cant tell as much... definitively makeup! Normally you wear the same shit all the time, but I've not seen that top/trousers/shoes before. You haven't got split ends anymore. You are missing some spots?

Everyone has there own self esteem issues. 

interpretation is a number is a role in so many parts of life. How fat someone is, How pretty someone is, Who we find attractive, Music, Drama, Dance...Life choices...Characteristics...Sexuality.

Some people flaunt and some people hide what we think they haven't or have got. 

Hair. Eyes. Ears. Nose. Lips. Teeth.

 Jaws. Necks. Collar Bones. Shoulders. 

Arms. Boobs. Hands. Stomachs. Hip Bones.

 Thighs. Vagina. Penis. 

Feet. Toes. 

Everyone has a different choice they make due to interpreting something different of what someone else may of said. 

Interpretation on sexuality, is it wrong is it right. it's neither. 

Contract of...

I give my life in your hands. Don't play around, or shake me about. I just put my trust in you, the last thing I need, is some whirlwind ride. My head is fucked don't need no more stress. Days seem distant and nights seems forever existent. Tell me no lies just full truth. Hugs and kisses or slaps and bitching. Im dependent on you to not to let me fall, drag me up with you. Little bursts of laughter. Little bursts of cry's. You have one chance to prove you. I don't want presents I don't want money. I just desire love like you do money. Laying side by side all clammy and shy, made me wonder if I would dare. Getting closer and closer to this edge, you'll fall and I'll stand strong. Don't mind fuck with me honey. Shouting the words I love you. not knowing what it means. down to interpretation is what I believe. Belief is a substance of opinion, that neither you or I can say is wrong. Wrong being right in all many ways. Down to parenting and the way you lived. That wonderful wall that I once spoke of before, Is growing again. concrete not needed, bricks not needed, tools not needed, workmen not needed. This is a wall built, by pity, self-esteem and issues. That one got pulled down by lust and confusion, goes back up with disease and fusion.