First draft - Poor Girl

I used to use your name as a way to curse, 

so i could ease the pain so it wouldn't hurt

I never realised what you meant to me

until I did silly things, and we let it be

Talking out my problems to everyone with ears

wiping off my makeup with instant regret and beers

knocking back vodka tequila and rum

until i couldn't see and my body was all numb

Wake up and fix me please,
pull this poor girl up off her knees
wake up and fix me please,
for i dont know where my home is

I'd get weak one day and text you on your phone

hoping you'd feel the same and that i was not alone.

it was selfish and i should not of done it

i wanted to hear i miss you even just a little bit

Talking out my problems to everyone with ears

wiping off my makeup with instant regret and beers

knocking back vodka tequila and rum

until i couldn't see and my body was all numb

Wake up and fix me please,
pull this poor girl up off her knees
wake up and fix me please,
for i dont know where my home is

You were the lyrics to my favourite song

the melody I'd hum to all night long

from morning thorough to night

when the rhythm was far from sight 

I'd look up to the sky

and wonder why

Talking out my problems to everyone with ears

wiping all my makeup with instant regret and beers

knocking back vodka tequila and rum

until i couldn't see and my body was all numb

Wake up and fix me please,
pull this poor girl up off her knees
wake up and fix me please,
for i dont know where my home is

6 capo
F
C
G
Am

What is, the best for you and me?
Will it end now or will we live happily
Choices we find ourselves making
Life going in different directions, which roads are we takiny
I found it hard to say goodbye tonight. My phone died which I hated but probably for the best.
When you have someone consistently in your life most days for the last three years. How do you tell yourself to not immediately want to text them, ask them how they are or even to say hey. Just to speak to her that day!
I guess we will know one day in the future wether this is the right choice. Right now feels right.

However I did think tonight, what if? What if you’re the one that gets away, what if i never find someone who I love as much I do you. Will I constantly try and fill a void or will I just learn early on just to avoid. You don’t need someone to be happy, but I’ve always had the dream of one day settling down, with a wife.
Will I bump into 20 years from now, hand in hand with your wife, will it still sort of break my heart that, that could of been me. How do I tell my 23 year old self now that I can deal with that. Will in time I just get used to it.

Will this change things between us forever, will we ever cross paths again apart from a big parties or meetings. If we stay in different circles it all changes. Will in 2/3 years time we both arriving at the same party with somebody new, will I look at her like i look at you. Will her smile and laugh cause my belly to erupt.

I don’t want to move on, I’m ready for me. But how ready can one be, when she moves on from me. I’m scared to watch her smile and laugh causes by someone who loves her like I do.
It’s weird I sort of feel numb, we’ve not argued and there were jokes thrown, she’s the one I love that will never be forgotten.

There for me will always be a spark, I’ll be sat at her wedding, either waiting for her to arrive at the end of the aisle or sat down watching. Either way the moment she says I do, I’ll think I love you.

Someone will come along and sweep her off her feet, treat her like the true beauty she is. Make her laugh and speak to her intellucatly. Make her feel safe and accept her. If I had my chance again, I wouldn’t sit back, I’d take it with both hands and pull her to me. Give her space and listen, waylay does she want and what does she need, not her slave but her wife to be, not under her thumb, but together with love.

Not right now is the right time and place, we need this to find ourselves. Who am I and who are you? Who am I when I’m not with you.

I love you x

Where are you going?

I never sit and look back at the choices I've made and reflect.
This year I'm trying to do that, trying to figure what it is in my head I want. Quite frankly I don't know what it is that I want, everyone has mixed feelings about what I should do.
It is anyones choice but mine, I cant let myself be swayed by what people think and say.
Go with your head and your heart combined.

This year is already bring enough crazy and many turns and twists.
The end of the day you have to be an adult about your life choices and stick with what you're doing.
Except I don't know what I'm doing, I feel like I'm just aimlessly walking through life, not really choosing a path, just letting my feet guide me.

I could never estimate or predict that this is where I would be this time last year.
It's crazy someone asked me the question just a few days ago about where I want to be in 3/4 years, and I mentioned that I want to be with the one.

I don't want anymore crazy flings or quick hookups, I want to care for someone. For them to be my all within love. However I don't feel like I would be like this if I didn't have so many around me who are settling down, enjoying the quiet moments with someone they cherish.

I say I want to be with the one, but I don't know who that is. I have my thoughts about who I want to be, I could see myself building a life with her, having take out food, watching TV on a Sunday.
My heart is sort of weirdly happily aching at the moment.

I feel like I'm in a great place, I'm happy, content with life. I've started working a lot, I have plans most of days for the next two/three weeks. I actually have started using my diary for meeting friends, and dinner/drinks with people I adore.

Where on earth am I going, aimlessly walking, but please let it be in the right direction. 

Loved me.

The first time you told me you loved me you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted. 

The second time you told me you loved me you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted.

The third, the fourth, and hundreds more. 

All the same. 

you had a smile,

each corner of your mouth lifted,

ear to ear with a cheesy grin.

It felt right, a perfect match of the darkness inside mixed with the outside light. 

But I didn't feel it inside my body, I thought that was just me.

Making problems out of situations that no one else can see.

"Tell me how much I mean to you" 

"How do I make you happy" 

Fishing for compliments, treating you like you were a living document of my accomplishments.

Put you on a pedestal, like you weren't accessible, respectable or even homosexual. 

You used to say, stop asking.

let me just say when I want.

When all I ever wanted was to be needed, like I succeed, in making someone dependable. 

On me. 

The last time you told me you loved me.

you had a smile. 

a slight smirk, as we both felt that hurt. 

of tears running down our face and the tightening of our throats. 

I know it was hard and I didn't get it at first. 

I had outbursts using your name as a way to curse.

but by the way,

I get it now. 

Paradise.

I haven't really stayed up to date with my blog whilst on the ship so instead I have a video.
I left over a month ago, but here finally is the video.

PARADISE <3

Scary Cruise Antics.

Im on a cruise at halloween!
What the heck is my life!!

It is crazy busy on here, but my oh my do I love it!
Judged a costume party and then us crew had a huge party where I got far too intoxicated!
I loved every single bloody moment of it.
I just wish she was here with me, partying the night away, and the cuddling with me in bed afterwards.

Aleida and I. 

Jimmy and I.

Just, breathe.

Just, breathe. *sound of breath in and out*
Just, breathe. *sound of breath in and out*
Fresh air, the chemical that fills our lungs and makes us alive.
Our first breath.
Our final gasp.
The passing of muttering between two people all from the air we breathe.

Sometimes it can feel like your suffocating in the air that pollutes our lungs.
From smoking or even the fumes from passing cars as we lay our heads each night.

We breathe the same air and live completely different lives,
you look at us and just pass by.

Yet I deserve no less air than you, my lungs aren't as healthy, my life not as great.
I am happy, you think you see sadness in my eyes, but I see nothing but joy in my life.

He shows me love, and how beautiful the word is, he tells me to breath and really enjoy the smell of the world.

Show me you're alive when your chest rises up and down and up and down, so cold that I see every exhale of air.

In through the nose and out through the mouth,
*sound of breath in and out*

The sweet smell of the air by a river or the sea, the slight saltiness on your lips, as you intake the cold sharp breath.

Make every breath calm, close your eyes and imagine the world a simple place where everything goes back to when you were a baby again.

The stale short breathes, increase the heart rate, it makes you see rage. The passion in someones eyes when they speak and gasp for air to complete there next sentence.

Just take time with each every sip of air you get.

Just, breathe *sound of breath in and out*